Irish Lass's Ramblings

location: WI

mood: guilty

 I woke up this morning but i didnt even want to get out of bed. I dont have anyone anxious to see me pop online and i dont have any hosting to do. But i couldnt seem to get myself to go back to sleep and having pokemon come on didnt help because there was a certain name in there that is C's girlfriend. It's a good thing that Pokemon isn't a favorite of mine lmao.

So i lay there this morning, willing myself to go back to sleep and willing the pain to go away. So many thoughts ran through my head of what was and what could have been had i only well.... been more patient. I know, i'm torturing myself and i shouldnt but someone should tell my heart that.

Since i've been betrayed, i've become a lot quieter and sadder. More prone to being down in the dumps then being happy. I dont know where to go from here nor how i am ever going to get past this. I range from being so sad to being numb.

I heard from D/S earlier this month. I meant to post a journal about it but i havent felt like doing much of anything. I guess I should continue to keep his nam anonymous but it doesnt matter anymore. I dont mean anything to him and i doubt he will read this. Even if he does... i guess it wont matter because he said all he was goin to say.

[7:26]  Caryna Ballinger: it's catri lol
[7:29]  Caryna Ballinger: i've got that darn flu that's been goin around
[7:31]  S: I remember. awww, stay away from chickens then.
[7:31]  Caryna Ballinger: lol we have geese here, not chickens
[7:33]  Caryna Ballinger: balth has a girlfriend now...
[7:37]  S: mmm, think you told me that about a month ago.   Well that was bound to happen soon enough.
[7:37]  Caryna Ballinger: yes that's true... not sure what to think about that
[7:40]  Caryna Ballinger: this flu is kickin my ass but i cant seem to sleep for long...
[7:40]  Caryna Ballinger: my stomach is in such knots right now
[7:46]  Caryna Ballinger: what's happened to us?
[7:56]  S: My priorities changed, I have a son to take care of and Allys pregnantwith her ex's baby, I'm barely making enough money to keep us afloat and getting fired on Monday  really hasn't helped.  I just can't deal with anything else right now...
[7:56]  Caryna Ballinger: so i'm just left hangin in the balance?
[7:57]  Caryna Ballinger: u made so many promises to me david... and now i have nothing
[7:58]  S: Life changes, we change with it.  I'm accepting my responsibilities whatever the cost.
[7:59]  Caryna Ballinger: her second child is not ur responsibility
[8:00]  S: He will be, I will be put down as the father which I have agreed upon with her and her mom.
[8:00]  Caryna Ballinger: u made me believe so much and it doesnt mean crap to u
[8:01]  S: Well I accept that but its easy for you to say that being over there.
[8:02]  Caryna Ballinger: do u think ANY of this is easy for me?
[8:02]  Caryna Ballinger: well it's NOT
[8:03]  S: ok well there's nothing I can say or do.
[8:03]  Caryna Ballinger: there is but u wont do it because i'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR U
[8:03]  S: like what?
[8:04]  Caryna Ballinger: oh gee let's see? realize that u cant take on everyone else's problems?
[8:04]  Caryna Ballinger: yes u deserve to see ur child
[8:04]  Caryna Ballinger: i should have known the moment u moved in with her...that what we had wasnt good enough
[8:04]  S: I've only taken on my familys and Allys.  Everyone else is on the sidelines...
[8:05]  Caryna Ballinger: u were supposed to be my partner david...
[8:05]  Caryna Ballinger: u PRMOMISED me
[8:05]  Caryna Ballinger: and u broke it
[8:05]  S: things change
[8:05]  Caryna Ballinger: lmao yea u can say that
[8:05]  Caryna Ballinger: ur all the way over there
[8:06]  S: exactly but not going to get into an argument over it.
[8:09]  Caryna Ballinger: i hope she knows how lucky she is
[8:10]  S: She ain't my partner, just the mother of my child and an old friend.
[8:10]  Caryna Ballinger: yes but ur still takin care of her
[8:10]  Caryna Ballinger: and one day u may be with her
[8:10]  Caryna Ballinger: and i wil..fade into the distance as i always have
[8:14]  S: I'm taking care of my responsibilities, if she wanted too, she could run me through the courts and get support that way. But the chances of her and I being together rofl, mmm no.
[8:14]  Caryna Ballinger: then what about us?
[8:15]  S: Us ain't gonna happen.  Unless I win the lottery or die.  Whichever comes first
[8:16]  Caryna Ballinger: if u died we still woulndt happen because u would be gone for good
[8:17]  Caryna Ballinger: http://irishfairylass.livejournal.com/
[8:18]  Caryna Ballinger: good bye david.. i will always care for u and i wish u the best...

  I guess i could have said more to him but it wouldnt have really matter. His cold disregard for me left me without words. I told C about the whole incident and this is what i wrote to him:
I wish david wouldnt have come back into my life back in Dec. I guess it doesnt matter anymore... it cant change the past.. i got upset over a man who threw me over the side of a boat into waters infested with sharks without even a thought of how i would survive. and here i sit..crying, sick from the flu and hurtin so much. he helped ruin my life... and now i dont know what to do. i wrote in my journal a couple of days ago. i suppose i should write in it now..but i just cant fathom the energy. i guess i'm not good enough for anyone.. i have my answer- he doesnt want me... i guess i should have known that the moment he got so weird back in january. i guess this is my punishment for hurtin u and whoever else i might have accidently hurt. i cant even show him half the pain he has caused me. all those promises...words..didnt mean jack shit. my heart is broken even more and he cant even say sorry... i dissolved the partnership between caryna and sariel. so i guess he is free to do as he pleases. he has his family that he always wanted. i guess i dont appear to have good enough genes to have his kids lmao. he said i was his soulmate at one point..why the FUCK did he say that if he was just gonna let go so easily just because his "friend" needed a daddy for her kid?

I dont hate D/S. I probably could if i tried but eh too much energy and i am not one to hate easily.
[9:53]  M: may I make a point, from one friend to another who has been through this?
[9:53]  M: (meaning long distance relationship ingame where I was in love IRL)
[9:53]  Catriona Fitzgerald: sure
[9:54]  M: honee, he is not telling you the whole truth, but he also knows that you aren't going to end up on his doorstep and find out the truth
[9:54]  Catriona Fitzgerald: lol d/s or c?
[9:55]  Mi: 1) I think the baby is his, but he can't admit to you that he had sex with her...  even if the baby's sibling is his birth kid, he would not just move in with his ex, give the new child a name, and plan on being with her for a long time, if there was not some comensation involved
[9:55]  M: talking about D/S/
[9:56]  M: errr -/
[9:56]  Catriona Fitzgerald: oooh ok
[9:56]  M: I think his reaction to you, and how he put it to you, shows that he is completely over you, and he doesn't really care
[9:57]  M: I would give completely up on him, because he is affecting you...  truly, even a number of us who are not completely in the loop have noticed
[9:57]  M: we all love you, sweetheart, we want our Catri back
[9:58]  M: I know that alot of D/S and C have affected you, but sweetie, you are still in there...  and in order to find that person again, you need to start surrounding yourself with positive... with love....  with support... with true friendship
[10:02]  Catriona Fitzgerald: i guess i havent really allowed myself deal with d/s betrayin me and while part of me knows deep down that c is my friend... i'm not sure how to get back to that... i dont know how to find me again... and i miss the old me as well...all this bad stuff has been happenin and i feel so alone a lot of the time...
[10:06]  M: here is what I would suggest...  stop talking to D/S...  he has moved on, he has his family, and the American girl with the broken heart means nothing to him.  (I love you, I am not trying to be mean, just saying it from his angle).  Spend time with some friends on here, when you have the time to.  Do some shifts, have family snuggle you.
[10:08]  Catriona Fitzgerald: ok :) i took him off my profile after the convo, i guess what i need to do now is take him out of everything- rl and sl
[10:08]  Catriona Fitzgerald: i've done it before
[10:09]  Catriona Fitzgerald: i should have stuck to it lmao
[10:09]  Morgana Shi: it is the best thing for you, sweetheart
[10:09]  M: honee, you are not in a good place right now... you need to start working at getting yourself out of there, before you get sucked in deeper
[10:10]  Catriona Fitzgerald: i know... i'm just not sure how...
[10:10]  M: one moment at a time...  one step at a time
[10:10]  M: one friend at a time
[10:10]  M: reach out, ask to spend time with friends

I've been away from the computer for about a week. It was a combo of helping my dad out, being sick with the flu and being heartsick. I didnt eat much this week and my sleeping was sporadic. I just couldnt bring myself to eat much.  I dont have much of an appetite these days and usually when i do eat something, i feel like i want to throw it up.  What i am able to keep inside well that doesnt last for very long. i think it's a combo of the flu and being heartsick. 

All week i was reminded of C. No matter how i would try to stop the thoughts, they would come back at me. I heard a song being played on the t.v. though i dont remember it, i ended up crying myself to sleep because it made me feel so sad. Dad and i watched his friends' two boys twice this week and both were very hard. The one little boy reminded me so much of C with his love for math and his mischieviousness. I had to fight back the tears that tried to come. When i wasnt helping my dad out, i spent time laying on the couch, tryin to nap so as to get some temporary relief. it was hard sleeping at night. I would wake up suddenly with dreams of C stuck in my head. I wanted to sit there and cry but the tears wouldnt come. I prefer the numbness to the pain because then i can atleast not feel so.... i dunno what.
I had no idea just how much he meant to me. how his strength, support, silliness and other things kept me grounded. i felt it was ok to cry, to be happy, to be...whomever i chose to be. And now i dont know who or what i am. i miss him so much even though i talk to him just about everyday online. i miss the closeness we once had, the...feeling of being comfortable. i miss his voice, i miss..... him so very much. I wrote something about him in my sl profile last night. it came to me suddenly and i just had to write it down.

Every little girl wishes for a prince charming to come along and sweep her off her feet. It's the stuff made of fairytales and most do not get that chance.
Well i was given that chance. He's brave, funny, lovable, sweet, so many great things and yet so human. He brought me out of a darkness i did not know i was in.
Then someone came along and i became confused, believing that this person could be the right one.  Little did i know that he was just a frog hiding in a prince's body who would leave at the first hint of things getting tough.
And yet prince charming still stayed. Despite the pain i caused him.. he offered me a chance to find that light again with him. I took that offered hand too late.
I have loved him from the moment i saw him but lost him with one stupid mistake. I will always love him and no one can take that from me nor the memories, hopes and dreams we shared. I dont love him, I'm in love with him.
I've been 4given but need to 4give myself. If i could, i'd undo that mistake.

So yes, he's forgiven me for the pain i caused him but it doesnt disguise the fact that i hurt him, that i am sooooo sorry for it. that i've gotten down on my hands and knees and prayed for forgiveness from him, from God, from myself.

I'm not sure what to say now...it all just hurts so much. I want him back though i know i dont deserve to have him and i dont know if i'll get the chance to have him back.
I'm so scared of the future.. i dont know what i'm goin to do, where i'm goin to get a job... if i'm goin to find love again.. i really dont know anything. maybe i was meant to be alone... i dont know.