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MEMORIES
Well my dad is back in town. I didnt even know he was coming until he showed up last night. I had an incident with C. He accidently sent me an IM meant for his girlfriend. I still have feelings for this person and when he sent me that, i started to cry. it hurt so much to realize that he once said i love u to me and now it is for her. I told a friend about it and his comment struck home because though it hurt, it is true "mmm another incident with C, that sucks. It is very hard to stay friends with an ex, sorry. And i thought you already knew that you are not what he wanted for a gf. If you were he would be with you, right? So out of self preservation you really need to accept it is over. " It hurts to realize that i am not wanted in that way because at one time.. i was. At one time i was wanted by two men that mean so very much to me. And now, neither of them seems to want me and it hurts.. it hurts a lot. I dont want to lose either of them. I dont know how to separate my feelings. To be happy for them even though i am miserable. I dont want to say goodbye to either of them though i have been advised to. People just dont understand what i'm dealin with.
So my dad asked if i wanted to go out for a bite to eat and he said he thought it might cheer me up. I was all for it and was ready shortly. We stopped by a friend's house who now owns a group home business. This woman i love to death and she is an absolute sweetheart. She may only be 4ft10 but she knows how to run a tight ship when need be and knows how to have fun. She raised 4 girls practically by herself and they are all pretty cool, down to earth young women. Well anyways, i was so happy to see her as i always am and i felt right at home. She offered me a glass of wine which i accepted. Drinking it brought back the summer of 06, fall and winter when i would hang out at her house, sipping wine with her, relaxing and grieving together over the loss of tiff. they were sweet memories and i basked in them for a time, remembering how different things and i was back then. i went up the stairs to say hello to her husband and her daughter. it was nice to see them as well. their dog buster followed me around and demanded attention lol. we didnt stay long as we were to meet up with a friend of dad's at the bar. i was a bit sad to go but i will return someday since she lives not far from me.
well we met his friend at the bar and he was nice. i guess he is an artist and musician and he looks similar to my uncle that he could be related. so i thought of him as a quiet if somewhat absent minded honorary uncle. i drank two seagrams' cherry fizzy's and one glass of a cherrydrpepsi (pepsi with cherry flavored Dr. McGillicudy's liquor- not sure if cherrydrpepsi is the actual name of the drink, i didnt pay much attention, i just figured that since it had cherry and pepsi in it, i would give it a shot). They were all quite tasty and i was tempted to have another fizzy but the boneless buffalo wings i had sampled were kind of messin with me. I had their famous house burger and a batch of breaded olives. It was all quite tasty and i was feeling quite sleepy. I was still feeling down about the earlier incident and everytime someone mentioned Scotch, i wanted to cry but i was doing ok otherwise. i talked to the bartender about various stuff because she had actually been a few years ahead of me in school. we talked about her kids and other things. she suggested the cherrydrpepsi. She seemed to be flirting with my dad's friend which was kind of amusing and my dad's friend was tryin to flirt back. He did say something that had me laughing though i dont remember what. i sat there most of the time, lost in my own thoughts. i felt like a bit of a tagalong which was out i felt when i used to go out with dad and his friends. i didnt have much to contribute to the convo since they were talkin about cars and various other stuff that i dont have much knowledge on. it was a weird deja vu being in that situation because i've been in it before. i didnt mind too much though because i wasnt really in a mood to talk much anyways.
we got goin around 10:15 so i was back at the house by 10:30 or so. dad sat there and talked to me about the C incident. He told me that i really shouldnt be crying over it. That i hadnt met him, nor had i touched skin so how could i know if my feelings were real. He said to wait until i actually touched someone before i got upset over someone on the other side of a computer screen. He had a good point though i didnt entirely agree with him. I chose not to say much though and just nodded my head. that happens a lot with him... i cant seem to stand my ground when it counts or when i do, i'm told how childish or disrespectful i am being. But i guess that is a parent for u. While some things have changed with my dad being away on his trip, some other stuff hasnt changed a bit. I love him and i missed him dearly but i hope that he may change his ways over time or that i will eventually get a backbone and stand up to not only him but others. i'm glad i went out with him though and it was nice to have a few drinks and being around that which is familiar.
G/D (i dont remember what name i used for him in my last journal lol) logged on early this morning. I was buzzing from going out for drinks with my dad and i was exhausted due to not gettin that much sleep yesterday. My plan was to go to sleep when i got back from visitin with my dad but i logged on to SL to pay the host and dj after winning an event earlier because my dad had shown up suddenly and i didnt have time to pay them. Well i ended up stayin through the rest of the events. The event was a lot of fun. I was pretty random and at times a bit coarse due to the fact that i was buzzin and in the mood to be cheeky. Well the people didnt seem to mind so i guess it was ok. In fact i think some had more fun readin what next would come out of my mouth. Well i was tired and was goin to go to bed but then my grams(on sl she is related to me lol) im'd me to mention about the fact that i had said i would cover for slingo. I tried to get someone to cover both hours but no one seemed to want to. So i arrived late and spent most of my time, fightin off sleep. Hour 2 into the game, someone showed up who was willin to relieve me. Which i was soooo grateful for. Just as i went to log off G/D logged on... I sat there, shaking so badly i thought i wasnt goin to stop. I tried to stop it but my body wouldnt cooperate. I havent talked to him in 3 weeks and i believed that i wouldnt talk to him again anytime soon. Well i should have just logged off but dummy me believed that he would want to talk with me. He kept on logging on an off and well..here is the convo - (the clock is 2 hrs behind central time)
[2008/03/09 23:54] Me: hello
[2008/03/09 23:56] Me: ok i dont talk to u for 3 wks and u cant even say hello when u pop on lol.
[2008/03/09 23:58] Me sighs - we REALLY need to talk..we cant just...leave things like this... so drop me an email sometime or something. i'm exhausted, i have to get to bed, my rl dad is back so goin to spend time with him tomorrow so i guess i will talk to u..whenever
[2008/03/10 0:02] Me: u came back on lol
[2008/03/10 0:03] Me: DAMNIT G/D... dont just... run away and leave things as they are. TALK to me or doesnt what we had mean anything to u? i gotta go, i'm exhausted and i cant stop shakin
[2008/03/10 7:19] : (Saved Mon Mar 10 02:10:01 2008) G/D: Possibly because I'm having urrrr having logon problems?
[2008/03/10 7:21] Me: 3 weeks without a word and that's all u have to say? *sighs* well i guess i will talk to u when u next log on
*bangs head on desk in frustration* if that isnt pathetic.. i dont know what is. I gave soooo much of myself to that man and he didnt even have the decency to say sorry? I know i am not filet mignon when it comes to being the prime meat but i still deserve more than that. I am a Goddess in my own right and i deserve to be treated as such. No i shouldnt come above everything but i dont deserve to be last on the list. the proof is right there in front of my face, it's probably been there all along. While i have a glimpse of it.. i dont have an actual clear picture. I i can see his and my relationship has pretty much crumbled and yet there is a hope inside of me that somewhere's, there is a reason why he has gone mental on me (brit speak that means a bit crazy). ironic how i didnt get to say goodbye to tiffy and it would seem that i cant bring myself to say goodby to my relationship with G/D. Eventually i will move on and perhaps i will even find a man who treats me decently and brings out that spark in me that i need in order to want to be with a guy. I am picky when it comes to such things which is probably why i am alone right now but i guess there is a reason for that too that i cant see. i know in my heart that i shouldnt settle for anything less than i deserve and yet i find myself pining over a man that dropped me like a sack of potatoes shortly after he moved in with an old flame. i was so fucking stupid to think that i would mean as much to him as he said i did. if he honestly cared about me... he wouldnt have strung me along and let me think that his being distant meant he was just workin a lot. i know i can be naive but i'm not stupid. and i dont appreciate being treated as the easily discarded girlfriend that will be picked up if things dont work out between whatever gal he may be with now. And yet... i cant forget the look in his eyes and his change of voice when i said i loved him. it was something that i prayed would never fade. i scared me to care that much for a guy and yet i couldnt seem to help myself. i fell deeper than i realized at the time and i am not sure how to find that latter and climb my way out.
A plus side to today is some books that i am goin to read. I have been obsessed with reading excerpts about books on Sherrilyn Kenyon's website. She goes by Kinley MacGregor when she writes certain novels. I have been intrigued by her since happening upon a book by her when i was at the library on base back in NC shortly before i left to come back to WI. The book was called The Dream-Hunter. The moment i saw the guy on the book, he pierced me with those captivating eerily blue eyes, god- like face and that hair as black as onyx. I really wanted to take the book back with me to read but i was not sure when i might be able to get it back. There is no late fee due to the fact that many soldiers borrow books and take them with me when they are shipped out. You just return it when u come back or are able to ship it back. But i thought it best to just leave it and write down the name. Well as usual, i lost the bit of paper and couldnt remember the name. I am subscribed to an Eharlequin newsletter (yes i used to get books in the mail from Harlequin and am an avid reader of them when i can afford to buy them) so i was lookin on there because i was bored and i came across Sherri's name. I clicked on it because it seemed vaguely familiar. Lo and behold, it was the very same person that i had been lookin for. So since then, i have been hooked to the site. She has written a lot of books and she is workin on even more as i type this. I hope to read them all though with a couple of library cards that arent that good anymore and no job to support my reading habit, i have to be patient and hope that i will figure something out. Well my sis was walkin by as i was lookin at an excerpt. To my surprise, she told me that she actually had a couple of books that she had picked up at the Goodwill. They are the last 2 parts of a 3 part series but hey, atleast i have a couple of books that i can read of hers. I am excited to get started on them and will probably read them today and possibly tomorrow.
I am goin to be away for the night and probably most of tomorrow to meet a few of my dad's friends and to help him out with something.
There are a lot of things that i need to change in my life. I dont know how i'm goin to change them but i will figure it out i guess. i dont know where my path is goin to take me or who i may meet along the way. I am looking forward to the people i may meet and the places i may see. I dont know when i am goin to get the money to follow my dreams but somehow, someway i will do it. I pray that i will find a job soon and though i am at the way station so to speak, soon i will be back on the highway, heading to my next destination in life.
if i'm meant to stay in contact with those i hold dear to me right now, it will be figured out. but i will need help and i hope that those people wont expect me to keep up my end of things and they dont. it's a two way street and it wont work if i dont have help. u know who u are and to those that arent willin to try to reach me as i reach out to u, i am sorry to hear that and i wish that ur path will be a smoothe one. just because i may lose contact, does not mean u mean any less to me. it just means that circumstances are out of my hand. i dont have my own laptop or computer or even my own phone to keep in contact, so until i can get on my feet, there will be points where i wont be available. bear with me and eventually, the path will be a little less rocky for me.
I wish u safe paths and the best life has to offer
Slainte and Blessed Be
~M
So my dad asked if i wanted to go out for a bite to eat and he said he thought it might cheer me up. I was all for it and was ready shortly. We stopped by a friend's house who now owns a group home business. This woman i love to death and she is an absolute sweetheart. She may only be 4ft10 but she knows how to run a tight ship when need be and knows how to have fun. She raised 4 girls practically by herself and they are all pretty cool, down to earth young women. Well anyways, i was so happy to see her as i always am and i felt right at home. She offered me a glass of wine which i accepted. Drinking it brought back the summer of 06, fall and winter when i would hang out at her house, sipping wine with her, relaxing and grieving together over the loss of tiff. they were sweet memories and i basked in them for a time, remembering how different things and i was back then. i went up the stairs to say hello to her husband and her daughter. it was nice to see them as well. their dog buster followed me around and demanded attention lol. we didnt stay long as we were to meet up with a friend of dad's at the bar. i was a bit sad to go but i will return someday since she lives not far from me.
well we met his friend at the bar and he was nice. i guess he is an artist and musician and he looks similar to my uncle that he could be related. so i thought of him as a quiet if somewhat absent minded honorary uncle. i drank two seagrams' cherry fizzy's and one glass of a cherrydrpepsi (pepsi with cherry flavored Dr. McGillicudy's liquor- not sure if cherrydrpepsi is the actual name of the drink, i didnt pay much attention, i just figured that since it had cherry and pepsi in it, i would give it a shot). They were all quite tasty and i was tempted to have another fizzy but the boneless buffalo wings i had sampled were kind of messin with me. I had their famous house burger and a batch of breaded olives. It was all quite tasty and i was feeling quite sleepy. I was still feeling down about the earlier incident and everytime someone mentioned Scotch, i wanted to cry but i was doing ok otherwise. i talked to the bartender about various stuff because she had actually been a few years ahead of me in school. we talked about her kids and other things. she suggested the cherrydrpepsi. She seemed to be flirting with my dad's friend which was kind of amusing and my dad's friend was tryin to flirt back. He did say something that had me laughing though i dont remember what. i sat there most of the time, lost in my own thoughts. i felt like a bit of a tagalong which was out i felt when i used to go out with dad and his friends. i didnt have much to contribute to the convo since they were talkin about cars and various other stuff that i dont have much knowledge on. it was a weird deja vu being in that situation because i've been in it before. i didnt mind too much though because i wasnt really in a mood to talk much anyways.
we got goin around 10:15 so i was back at the house by 10:30 or so. dad sat there and talked to me about the C incident. He told me that i really shouldnt be crying over it. That i hadnt met him, nor had i touched skin so how could i know if my feelings were real. He said to wait until i actually touched someone before i got upset over someone on the other side of a computer screen. He had a good point though i didnt entirely agree with him. I chose not to say much though and just nodded my head. that happens a lot with him... i cant seem to stand my ground when it counts or when i do, i'm told how childish or disrespectful i am being. But i guess that is a parent for u. While some things have changed with my dad being away on his trip, some other stuff hasnt changed a bit. I love him and i missed him dearly but i hope that he may change his ways over time or that i will eventually get a backbone and stand up to not only him but others. i'm glad i went out with him though and it was nice to have a few drinks and being around that which is familiar.
G/D (i dont remember what name i used for him in my last journal lol) logged on early this morning. I was buzzing from going out for drinks with my dad and i was exhausted due to not gettin that much sleep yesterday. My plan was to go to sleep when i got back from visitin with my dad but i logged on to SL to pay the host and dj after winning an event earlier because my dad had shown up suddenly and i didnt have time to pay them. Well i ended up stayin through the rest of the events. The event was a lot of fun. I was pretty random and at times a bit coarse due to the fact that i was buzzin and in the mood to be cheeky. Well the people didnt seem to mind so i guess it was ok. In fact i think some had more fun readin what next would come out of my mouth. Well i was tired and was goin to go to bed but then my grams(on sl she is related to me lol) im'd me to mention about the fact that i had said i would cover for slingo. I tried to get someone to cover both hours but no one seemed to want to. So i arrived late and spent most of my time, fightin off sleep. Hour 2 into the game, someone showed up who was willin to relieve me. Which i was soooo grateful for. Just as i went to log off G/D logged on... I sat there, shaking so badly i thought i wasnt goin to stop. I tried to stop it but my body wouldnt cooperate. I havent talked to him in 3 weeks and i believed that i wouldnt talk to him again anytime soon. Well i should have just logged off but dummy me believed that he would want to talk with me. He kept on logging on an off and well..here is the convo - (the clock is 2 hrs behind central time)
[2008/03/09 23:54] Me: hello
[2008/03/09 23:56] Me: ok i dont talk to u for 3 wks and u cant even say hello when u pop on lol.
[2008/03/09 23:58] Me sighs - we REALLY need to talk..we cant just...leave things like this... so drop me an email sometime or something. i'm exhausted, i have to get to bed, my rl dad is back so goin to spend time with him tomorrow so i guess i will talk to u..whenever
[2008/03/10 0:02] Me: u came back on lol
[2008/03/10 0:03] Me: DAMNIT G/D... dont just... run away and leave things as they are. TALK to me or doesnt what we had mean anything to u? i gotta go, i'm exhausted and i cant stop shakin
[2008/03/10 7:19] : (Saved Mon Mar 10 02:10:01 2008) G/D: Possibly because I'm having urrrr having logon problems?
[2008/03/10 7:21] Me: 3 weeks without a word and that's all u have to say? *sighs* well i guess i will talk to u when u next log on
*bangs head on desk in frustration* if that isnt pathetic.. i dont know what is. I gave soooo much of myself to that man and he didnt even have the decency to say sorry? I know i am not filet mignon when it comes to being the prime meat but i still deserve more than that. I am a Goddess in my own right and i deserve to be treated as such. No i shouldnt come above everything but i dont deserve to be last on the list. the proof is right there in front of my face, it's probably been there all along. While i have a glimpse of it.. i dont have an actual clear picture. I i can see his and my relationship has pretty much crumbled and yet there is a hope inside of me that somewhere's, there is a reason why he has gone mental on me (brit speak that means a bit crazy). ironic how i didnt get to say goodbye to tiffy and it would seem that i cant bring myself to say goodby to my relationship with G/D. Eventually i will move on and perhaps i will even find a man who treats me decently and brings out that spark in me that i need in order to want to be with a guy. I am picky when it comes to such things which is probably why i am alone right now but i guess there is a reason for that too that i cant see. i know in my heart that i shouldnt settle for anything less than i deserve and yet i find myself pining over a man that dropped me like a sack of potatoes shortly after he moved in with an old flame. i was so fucking stupid to think that i would mean as much to him as he said i did. if he honestly cared about me... he wouldnt have strung me along and let me think that his being distant meant he was just workin a lot. i know i can be naive but i'm not stupid. and i dont appreciate being treated as the easily discarded girlfriend that will be picked up if things dont work out between whatever gal he may be with now. And yet... i cant forget the look in his eyes and his change of voice when i said i loved him. it was something that i prayed would never fade. i scared me to care that much for a guy and yet i couldnt seem to help myself. i fell deeper than i realized at the time and i am not sure how to find that latter and climb my way out.
A plus side to today is some books that i am goin to read. I have been obsessed with reading excerpts about books on Sherrilyn Kenyon's website. She goes by Kinley MacGregor when she writes certain novels. I have been intrigued by her since happening upon a book by her when i was at the library on base back in NC shortly before i left to come back to WI. The book was called The Dream-Hunter. The moment i saw the guy on the book, he pierced me with those captivating eerily blue eyes, god- like face and that hair as black as onyx. I really wanted to take the book back with me to read but i was not sure when i might be able to get it back. There is no late fee due to the fact that many soldiers borrow books and take them with me when they are shipped out. You just return it when u come back or are able to ship it back. But i thought it best to just leave it and write down the name. Well as usual, i lost the bit of paper and couldnt remember the name. I am subscribed to an Eharlequin newsletter (yes i used to get books in the mail from Harlequin and am an avid reader of them when i can afford to buy them) so i was lookin on there because i was bored and i came across Sherri's name. I clicked on it because it seemed vaguely familiar. Lo and behold, it was the very same person that i had been lookin for. So since then, i have been hooked to the site. She has written a lot of books and she is workin on even more as i type this. I hope to read them all though with a couple of library cards that arent that good anymore and no job to support my reading habit, i have to be patient and hope that i will figure something out. Well my sis was walkin by as i was lookin at an excerpt. To my surprise, she told me that she actually had a couple of books that she had picked up at the Goodwill. They are the last 2 parts of a 3 part series but hey, atleast i have a couple of books that i can read of hers. I am excited to get started on them and will probably read them today and possibly tomorrow.
I am goin to be away for the night and probably most of tomorrow to meet a few of my dad's friends and to help him out with something.
There are a lot of things that i need to change in my life. I dont know how i'm goin to change them but i will figure it out i guess. i dont know where my path is goin to take me or who i may meet along the way. I am looking forward to the people i may meet and the places i may see. I dont know when i am goin to get the money to follow my dreams but somehow, someway i will do it. I pray that i will find a job soon and though i am at the way station so to speak, soon i will be back on the highway, heading to my next destination in life.
if i'm meant to stay in contact with those i hold dear to me right now, it will be figured out. but i will need help and i hope that those people wont expect me to keep up my end of things and they dont. it's a two way street and it wont work if i dont have help. u know who u are and to those that arent willin to try to reach me as i reach out to u, i am sorry to hear that and i wish that ur path will be a smoothe one. just because i may lose contact, does not mean u mean any less to me. it just means that circumstances are out of my hand. i dont have my own laptop or computer or even my own phone to keep in contact, so until i can get on my feet, there will be points where i wont be available. bear with me and eventually, the path will be a little less rocky for me.
I wish u safe paths and the best life has to offer
Slainte and Blessed Be
~M