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My Wednesday

I'm choosing to write about yesterday's events because there's a lot of stuff.
Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Sometimes I question whether I really belong anywhere's. I hate it that everyday I have to get up and keep on going but it's all that I can do and it would be a disgrace to NOT live. I have to go back to being the strong one who takes on things that must be done that others aren't doing themselves.
On one spectrum,with people, I'm mature, selfless, and responsible and then on the other I'm immature, selfish and irresponsible. It's like I can't win even with those that say they love me and want what's best for me. What's best for me is to let me be my own person, let me figure things out on my own, trust my judgment and be there without sayin 'I told ya so' when things don't work out.
Jan's being a brat as usual and driving me up the wall, so I've come to sit outside to think and try to find some peace, but now the hounds are being annoying.
Decided to come back inside, watching country music videos. The one that brought me in was Sarah Beth by Rascal Flatts, what a touching story and it was so sweet of the boy to shave his head bald for the prom, shortly after Sarah lost her hair.
I'm trying not to cry since crying doesn't really solve anything. I'm just so frustrated with everything. My work(i.e. Jan), losing Tiffy, my rocky friendship with Guy, my dad, living arrangements, my car, money issues...the list keeps on adding.
This gal really pissed me off but she's also right in a lot of ways and having another person confirm it without knowing what was said doesn't help much either.
Boy have I been ranting a lot lately on my blogs, online journals and on paper but I suppose it's better than to direct it at some poor unsuspecting person who just doesn't know what to do with me. But really, I don't want them to DO anything...i want them to hear me out and not judge me just because i may get a bit too dramatic or some such thing.
I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, then I heard Nickel Creek's- When You Come Back Down, Jan started acting up, Tiff came into my mind, which got me thinking how much I miss her and miss her hugs. I know it's not healthy for a person to be like this..but it's not like i let it rule my whole life, for if I did, I'd never leave the house or talk to anyone.
I think the reason why I'm so up and easily brought down is because I'm depressed. My current situation wasn't helping me before all this happened and now it's even worse. I still want to continue on with my plans though I won't be able to do that until April and I gotta stop worrying what Dad will say and whether I'll disappoint him again. I still remember to this day, when he told me a couple of years ago how disappointed he was in me and it was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. It haunts me to this day though very few know.
I have to keep myself from spiraling deeper into depression just because someone upset me with their words. For if I allow that, there will always be someone who will see that weakness and try to bring me down further.
Jan was a pain in the butt all day long and fought me like a cat that had been dropped in water, when I tried to get her ready for bed. Once she realized that I wasn't gonna let her get away with it, she mellowed out a bit. Then when I got her into the bed, she tried to kick and scratch me but I managed to move fast enough that she couldn't do anything. When I closed her door, she screamed, pounded on her door and wall until she fell asleep.
I've had just about had enough of all of this. Getting tired of being called in to work when no one else will, tired of gettin so pissed at Jan all the time and tired of having to struggle with my emotions.
I was doing some laundry and I came across a shirt that my sis and a friend had advised me to purchase sometime back. Well the friend is gone now and I started crying, holdin that shirt for I was thinkin about the friend and the fun times we'd had when i wore that shirt. I half hoped that someone would come in at that moment so I could hug someone and maybe feel better or atleast let me cry on their shoulder cuz i was just so tired of being alone.
Well something that got my attention and caused me to stop thinking such dark thoughts temporarily was a show on TLC called 'The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off'. It's about a 36 yr old guy named Jonny Kennedy who lived in England and had suffered from dystrophic epidermolysis bullosa since birth which is a VERY painful condition. Basically it means that skin falls off at the least little bump and that on September 11,2002 he was told he had terminal skin cancer due to the stretching of the skin and had about a year to live. Makes ya realize how lucky a person is to not be born with DEB. 75% of his body was covered in sores and wrapped in bandages. Due to constant scarring, the skin had closed up over his arms and feet, making them useless and having to use a motorized wheelchair in order to get around. He never went thorough puberty, resulting in having a high voice and being a man stuck in a child's body, never married, and refused to carry on his line for if his mate would have been with child and the child had the same disease, he would have had the baby aborted. His mum said that if abortion would have been available when she was pregnant with him and knew he had the disease, she would have aborted him to save him from all of the pain and suffering. To help get the pain off his mind, he would often go to a peaceful place in his head to keep him from going mad.He was so full of life, joking, and didn't let his condition stop him from getting his own place. He went skydiving, rode jets and done many things, such as starting a fund called DEBRA.-www.debra.org. It's an organization that helps those with the same condition and helps raise money to help loved ones to take care of the people. They called themselves the butterfly people because their skin's as delicate as butterfly wings.
His last wishes were to host a housewarming party, greet the prime minister for his charity to raise money. He wasn't angry about dying, he accepted it thought of it as a freedom and escape from all of the pain he'd endured his entire life.
'There's got to be more to this than life and death, we're here to learn, our bodies are just a shell, it doesn't define who we are and when we're done learning and serving our purpose, we move on' was a quote from him.
He died about a year after he had been diagnosed and even when he was in his casket..he found a way to make his loved ones smile.
I was proud of myself though when I went to bed because I didn't cry for once, I didn't even feel like crying. So with time, i'll slowly be able to work up to where I won't be getting so sensitive all the time.
I apologize to those of you that i've upset with my behavior. I'm sorry that I'm not coping with things as well as I should be. I miss a couple of people very much and i just want to be near them.. i hurt so very much and i just feel so very alone at times. I'm so tired from being told that i'm being too dramatic. I've just felt so...listless lately and more things have been happenin that have been out of my control and i've been offendin people that i never meant to offend. I know they are only tryin to help...but i'm in so much pain right now and yet numb at the same time. It's like i'm on the outside looking in lately. sometimes I feel as though I'm close to the breakin point...that if one more thing happens....i'll be pushed over the edge..but for some reason, things have been happening and i haven't been pushed over the edge. People don't like the fact that i tend to close myself off so much..but when i've tried to open up...it's like they don't want to see that side of me and it hurts with the thought that myself isn't good enough. who does a person turn to when they feel that if they truly do open themselves up..they'll fall apart and no one will be around to help piece those pieces back together. I can't always explain myself..sometimes a person needs to just take a step back and watch me..listen to what i have to say and take a second look before deciding to say something about me. I run deeper than i appear. there are things in my past that have not come to light simply because bringing them up will not do any good. There are secrets that only one person knows whose taken those secrets to her grave. Now that she's gone...i don't know how I can learn to trust someone else... i have had people betray me many times in the past, those that i thought i could trust...they used the info i told them, against me which has caused me not to trust people because it left me vulnerable. yes I can rant and rave and whatnot but to truly tell someone how i feel is a rare thing indeed. when I let a person into my circle of trust...it means that you've come farther than most people. Don't force me to trust you...earn my trust and try to be patient for it will not be an easy feat. Yes I have an amazing amount of compassion for people and animals though lately i seem to like animals more than people, i will do all i can to help others, i know what it's like to be repeatedly knocked down (physically and emotionally), i know what it's like to wonder if you'll live to see the next day because ur so worried someone will harm you in ur sleep, i know what it's like to lose someone, i know what it's like to have hardship but i also know what it's like to have good times as well. I am more complex that people think. Yes there are times that i overreact and act a bit childish but it doesn't outweigh the fact that i know how to be an adult. No, I'm not as streetsmart as most of my friends, not even close...but it doesn't mean that I'm not learning how to be street smart.
Well this is what i have to say for now.





What's up

Hey, just me, Matt. Yeah, we haven't talked for a while. I've been really busy with work and I'm so tired when I get home that I rarely get online. Hope things are going better for you.