Irish Lass's Ramblings

location: Wisconsin

mood: exhausted

music: Evanescence - Lithium

 I have been up since a little after 7 am and my brain refuses to shut off. I would like to go back to bed but it's really pointless because i'll probably have more dreams that will make my brain want to work even faster. It's been about 3 months since i broke it off with C and it's  been about a month since i realized that D didnt really want me anymore. No matter how hard i try, i cant seem to think of them as just friends. I spend half my day being down on myself because of all the memories and regrets that run through my head. They just wont lay at peace. I've been keeping so much inside of me because i'm so afraid of what people will think when they read this. That's part of my problem.. i hold things in too much and i end up hurting not only myself but others.  I dont know what to do... or how to think or how to even feel. Just when i think i am one step forward, something comes along to knock me two steps back. I seem to beat myself up daily for that which i cannot change and it frustrates the hell out of me. C is tryin to be understanding and i appreciate that but it hurts so much to see him with someone else >>_<< . I feel like such a hypocrite because when i was with someone else, i'm sure it hurt him. I was so busy assuring myself that i was on the right path being with D that i forgot to get my head out of my ass and tell C that i was sorry. I was so cocky, so sure that i was doing what was best when i wasnt. I was setting myself up to get my ass kicked by my own foolishness and allowing myself to be led along like an obediant pup. I love them both very much and it hurts that i'm not wanted by either in that way. Well for C, i can pretty much understand why after what i put him through.. but D... i dont have a fskin clue where the hell i went so wrong. Was I not supportive enough, sweet enough, funny enough, tempting enough? Was i so bad that he had to move in with an old flame just so he could shake me off and leave me wonderin what the hell was going on? He said he loved me... he promised me that he would not hurt me so deeply again. He promised me so much and I belived it all because i believed he deserved a second chance. I have wanted to be with him almost from the moment i first knew him and i thought that finally i was gettin a shot at it. I should have known something was up when he didnt talk to me for almost a week in early January. I think deep down i did but i didnt want to believe it. Part of me still doesnt want to believe it. There is so much left unsaid between us. I gave him so much of myself and i thought that he was starting to give himself to me. So many unanswered questions, so much pain, bitterness, regret is in me. I'm so tired from all of this and i am fighting like hell not to give into total despair. I have wonderful people around me. People who love me and want to see me do well. I have guys that want to get to know me better and they are great guys. I should be givin them a chance, i should be lettin go of the past but something keeps me from moving forward. Something inside of me that i cannot reach in to yank out. It's not a simple matter of feeling sorry for myself. Yes i KNOW that things could be worse but it doesnt make things any easier. 
Yesterday C accidently hit the call button when not meaning to. When i asked him if he wanted to talk, he said that he was in a call with someone else. I was guessin that that someone else was his girlfriend though i did not ask. For some reason, just him saying those few words really bothered me. He used to want to talk to me on voice everyday lmao. I would smile when he would be calling me because i enjoyed hearin his voice so much. I dont mean the same to him anymore and it hurts... it hurts a lot. And it's my own fault. I caused the rift between us because i thought that i was meant to be with D and did not think it fair to string C along. I didnt follow my gut... i jumped into something head first without taking a step back to really think things through. When i said he's my rock, i meant it and now that i dont have that rock... i'm on very shaky ground. No i'm not thinkin about suicide to those of u who jumped to that thought. There are days i can talk to C just fine and there are other days that he says things and they get to me. He does not mean to hurt me and i try to keep that in mind. I realize now that he wouldnt have left me or atleast not in the same what that D would have. He would have sat me down to actually talk things out and not leaving loose ends. C was sure he wanted me... i was just too insecure to actually see it and to talk to C when my insecurities would get the best of me. I thought his being distant was a sign because i attributed it to the other guys who became distant before they decided they really didnt want a relationship with me, some of them not even friendship. He is like no other and yet i compared him to those that arent even worth comparing and it was my downfall. I'm so sorry C, i dont mean to hurt u. I am just in a lot of pain right now and i am not sure where to direct it.

D has left me a very confused and hurt woman. I finally got up the courage one day to ask him point blank if he wanted me and if he still wanted to be with me. He took a long time to answer and then he said he didnt know, that part of him wanted to push me away . I wanted him to elaborate but he didnt. Instead he left things like that, told me to take care and said he had to get going. He went from being dead sure that he wanted to be with me and reduced our relationship to...that. I dont understand what changed his mind so suddenly and i cannot even ask him because he is not around to ask. He promised me that this would be our year, that i would have that christmas i've been wanting for almost 4 years and that he wouldnt settle for any less. He wanted me to be his wife and the mother of his kids. He wanted to see the world with me. He said he wanted to be the person that i could trust and that he would never try to hurt me. And he broke his promises. He discarded everything so carelessly all because of.. i really dont know what. So it was hard for him, well IT'S NOT EASY FOR ME EITHER. Spending every night in my bed alone, wakin up alone, dealin with daily drama alone. My life is not any easier than his and in many ways, i am in a more difficult situation than him. Did he think that i would not try to support him, that i would not judge him, that i would not love him enough? Well if he thought that then he was DEAD wrong.I need him to come back and for us to atleast try and figure this stuff out. but there is no indication that he may ever come back. I'm the gurl that is all the way over in the states with no way to get to where he is and no way to talk to him. I guess he figures that i'll survive somehow like i always have and that i dunno what.. I just dont know what he is thinkin or feeling. I dont have a clue and i may never have a clue. I did not realize that i meant so little to him... and that i am so easily discarded...
Someday it will not hurt to see my friends finding that special someone. Someday it wont hurt to be invited to weddings. Someday many things will happen to help me feel better. but right now, i'm not finding very many things.
I am starting to dread the weekends. It's when my mom and stepdad fight. It usually results in my mom leaving for the night and my stepdad pouting like a little kid who had his favorite toy taken from him. No matter how much i try to interfere, nothing works. The next day, my mom will sit there and complain to me about the whole thing and when i try to give her advice, she says i dont understand. Of course i understand, i've been dealin with this bullshit since i was a kid. I KNOW how things are. I see BOTH sides and those two are so freakin stubborn it's ridiculous. He says all sorts of mean things to her and sometimes she will retaliate but mostly she just sits there. She doesnt go out and try to look for a better life for herself. When i had my apartment, there was ample opportunity for her to take the kids and LEAVE. but she didnt. instead she would come hide at my place for the night and then go back the next day. She made me feel guilty for givin up the place because she said she wouldnt have a place to go when my stepdad became too much. Well that apartment could have been her own someday but she did nothing about it. Someday i will be away from all of this but i do not know when. Someday i will not regret the weekends. 
I'm so very tired and so very sore. if i had sleeping pills i would take them in the hopes of sleeping a dreamless sleep. i do sleep but i tend to wake up sad from it because a lot of it stems around the thoughts that run through my head during the day.

I am grateful for the love and support of others even if i do not say it. I am grateful for C's support though it hurts to be near him. I am grateful for my other friends' support though i do not say it. someday i will express my gratitude but right now, i cannot even make myself happy. I am really at a loss of what to do about all of this and all i can do is endure. I pray for a relief soon.