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March 24th
Last night i had a bit of a reprieve from things. I was in rp with a friend and it was nice to remember what it was like to feel like that all the time. i wonder if i will have that again someday...
It has been another one of those rough days.
I woke up feelin sad from a dream that had to deal with rings and it had me thinking of C. I layed there for about 15 min before i could rouse myself to get out of bed. No matter what i do, the memories of what i had with C haunt me... i loved him so very much..more than i told him. The pictures, the things we said, his voice, the looks he would give me... they run through my brain and i cannot seem to get them to stop. i see parents on cartoons and i'm reminded of him. i see certain faces or certain places and i'm reminded of him and i. my mind and body are exhausted from the memories that refuse to go away.
I should have showered and changed my clothes and did those basic little things but these days, it is hard to even do that. I dont eat a lot because i tend to feel like i'm goin to throw up when i try to eat something. Sometimes i manage to keep the nausea at bay long enough to eat something. I have yet to get sick but i try to be careful not to get to the point where i end up gettin sick.
Amazing how when ur hurting inside, doing even the most basic things can be so hard because you just want all the pain to go away but it doesnt...it's there in almost every breath you take.
I am usually able to push the pain back to the point where i can be almost numb and that is a blessing. I even welcomed the pain that came from pulling my hair back a bit too tightly for it is hard to concentrate on anything else when you have a migraine roaring its ugly head.
I try to get myself to the point where i dont think that far ahead in the future. Because if i do think that far ahead, it will drive myself crazy with those thoughts. One does not know how truly lonely one can be until you are with someone and then something happens where you are not able to bei with that person. Those that havent experienced that are blessed in a sense of not knowing just how lonely it can be.
I had convinced myself that i had managed to push that pain back atleast for today. I was so confident that i would not have to deal with the pain until tomorrow. How very wrong i was. Today i was to go job hunting though i am not anxious to get a job. I hate having to start all over only this time, i am truly starting all over. I do not know where i am goin to live, what job i will get, when i will be happy again, when i can wake up and not be sad. I do not know any of these things. I try to be neither hopeful nor discouraging... i am just trying my best to exist right now.
I came back from Tomah, completely spent and exhausted. The migraine was ripping through me and i was exhausted from keepin the pain of it and other things at bay. i did not really want to sleep but my body had other plans. So i layed down and hope for a peaceful slumber. I do not know what i dreamed of but when i woke up, my chest and mind hurt even more than when i had woken up this morning. it quite literally stole my breath away and all i could do was lay there and hope for the strength to eventually pull myself out of bed. i think i layed there about an hr before i could muster the strength to get up.
I sat at the computer, and welcomed the headache that was consuming me. i decided to forgo goin on to second life atleast until i was able to push some of the pain in my heart at bay. i read some fanfictions for they usually bring me comfort and they did this time though at times, it is painful to read some of them..
i think that if i cried, it might relieve some of the pain but i cannot bring myself to cry for whatever reason. i have taken to scrubbing my face with my hands and just remembering to breathe. it is not the end of the world what i am goin through.. it is just more than my body and mind can fully deal with right now. i can still smile, nod and laugh but rarely do i actually feel the laughter.
I am not sure if i am aptly describing how i have been feeling but i think to atleast talk this much about it is a start in a direction. My mind, body and soul are tired, aching and wanting a rest that doesnt seem to want to come. i sleep a dreamless sleep either when i take somethin to get me to sleep or when i have been sleeping restlessly enough that my mind just shuts off and gives my body a chance to just relax. I do so miss those pleasant dreams i used to have and waking up happy, to know that my love is just a mouse click away and all i have to do is just log on and leave a sweet message and to receive a sweet message in return. that feeling of...belongin and knowin that though the rest of the world may go to hell, that i would have atleast one person to count on no matter what. to have the guy completely in love with me and for me to be into him just as much, seein only him as the rest of the world disappears. well i gave that up and i guess this is my due.
P00760:how are u ?2 day ?
Meg:
i'm ok, i woke up from a nap with my chest or rather my heart really hurtin me but now i seem to be back to bein blessedly numb lol
P00760:ohhhhh megy please u have 2 take care about ur helth
Meg:i know but it is hard when my heart hurts me so....
P00760:u have 2 take a big rest and sleep well ohhhh my cute girl how are u now ?
Meg:i do rest but i wake up sad
P00760:just take care beath well Hbebty
breath *
Meg:i am tryin to but it is hard... i am very..vulnerable when i first wake up
P00760:ohhh sweety
Meg:i'm so tired wakin up sad... but i cant seem to help it...
P00760:i really feel that i need 2 hug u wormly
what do u think why ur heart hurts u ?
Meg: because of my dreams... they remind me of the person i love... and what i once had with him and probably wont have again and it hurts to know that i cant go back and undo the mistakes i made with him
that my takin a chance with another guy... would leave me so alone and unsure of where to proceed next in my life
P00760:please my sweet baby
u have 2 stop this feeling
really u have 2 think about it seruosly
it was his mistake
not yours
u have 2 understand that
Meg: i know that.... i know that the guy leavin me was his mistake... and my friends believe he left me so fast because she slept with a woman and got her pregnant and it hurts to be...discarded so...easily and coldly
but the person i love didnt leave me.... i just got lost and i did not see the hand he was holdin
out to help find me... and when i did see it...it was too late
P00760: so ..... now ur sufring
and u don't know who u did that mistakes
with him
and evry thing
right
ok
now he's with another woman
ok
he's doing sex with her going out have fun evrything
and if he think about Megy
yes... he gets the life he always wanted and i am left in the dust...
wishin that i had never taken him over the man who truly had my best interests at heart
megy please
u did right thing with him before
and he did a big mistake with u
now ur feeling that u
made him 2 leve u
all that are ok
but
for when ?
when will you stop this
Meg:i dont know....
P00760:and leave the past
u have 2 know
Meg:when it doesnt hurt so much to wake up in the morning....
P00760:coz ur thinking with wrong way
if u think with right way
u will make ur self
understand
Meg:i cannot stop what i dream about lol
P00760:that ur in right side and u have 2 start now life
Meg:what i did, i thought was for the best, i realize that
it frustrates me though that the person i risked so much for gave me up so easily....
ok can u tell me what do u want 2 do for all of that ?
Meg:i dont know... i cant do anything... just wonder if he realizes just how much he hurt me and feels bad about it.. i wont ever know
i dont hate him
P00760:ok do u have his e-mail ?
?
Meg:no, i deleted him off my email
i only have his myspace
P00760:ok
send a message 4 him
not 2 ask him mersy
just tell him what u want 2 tell
any thing make u have good feel
Meg:i wont do any good lol
it* and besides, all he has to do is read my journals to know just the kind of shit i've been through
P00760:no tell him that he was in wrong side
and any thing
he knows he was wrong
tell him i still love u coz iam better than u
ok
we want 2 leave all that in past
right
he was wrong
he was not deserve ur love
u was in right side
he left u
so ...
Meg:i know...everything i felt was real.... and it's his loss, i know that
P00760:the God protect u from him 2 safe ur life
u have 2 be happy with that
u know him in his real face
emagen if he does not left u
and he still with u
some day u will do sex 2gether
may be he will tell u
i ll marry u and evrything
and have sex with u
just he's taking what he want
emagen sudenly
he will tell u ok megy i can't be with u any more
bye
emgen if that happend
what will u do ?
what will u feel
Meg:i dont know he told me that he couldnt be with me unless he won the lottery or died
P00760:the God protect u from him in perfect time
so
what's his name ?
???? u 4 got it ?
lol no hard to forget his name
lol
what's j=his name ?
D
so D bye ur from from my past
i have my new life
megy u have evrything that any girl wish 2 have
u will finde another love
trust me
Meg:i would not go back to him if he asked me to lol
P00760:lol
i know
but i want u 2 for got him and put him out of ur mind
think about Brad Bit, Tom Crous, shone conry think about them u will dream nice one
lol
Meg:lmao they are a bit..old for me
P00760:ok think about me u will got a ...................... dream
u ll be shake when u wake up
lol
i was in love megy
same ur love
she was in Iraq
and iam here in Qatar
i know her from the net
then mobile phone
for 3 years
we were in love
but at last
she got another one
it was really really hard
but now
iam asking the God 2 make she happy
what can we do
we cannot do much
and may be some time i ll find a girl who can save my love
Meg:just forgive those that have hurt us and believe that God has someone better for us out there..
P00760:yes
oh Megy it's hurt
right ?
Meg:yes it hurts a lot...
Perhaps i will continue this journal later or start a new one, i'm not sure right now. i just know i have run out of ways to describe how i'm feeling right now. i just hope this numbness lasts me quite a while.
lethargicIt has been another one of those rough days.
I woke up feelin sad from a dream that had to deal with rings and it had me thinking of C. I layed there for about 15 min before i could rouse myself to get out of bed. No matter what i do, the memories of what i had with C haunt me... i loved him so very much..more than i told him. The pictures, the things we said, his voice, the looks he would give me... they run through my brain and i cannot seem to get them to stop. i see parents on cartoons and i'm reminded of him. i see certain faces or certain places and i'm reminded of him and i. my mind and body are exhausted from the memories that refuse to go away.
I should have showered and changed my clothes and did those basic little things but these days, it is hard to even do that. I dont eat a lot because i tend to feel like i'm goin to throw up when i try to eat something. Sometimes i manage to keep the nausea at bay long enough to eat something. I have yet to get sick but i try to be careful not to get to the point where i end up gettin sick.
Amazing how when ur hurting inside, doing even the most basic things can be so hard because you just want all the pain to go away but it doesnt...it's there in almost every breath you take.
I am usually able to push the pain back to the point where i can be almost numb and that is a blessing. I even welcomed the pain that came from pulling my hair back a bit too tightly for it is hard to concentrate on anything else when you have a migraine roaring its ugly head.
I try to get myself to the point where i dont think that far ahead in the future. Because if i do think that far ahead, it will drive myself crazy with those thoughts. One does not know how truly lonely one can be until you are with someone and then something happens where you are not able to bei with that person. Those that havent experienced that are blessed in a sense of not knowing just how lonely it can be.
I had convinced myself that i had managed to push that pain back atleast for today. I was so confident that i would not have to deal with the pain until tomorrow. How very wrong i was. Today i was to go job hunting though i am not anxious to get a job. I hate having to start all over only this time, i am truly starting all over. I do not know where i am goin to live, what job i will get, when i will be happy again, when i can wake up and not be sad. I do not know any of these things. I try to be neither hopeful nor discouraging... i am just trying my best to exist right now.
I came back from Tomah, completely spent and exhausted. The migraine was ripping through me and i was exhausted from keepin the pain of it and other things at bay. i did not really want to sleep but my body had other plans. So i layed down and hope for a peaceful slumber. I do not know what i dreamed of but when i woke up, my chest and mind hurt even more than when i had woken up this morning. it quite literally stole my breath away and all i could do was lay there and hope for the strength to eventually pull myself out of bed. i think i layed there about an hr before i could muster the strength to get up.
I sat at the computer, and welcomed the headache that was consuming me. i decided to forgo goin on to second life atleast until i was able to push some of the pain in my heart at bay. i read some fanfictions for they usually bring me comfort and they did this time though at times, it is painful to read some of them..
i think that if i cried, it might relieve some of the pain but i cannot bring myself to cry for whatever reason. i have taken to scrubbing my face with my hands and just remembering to breathe. it is not the end of the world what i am goin through.. it is just more than my body and mind can fully deal with right now. i can still smile, nod and laugh but rarely do i actually feel the laughter.
I am not sure if i am aptly describing how i have been feeling but i think to atleast talk this much about it is a start in a direction. My mind, body and soul are tired, aching and wanting a rest that doesnt seem to want to come. i sleep a dreamless sleep either when i take somethin to get me to sleep or when i have been sleeping restlessly enough that my mind just shuts off and gives my body a chance to just relax. I do so miss those pleasant dreams i used to have and waking up happy, to know that my love is just a mouse click away and all i have to do is just log on and leave a sweet message and to receive a sweet message in return. that feeling of...belongin and knowin that though the rest of the world may go to hell, that i would have atleast one person to count on no matter what. to have the guy completely in love with me and for me to be into him just as much, seein only him as the rest of the world disappears. well i gave that up and i guess this is my due.
P00760:how are u ?2 day ?
Meg:
i'm ok, i woke up from a nap with my chest or rather my heart really hurtin me but now i seem to be back to bein blessedly numb lol
P00760:ohhhhh megy please u have 2 take care about ur helth
Meg:i know but it is hard when my heart hurts me so....
P00760:u have 2 take a big rest and sleep well ohhhh my cute girl how are u now ?
Meg:i do rest but i wake up sad
P00760:just take care beath well Hbebty
breath *
Meg:i am tryin to but it is hard... i am very..vulnerable when i first wake up
P00760:ohhh sweety
Meg:i'm so tired wakin up sad... but i cant seem to help it...
P00760:i really feel that i need 2 hug u wormly
what do u think why ur heart hurts u ?
Meg: because of my dreams... they remind me of the person i love... and what i once had with him and probably wont have again and it hurts to know that i cant go back and undo the mistakes i made with him
that my takin a chance with another guy... would leave me so alone and unsure of where to proceed next in my life
P00760:please my sweet baby
u have 2 stop this feeling
really u have 2 think about it seruosly
it was his mistake
not yours
u have 2 understand that
Meg: i know that.... i know that the guy leavin me was his mistake... and my friends believe he left me so fast because she slept with a woman and got her pregnant and it hurts to be...discarded so...easily and coldly
but the person i love didnt leave me.... i just got lost and i did not see the hand he was holdin
out to help find me... and when i did see it...it was too late
P00760: so ..... now ur sufring
and u don't know who u did that mistakes
with him
and evry thing
right
ok
now he's with another woman
ok
he's doing sex with her going out have fun evrything
and if he think about Megy
yes... he gets the life he always wanted and i am left in the dust...
wishin that i had never taken him over the man who truly had my best interests at heart
megy please
u did right thing with him before
and he did a big mistake with u
now ur feeling that u
made him 2 leve u
all that are ok
but
for when ?
when will you stop this
Meg:i dont know....
P00760:and leave the past
u have 2 know
Meg:when it doesnt hurt so much to wake up in the morning....
P00760:coz ur thinking with wrong way
if u think with right way
u will make ur self
understand
Meg:i cannot stop what i dream about lol
P00760:that ur in right side and u have 2 start now life
Meg:what i did, i thought was for the best, i realize that
it frustrates me though that the person i risked so much for gave me up so easily....
ok can u tell me what do u want 2 do for all of that ?
Meg:i dont know... i cant do anything... just wonder if he realizes just how much he hurt me and feels bad about it.. i wont ever know
i dont hate him
P00760:ok do u have his e-mail ?
?
Meg:no, i deleted him off my email
i only have his myspace
P00760:ok
send a message 4 him
not 2 ask him mersy
just tell him what u want 2 tell
any thing make u have good feel
Meg:i wont do any good lol
it* and besides, all he has to do is read my journals to know just the kind of shit i've been through
P00760:no tell him that he was in wrong side
and any thing
he knows he was wrong
tell him i still love u coz iam better than u
ok
we want 2 leave all that in past
right
he was wrong
he was not deserve ur love
u was in right side
he left u
so ...
Meg:i know...everything i felt was real.... and it's his loss, i know that
P00760:the God protect u from him 2 safe ur life
u have 2 be happy with that
u know him in his real face
emagen if he does not left u
and he still with u
some day u will do sex 2gether
may be he will tell u
i ll marry u and evrything
and have sex with u
just he's taking what he want
emagen sudenly
he will tell u ok megy i can't be with u any more
bye
emgen if that happend
what will u do ?
what will u feel
Meg:i dont know he told me that he couldnt be with me unless he won the lottery or died
P00760:the God protect u from him in perfect time
so
what's his name ?
???? u 4 got it ?
lol no hard to forget his name
lol
what's j=his name ?
D
so D bye ur from from my past
i have my new life
megy u have evrything that any girl wish 2 have
u will finde another love
trust me
Meg:i would not go back to him if he asked me to lol
P00760:lol
i know
but i want u 2 for got him and put him out of ur mind
think about Brad Bit, Tom Crous, shone conry think about them u will dream nice one
lol
Meg:lmao they are a bit..old for me
P00760:ok think about me u will got a ...................... dream
u ll be shake when u wake up
lol
i was in love megy
same ur love
she was in Iraq
and iam here in Qatar
i know her from the net
then mobile phone
for 3 years
we were in love
but at last
she got another one
it was really really hard
but now
iam asking the God 2 make she happy
what can we do
we cannot do much
and may be some time i ll find a girl who can save my love
Meg:just forgive those that have hurt us and believe that God has someone better for us out there..
P00760:yes
oh Megy it's hurt
right ?
Meg:yes it hurts a lot...
Perhaps i will continue this journal later or start a new one, i'm not sure right now. i just know i have run out of ways to describe how i'm feeling right now. i just hope this numbness lasts me quite a while.