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eaten that day but was glad I hadn't eaten before getting on the ride. I had my hand over my mouth while I was hanging onto one of the handlebars myself and what kept me from throwing up is that I didn't want to get sick on myself or the poor girl next to me or anyone else for that matter. I was so relieved when we finally stopped. All I wanted to do was flop down on the grass, find a safe place that was out of the way of the rides and just stay still until I could stop shaking and I could stop feeling so out of sorts but I didn't because well I just wanted to keep on going on instead of stopping to dwell over it. And so that's where I'm at... caught between wanting to stay still where it's familiar and figure things out and yet there's this restlessness where I want to get out and just try to find myself.. find.. whatever the elusive thing is I want to find.  I don't tell a lot of the people that I talk to about this. My thoughts are vivid and yet lucid.. often bouncing between the two and should someone ask me what i'm thinking.. oftentimes it's hard for me to explain. I feel.. vulnerable, prickly, sad, happy, angry,peaceful and well a variety of emotions. I go between being restless and unable to sleep, even.. hyper almost. And then suddenly I am so tired, drained and I just want to curl up somewhere's quiet, warm and peaceful. There's so many that appear to be relying on me.. sometimes it's sporadic and other times it's almost daily. I have responsibilities, expectations and just a lot on my plate that I'm not quite sure what to do about all of it. It's hard for me to say no especially when someone needs my help that i find myself being stretched quite thin. I don't know
if some of them are doing it on purpose or purely by accident. I want to feel like i'm more than just a.. tool to some people and I absolutely hate the thought of feeling like i'm an inconvienance.. I know that i'm not the easiest person to be around at times but it doesn't mean that I don't deserve to have a voice, to be listened to.. to be asked about my opinions and thoughts and where i dont have to constantly defend myself for why i do what I do. I'm a grown up for cripes' sake, not a freaking child to have to answer to people all the time just because I may not be doing things that are considered "normal adult" stuff.

Perhaps because of these thoughts.. consciously or unconsciously.. I find myself having fantasies. The interesting
thing about fantasies is that they can be just that or they can be the anticipation of hoping that it will come true which would put it more under the title of being a dream. Perhaps I should not allow them to enter my mind so often as they do and sometimes I do put a stop to them but that block doesn't usually last for long..

There's a part of me that really doesn't want to stop the fantasies for though they are not real, they are something to hang onto. They are something that no one can take away from me because they are inside of me. Isn’t that part of the lure of fantasies and dreams after all? There was a time where some of them appeared to be close to coming true but alas would seem they were not meant to be or maybe they are but not in that time frame. *sighs* I can’t even begin to describe how frustrating it can be. To want something that you know darn well you shouldn’t want… or rather not in the exact context. But atleast this time I realize that what’s fantasy and what’s real are two totally different things. And on the days when it’s particularly hard to push away certain thoughts… I find myself wanting to be extra careful to not make a fool of myself. There are times when I yearn so much to be able to tell my hopes, dreams, fears, thoughts, everything to. I miss being able to do that so much. I miss being able to feel like I’m part of a group.. that I’m an important piece to a puzzle that is needed in order to be whole. And so perhaps that is why I have these.. fantasies but honestly I really cannot say. My mind has always thought randomly with really not rhyme or reason. I don’t know how to stop myself sometimes from thinking things that are better left alone. If I listen to certain songs, they also tend to trigger certain things and most of the times they are good but not always. I guess that’s sort of the price you pay for certain decisions that you made and others that you chose to ignore or didn’t see until it was too late. And sometimes I feel as though these.. thoughts I have are what keep me sane. I’ve always had a healthy imagination and it’s seen me through some  tough times to be sure.  I have this picture that hangs up in my SL house and everytime I look at it, there’s a mixture of dreaminess and bittersweetness. The dreaminess because I wonder if there’s a chance that I may have that one day and bittersweetness because there were times I was so sure I was so close to having that. And I’ve been playing this one particular song most of the evening though I cannot really explain why and much of it doesn’t have to deal with the various thoughts running through my head. It’s like I feel the need to keep on repeating it and listen to it. It seems to almost… speak to me. It’s a very powerful song to be sure- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k&feature=related

Someone has recently shown back up in my life whom I did not expect to so to put it mildly, I was shocked. For over three weeks I thought that I’d been left without a word. Come to find out the message I had been sent had somehow been swallowed up online and only recently had learned of all that had happened. Due to what’s happened in my past and despite my not wanting to compare.. I really could not help myself coming to that conclusion but had hoped that eventually I would get an answer as to what had happened or worse case scenario.. somehow word would get to me that he was gone from this world… which is a thought that I tried my best not to entertain. After talking to some people and getting some advice, most just came to the conclusion either he had gotten caught up and hadn’t gotten word or he’d left for well whatever reason. Really it’s a situation I did not forsee myself being in. To have such a connection with someone in such a short amount of time and then to find out that what you’d thought was going on was only partly true. Well atleast he came forth and confessed what was going on. I’m trying to learn to adjust because well it seems to be what I do a lot to be honest. I find myself waiting up at all odd hours and getting up sometimes at odd hours, hoping to catch him on as I used to but it would seem things have changed in that dept too. I can understand the whole RL thing.. truly I do and I’m not complaining and am trying to bear with him… but a short note or something about what’s going on would be nice. I get the feeling it’s not on purpose that he forgets, his life is crazy as of late.. but I really do miss well.. a lot of things *sighs* I’d rather not go into it as it’s late here and I’m probably getting to melancholy for my own good at the moment anyways. And yet despite it all, I would not exchange it for anything. No matter the distance or how much time lapses, there's just that... thing there that ends up drawing us back to each other. I don't know what it would be called nor can I really explain it. It just... is... and so I try my best to cherish what we do have and to look forward to the times when we can spend together, no matter how long or short.

I went to the High School Bonfire yesterday with my cousin who doesn’t have her license so in order to be able to drive she needs someone to go with her to wherever and usually I’ll tag along like if it’s to the gas station along those lines. I wasn’t sure if we were going due to some set backs but they were put aside for the time being. It was a bit of a cool night so we brought blankets just in case though I was quite comfortable in my big hoody red sweatshirt. I bought a sweatshirt with the town emblem on it but am not wearing it until today as well that’s mostly what I bought it for. Anyways, we stopped for something warm to drink, I bought some teriyaki beef jerky, a bit of cheese and a cappachino which consisted of mostly english toffee, a bit of french vanilla with some flavored creamers tossed in and some half and half. We were then on our way, stopping by my cousins’ house so that my cousin could see her nephew.. I know a bit confusing but get this… one of my cousins is my third and first cousin… will maybe explain that later. Anyways, we hung around for a bit and then about 10 to 8 we got going. We weren’t that far from the school so there really wasn’t any rush. When we got there, people were all over and we weren’t quite sure where the bonfire was to be held. So we all went inside and I found myself tagging along after my cousin and her friends. It was rather nice, despite the fact that I felt like a bit of an oddball trailing after 16 and 17 year olds lol but hey I wasn’t really complaining and they didn’t seem to mind. We stopped by the school store where we all bought various things to eat or drink. Then most of us went to the bathroom which was my original destination to begin with. So that was done and my cousin and I and her friend headed back outside. It was a bit cool but not too bad and was rather… refreshing. There were so many kids and high schoolers and parents and coaches hanging around as well as some firemen in case the blaze were to get out of control and there was this huge pile of wood that smelled like it had been soaked in gasoline. Most everyone just stood around talking, listening to the band play and the cheerleaders cheering. After a few minutes or so, everyone quieted down and the ceremony of crowning the King and Queen of Homecoming commensed. I did not know either of the people that were crowned but I clapped anyways and everyone seemed pretty happy about it. Then the King and Queen along with a school janitor took up a piece of wood, lit it and started to light the pile in a circle. It did not take long at all for the wood to catch fire and then there really was no need for blankets. I took quite a bit of pics though some of them did not come out and people kept on getting in the way lol. Someone started playing music though most of the music sounded like it was popular back in the 60’s and 70’s. There was one song though I can’t remember the name of it that started a canga line. All sorts of people were grabbed, mostly the coaches and little kids joined it. It was quite the line and it was amusing to watch. I joined in for a bit and then stepped back to watch and smile. So overall it was a rather interesting night and I’m glad that I went. I wanted to stand near the bonfire until it went out though my cousin was ready to go shortly before 9. I wasn’t quite ready to go and so bided my time, just wanting to watch and observe, thinking how nice it would have been for our class to do that sort of thing. It used to be quite the tradition and then it stopped once the new school was built. Apparently though it is now going to be a regular tradition. Am looking forward to the next one next year where my cousin will be a Senior. Would have been nice to bring someone around my age or a bit older with me to well make it not seem as though I came just to hang out with the high schoolers lol… but ahh well I came there to have fun and just let loose and maybe reminisce a bit. Today is the Football Game which I am looking forward to going to. It will be interesting for sure and I have my camera charging just to be on the safe side so hopefully the batteries won’t go dead during whatever I decide to record or take pictures of.

I waited a while to finish this journal and thought perhaps I could make it all make sense and then I realized that it wouldn’t because a lot of my thoughts and things that have happened or lack of things happening.. all of it doesn’t make sense. So these are my thoughts.. some of them rather raw and others just a hodge podge of what comes to my head. This may very well be one of the journals that makes the least sense but that’s ok. It’s my thoughts and much is what I cannot explain to those that may wonder what is going on. I don’t know what to say half the time to people about what’s really going on with me because I don’t truly know.  I don’t need for it to make sense for people to get the jist of what I’ve been saying.

                I’d best get to bed as it’s after 4 am my time and I have a few things to do before the game. For those of you that read this, may it make sense and may it help you in some way.

 

Slainte

 

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So here it is, just after 3 am. I am tired and yet I'm not.. if that makes any sense lol. It wasn't too bad of a day, despite the craziness of babysitting yet again and attempting to be entertaining to people without appearing to be too desperate. It's a rather... strange situation I find myself in as of late. Kind of caught in a limbo of sorts that I'm not quite sure how to get myself out of. It's been thirteen, almost fourteen days since i've heard from a friend of mine. I suppose I can pretty much assume that he most likely won't be coming back and that even if he does, there's a pretty good chance i'll get the ol' line of how things have changed and it's just not going to work out *sighs* I guess if things are complicated to begin with, one can't expect things to turn out simple. I mean it's only SL we were meant to be together in but meh.. I'd like to think that I still deserve to atleast get a heads up of what's going on... no matter how important or unimportant I may be to someone. I get so sick of these ups and downs and no matter how hard i try to harden myself... someone always manages to slip through but not long enough to seemingly get to know me... I was told with most it had something to do with the chase and when they feel it's not the same, many want to take off and try to get that feeling back... but whatever all this may be... it would be nice to not have things fall apart as soon as there's a rough patch... my heart tells me what my words cannot. I'm just...sighs... so tired... my patience is wearing thin and i've hit so many dead ends.

I find myself having well affections of sorts for someone that I've been around for like... weeks but have only recently opened my eyes to. Not sure if it's because I saw his pic and found out that he's 29 years old, a brit and 6ft2. For a while it seemed like he really wanted to get to know me and then well rpwise.. looks like he may very well end up being my cousin. RP or not.. sometimes it can suck having such a huge family when every potential male tends to get snatched up and because a family member or inlaw lol. I guess there's a reason for everything... Well anyways.. while it's nice to know that my attentions can go elsewhere, it's downright frustrating dealing with these silly hormones I find myself in... going between jealousy to happiness as just a simple thing to frustration to well the list keeps on going on. I find myself asking why the heck I act like that and how I feel like such a nimrod for being like that. My friend says I need to have the mentality that I can have any guy I want and to be cocky about it. Well cockiness isn't my thing lol... I can pretend I am for a bit but usually doesn't last long. Well I got to hear the guy's voice and it was rather nice.. ok kind of meltworthy... but when he gets around his best mates... he tends to be a bit of an obnoxious jerk. And yet if you get him away from them.. he can be pretty nice... almost...considerate. It's strange... it's like... I see different sides to him that most don't seem to pick up on and yet here I am... making a fool out of myself, iming the guy.. .etc and for what? because I can't seem to have the patience and just let guys come to me? *sighs* Sometimes it would be nice to portray that cockiness, confidence and well pizaz no matter how the guy is making me feel..atleast until I can figure out what's going on and if he's just being a player or really wants to get to know me... If a guy wants to be a player fine... but I'd rather not have my heartstrings played with... I want honesty, loyalty... well i'd better not even get started on that list or i'll be here all morning.

I came across a poem of sorts that struck a chord with me and is what prompted this livejournal entry.

Ever met someone who's voice calms your soul,
    uplifts your heart and just makes you want to be     the best you can be.  
Ever met someone who causes your heart to swell
    simply because they are who they are.
Ever known someone who's heart and soul you
     would protect.  Who you would sacrifice your
     own for?

I'm not sure how to comment on that or what to feel just yet but felt the need to put it up if only to go back and be able to review it later or just plain be able to check it out. And the simple answer to that though.. would be yes. I won't elaborate because I don't feel the need to elborate just yet and besides sometimes it's the things that you don't say that are heard the most. I've been told countless times that I will find someone special..etc...etc... I can't seem to help lately but to say that it's not very likely because realistically it's not. Then again supposedly fate finds you when you least expect it but well Fate sure is taking a long time to come pay me a visit lol. I would like to talk some of these thoughts over with friends and certain family members but they have other things on their minds and it's rare i feel that i've properly spitted out what I meant to say and even then it never quite seems to be fully what i needed to say... I mean what do you say to certain people who may understand what's going on and yet you may have that certain...awkwardness with? I don't want to keep everything inside and yet I don't want to blurt out too much... I tend to feel vulnerable if i think I've done too much of one or the other. Gaah I think I'm typing myself to sleep lol.

Well before I nod off and before I forget, I do have some happier news. My three day migraine seems to have mostly run its course and so I hopefully won't feel so.. weepy or sensitive... though it does seem to be lurking around the edges of my mind at the moment... silly thing.. i've thought about going to go see the doc about it but it's not really too painful.. mostly it's a lot of dizziness and my needing to try to be where it's quiet... and soothing and what not.. my dad thinks I should go get checked again.. that i should also try to get medical and see if i can get back on the medicine that i was on with my headaches but not sure if it would work the same for migraines.

I've had a Dell Inspiron 15 since August and it was only about 516 after taxes. I'm so glad that I got up the guts to get one as well I find myself being quite a bit busy and it's nice to be mobile with a laptop unless i'm around places where i cant tap into the internet or there isn't internet...it's nice to be able to lay in bed such as i am now and be able to type away. Well i have often fallen asleep with the laptop on my lap or on a chair beside me but for the most part, I tend to be able to stay awake long enough to shut it down.

I also recently aquired an awesome camera. I am going to a friend's wedding this week and I really want to be able to take pics but am tired of the disposables and having to borrow camera's. A week or so back an old aquaintance of mine contacted me and said that if there was someone who was looking for a decent camera to let him know. I really wanted it but wasn't so sure about paying 250 for the camera though apparently it's valued at close to 800 despite it being a 2006.. i think... and there's only just a little bit of wear on it. It's recently been tuned or something like that... I forget the term. Well out of the blue my sis suggested I get it and so I decided to contact the person. To my relief, he still had it. So he sent it out on monday and I just got it yesterday. Talk about fast shipping. It comes with a case, two memory cards, a chord to hook the camera up to the laptop or computer, another chord to hook the camera up to a tv, a battery, a battery charger and somewhere's he has a booklet. He gave me the online link to the booklet which has been rather helpful. I love it and I think it's so far worth every penny. It takes awesome dark pictures, am anxious to take all sorts of pics like sunsets and the stars and people and just well... i'm excited... I do love to take pictures and I guess i could be called an amateur photographer... There are so many different options with it that it's crazy and yet good. I was playing around with the sound and it freaked out scooby. So the camera itself is Canon PowerShot G6. I was given a link- http://www.usa.canon.com/consumer/controller?act=ModelInfoAct&tabact=DownloadDetailTabAct&fcategoryid=321&modelid=10463#DownloadDetailAct ... It really is quite the camera and is a cross between a camera and a video recorder. I'd upload pictures on here but am not really sure how on this particular page so shall have to try that later. I'm too knackered to attempt that sort of thing.

So for now that is the extent of my ramblings though there may be more later. I'm just so tired right now.. in more ways than one and I just want to go to sleep and just chill for a while. The A/C is on so that may help some and due to the fact that I will be babysitting most of the afternoon/night.. I just may need that extra bit of sleep.*sighs* my sis made a comment that i spend more time over there than i do here and i forget what else as I was pretty out of it but basically... it's hard for me to say no despite other plans i sometimes have.. i don't know why i can't say it.. even if it does wear me out quite a bit having to be around the girls and deal with their fighting so much. They can't go an hour without fighting let alone a day.. ahh well most sister's fight and they are young... hopefully they will grow out of it.  I was planning on having my nails done but I guess that will have to wait. Hopefully I can squeeze it in Friday or something. The wedding starts too early for me to be able to run to town to get everything done in time. I'm glad it's going to be in the same town I'm living in and I'll very likely have a ride to it as i know someone that may be going and she loves any chance she can get to drive.


Here's a list of songs I've been listening to depending on my mood. Sometimes it's nice to listen to all of them in one sitting.

Hana Pestle- Need http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Op5BRZpXvHs
Sting- Desert Rose http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2AjsFzUQ1c&feat
Pop Evil- 100 in a 55 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bD5Cc-CQHV0
Assemblage 23- Lullaby http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvNdCcUuhn8&feature=related
Hypnogaja - Here Comes The Rain Again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-juDiDTYfw
Kelly Clarkson - Did You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSYf8ppOnJg&feature=related
Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snuIaORHh_0&feature=related
Seether- Careless Whisper- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFOgzIYlZik

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And so now that I've been able to get some things off my chest. I'm going to go listen to some of those songs and doze off to sleep First on my list is lullaby. It's just so... soothing.

Slainte

~M

Ever have a dream that's left you thinking about it the whole day, trying to work it out..etc? Well such is the case as this one...

This morning I had the strangest dream...  in the dream i was getting married but the groom didnt know about it lol... atleast i'm assuming he didnt as he didnt show up... it was supposed to take place at my grandma's who is my stepdad's mom. I was in my white dress, my relatives were bickering for some reason lol.. i dont know why... and i was waiting for my dad to show up as well, my SL friend Lion showed up and i was really happy to see him and i hugged him lol, he's the one who performed mine and jax's ceremony
I wanted to take a picture of some apple blossoms i spotted outside so i borrowed someone's camera. There used to be this garage next to my grandma's trailer and in the dream it was there. There were two completely different sides to it. One side was dark, and the woods looked dead... while the other side, there was the cherry blossoms, and it was just so beautiful...
well it suddenly started raining as I started to take a pic of the beautiful side and a wind picked up so it was hard for me. I was trying to snap pics but the button was hard to push despite it being a digital camera. So by the time i got a pic, most of the cherry blossoms had been blown off the branches. I did manage to grab a pic of one and i remember thinking how sad it was that i hadn't beeen quick enough to take a picture
There was another part to it where the garage suddenly openened up and there was a mother cat nursing her babies, i went past her, up the ramp and was heading out to the observation deck that was there but woke up before i could get there it's interesting and yet um...strange lol....  i LOVE cherry blossoms and used to talk to Balth about them all the time about how i'd love one in a backyard someday. He was in the dream too, strangely enough lmao though not sure was part he was supposed to be playing the blossoms were a light pink at first and then they were changed to white after the storm had hit. It was a fairly peaceful dream despite my not being able to find my missing groom lol and well it's been on my mind all day. I recorded it earlier so that I wouldn't forget when it came time to wanting to put it here in my journal.


Today was supposed to be my day to chill, take a day away from the computer and just enjoy reading a good book or two, watching Sabrina and Charmed (yes, reruns) and going outside to enjoy the beautiful weather when it suited me. Well I was enjoying all of that until early evening and then my calmness sort of became messed up..sighs... I suppose glancing outside, looking at the sky and watching a cloud cover the sky should have been an indication laughs... talk about ironic, but I try hard not to think too much about signs everywhere I turn or I'd probably drive myself crazy...crazier than I usually am that is... lol... j/k.

My cousin Jenny whose Tiffy's older sister called me earlier today and asked me what I was doing I told her I didnt know but that I have a few things planned. When she asked what, I told her that there were a few thinks in the works and that I'd have to see how they go which is true but telling her that most of it's computer based wouldn't have gotten me very far. So she kept on talking to me and well now she wants me to go out with her on thursday, she's going to be picking me up tomorrow and i really dont want either to happen... but i'm going along with it It's very rare for her to call and when she does, it's always because she wants something no matter how hard i tried to wiggle out of it nicely, it wasnt working and i wasnt going to be rude to her
lately those that arent considering my feelings and thoughts on the matter seem to be coming out of the woodwork on me and it's frustrating... i was planning on spending the day with a friend of mine or rather chatting and now i have to go cater to my cousin and my friend wont know about this until he gets on and he prob wont be on until early my morning
 i hate how much of my family treats me like a walking doormat and if i complain about it, i'm seen as the bitch which is just a bit of why i moved so far from fam is so that i wouldnt find myself in these sort of predicaments. i didnt have to worry about my dad trying to make me feel bad and do his bidding or have other family say stuff to make me feel bad enough to go along with it and put up a front like it's something that i actually want to do seems like just when the sun is coming out from the clouds, a cloud comes along to block it out
i'm sorry, i shouldnt be so pessimistic lmao... just annoyed... my tues was going so well lol
Well she just called me a bit ago, I shouldn't have picked up the darn phone lmao...  apparently i'm going to be footing most of the bill if not all of it lmao with us going out and apparently helping for gas so that we can go help get her hubby an outfit... she wants me to think of it as being her bday present even though her bday was last weekend...sighs not sure if she's meaning my footing the bill all the way to lacrosse plus in dells or not lol... why cant i just say no? I already feel like i'm being conived into spending way more money that I should have to. Ok that probably sounds petty but damnit all... it was her idea to do this and why should i have to pay for EVERYTHING? I know that i am nice ok sometimes too nice but I am trying hard to take this all in stride and work through it. I guess if worse came to worse and somehow I was stranded in the Dells, I could always get someone to come pick me up... i hope lol... ok i know that someone would.. just not sure who or how far out of the way it would be for them. I would rather wait until I have my own vehicle so I dont have to worry about that and if i get annoyed enough..  I can just get in my car and take off.. but now I'm going to be relying on them for transportation and just ughhh.... I just dont think it right for them to expect me to comply with footing the bill and if i say no then I'll seem like i'm being a party pooper or something.... I love my family, i really do... but just because i may not get out as much as i supposedly should be doing... doesnt mean that my thoughts and feelings on the matter of things shouldn't be considered. I'm 23 fricken years old. If i want to sit around the house because i dont have a car and just chill..then i should damn well be able to...

Well on a lighter note.. I've been reading these stories that Balth sent to me..talk about a riot... and well frankly they are all quite weird but a good weird..sort of lol... makes you wonder exactly how the heck all this stuff came up to be in stories. it's great for a laugh though... and you find yourself just enjoying reading the story and laughing even more as you try to imagine all that's told in the story. Am still reading it and hope that there will be more stories where they came from.

It's raining outside at the moment, a light rain that sound almost like sleet but didnt feel like it when i stuck my hand outside. I love it when it rains at night and i love waking up to it..well..when i'm in my own room and it's the only sound that i can hear... it's a great way to wake up and well... waking up with someone beside you of course and um..well... just going to leave that thought where it is because that's prob for the best lol. Am contemplating whether I want to get another Cola or stick to water... but since i'm not quite ready for bed yet, will prob go for the Cola. BTW Butter Pecan ice cream is soo good. I had some earlier... ate it quite fast actually and my tongue felt a bit um...frozen afterwards. I couldn't seem to stop eating it. Actually wanted Ben and Jerry's but well decided to resist buying it as it's more expensive and stuck to the Butter Pecan for the time being.

Ok now i'm off to get some caffeine and something for this headache, May update later...

Slainte

~M
P.S.- In the mood for some random quotes so here goes

Nick Mercer: Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close... your... eyes. You're safe. You can relax. I'm not going to kiss you. He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he'll realize what he lost.
Kat Ellis: Holy crap. You're worth every penny.
Nick Mercer: Well thank you for including me in this timeless feminine ritual. Here's to the husbands who've won you, the losers who've lost you, and the lucky bastards who've yet to meet you.
(the Wedding Date)- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0372532/quotes

---

William Parrish: Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived
Susan Parrish: Love, passion, obsession, all those things you told me to wait for, well, they've arrived. What are you afraid of, Dad? That I'll fall head over heels for Joe? Well, I have.

---

Seth: I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
Maggie: Something happened in my OR. And, I got this-this jolt - I got this feeling that there's something... bigger is out there. There's something bigger than me and bigger than you, and it- Does that sound crazy?
Maggie: Why do you wear the same clothes all the time? Why won't you give me your phone number? Are you married?
Seth: No.
Maggie: Are you homeless?
Seth: No.
Maggie: Are you a drummer?
Maggie Rice: I don't understand a God who would let us meet, if there's no way we could ever be together
(City of Angels)- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120632/quotes

---

Leopold: Well, let us proceed. Please raise your glasses so we may toast to my bride-to-be, the woman whose welfare and happiness shall be my solemn duty to maintain. The future Duchess of Albany...
[Kate catches his eye]
Leopold: Kate McKay. Of the McKays of...?
Kate: Massapequa.
Leopold: Massapequa.
Kate: I love you.
Leopold: I love you
Kate: People might think I'm brave, but I'm not.
Leopold: The brave are simply those with the clearest vision of what is before them - glory and danger alike and notwithstanding, go out to meet it.
Kate: And... it's a great thing to get what you want. It's a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted... because what you really wanted you couldn't imagine or you didn't think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew... like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn't have to take a poll and they loved you... but you hesitated and I... uh... I have to go... I'm sorry but... I have to go!
Kate: Why are you standing?
Leopold: I am accustomed to stand when a lady leaves the table.
[So, Charlie gets up]
Leopold: That thing is a damned hazard!
Kate: It's just a toaster!
Leopold: Well, insertion of bread into that so-called toaster produces no toast at all, merely warm bread! Inserting the bread twice produces charcoal. So, clearly, to make proper toast it requires one and a half insertions, which is something for which the apparatus doesn't begin to allow! One assumes that when the General of Electric built it, he might have tried using it. One assumes the General might take pride in his creations instead of just foisting them on an unsuspecting public.
Kate: You know something? Nobody gives a rat's ass that you have to push the toast down twice. You know why? Because everybody pushes their toast down twice!
Leopold: Not where I come from.
Kate: Oh, right. Where you come from, toast is the result of reflection and study!
Leopold: Ah yes, you mock me. But perhaps one day when you've awoken from a pleasant slumber to the scent of a warm brioche smothered in marmalade and fresh creamery butter, you'll understand that life is not solely composed of tasks, but tastes.
Kate: [mesmerized] Say that again.
Charlie: Don't you think it's time you told me who you are. I mean, don't get me wrong, doing the Duke thing with you 24/7 is a blast, but really. Who are you?
Leopold: [after a pause, simply] I'm the man that loves your sister.
Charlie: We have a saying in the McKay house: "You shake and shake the ketchup bottle, none will come, and then a lot'll."
(Kate and Leopold)- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0035423/quotes

---

 See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.
~Gretchen Kemp~
*There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.  ~Gandhi
"Though the ramblings and comical siren song may convey an air of carefree abandon, my intellect and ideas are deeper than the darkest abyss"
'Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.'

---

*There comes a time in every life we find the heart we're looking for.   ~Leanna Rimes
*Someday, someone will walk into your life, and then you'll realize why it never worked out with anyone else.  ~Unknown
*The best kind of love is that kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more; that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That's what you've given me and that's what I hope to give you forever.  ~The Notebook

*Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.    ~Unknown

 

*There are reasons we met, reasons for the good and bad times, and more importantly a reason to an end. We have more to learn, more to experience, and more loving left in this lifetime.    ~Unknown

 

*Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about. ~Unknown

 

*Before you give up, think of the reason you had been holding on for so long in the first place.   ~Unknown

 

*The only problem with searching for the truth is that sometimes you actually find it.    ~Unknown

 

*I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.  ~Notting Hill

 

*Forget all the reasons why something might not work, all you need is one reason why it will.   ~Unknown

---

I close my eyes and try to bring you here
The feel of my chair against my back
Becomes replaced with the feel of your body
And I lean back in to your chest
I wrap my arms around myself
And pretend that they are your arms
Holding me close, holding me tight
And I imagine your voice in my ear
Telling me you'll never let me go
I tip my head to the side
Imagining you brushing my hair away
To give you better access
To my overly sensitive neck
And I shiver at the feel of fingers
I bite my lip at the kiss
My neck has never even felt
I close my eyes and try to catch you
I feel your warmth surround me
As I pull my arms tighter around
And I curse this over active imagination
That can bring me so close to you
And leave me aching for your touch.

Author Unknown

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  Yesterday... was a very intense day... It didn't help that i was woken up early to the sound of the dogs barking and the door slamming to which I got up and went out to see what was going on. apparently there were a couple of people here to get the geese so i stood out there in case my help was needed. One of the geese stuck their head through the fencing and i jumped back in surprise, narrowly missing landing in the goose pool I thought about going back to bed but that wasnt going to happen. So i layed about, trying to relax with a book. I managed to read quite a bit of it but was annoyed by the phone ringing so much and my brother wanting my attention. I eventually gave up on it around 1:30 or so... I was restless and in a mood.. which should have warned me to stay away from SL until I had calmed down.. but i didnt and well... I havent been quite that upset in some time.. I had a fight with a friend which caused me to have three people upset with me due to some choice words I said and I felt like I was literally shoving my foot in my mouth and wondering who else I would accidently upset. It's frustrating that my heart can't seem to allow me to be just friends with certain people... and want to be with someone who can be with me back... I am going to give my friend a week.. maybe two to cool off and to give myself a chance to step back.. I dont want to lose the connection I have with him and I am trying hard to realize that we're meant to be friends... because it's easier on both of us in the long run and expecting there to be more on my side only causes more heartache. I dont understand why I can't be content with the person I'm with now.. who is sweet, considerate.. treats me great... is very understanding of the situation..etc... and i felt so bad when he commented about being sorry that he wasnt the one i wanted and sorry that i had to settle for him.. it just made me cry more and i didnt know how to respond to that... and i said to please not put it like that.

I was so upset over things yesterday to the point that I thought I was going to make myself sick.. I had that feeling like i was going to throw up but managed to tamp it down... I eventually went to lay down, listening to some music to try to calm myself... I found myself listening to assemblage 23's- lullaby . It is quite the soothing song if you listen to it. I had the window open as it was warm out and the breeze was blowing across my skin almost like a caress. The sun was shining upon my back and i felt the warmth of it. I was turned on my side, snuggled up with a couple of blankets and a couple of pillows. One pillow I have not been able to sleep without in the last year or so... it's a small pillow with camoflage on it that my dad gave me before my last trip down to north carolina so every night I seem to have to have it to sleep. I was distantly listening to the tv, my bro had on foster's imaginary something or other and next thing I knew, I was waking up with drool on my face and the dogs were barking like mad... I dont know how long I slept, apparently it wasnt that long as I logged back on and a friend made a comment about how I didnt sleep for long. I had the lullaby song stuck into my head so I found a link for it... and strangely.. it seemed to work for me... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvNdCcUuhn8&feature=related

Much of last night was a blur though I do know that I managed to calm down and even talked to my guy on skype until he was ready to head to bed. He's six hrs ahead so.. the time zones can be tricky.

Every once in a while I dream about Tiff, it's not very often and usually it's when i've been particularly upset and really wished that she was here. This sort of dream though is a first and it's left me unsettled. In the three years since she's died, she's never been upset with me...

I dreamed a series of dreams that managed to mesh all into one..well..sort of... so the dreams started out in a bar of some sort... I was hanging out with my dad and we were talking though not really sure what we were saying... and I dont recall having been in that particular bar and yet it seemed familiar in my dreams..anyways.. Dad left and I remember that it was dark outside, my car was sitting outside as well. I brought Mel into the bar, sitting her down at a table with a nonalcoholic drink of some sort as she's underage. I left her there with a few people, telling her that I was running back and forth trying to help set up for a wedding. I came back after I was done though I dont remember helping out with a wedding and told her that we were going to get going. We packed up and headed out to the car, it was raining and still dark out... actually it was more like... a mixture of rain and hail, i remember feeling the sting of the hail upon my skin. Next thing I know, I am parked outside in my car at someone's house during daylight and there's a party going on. Mel is sitting next to me in the seat, I glanced down to see a laptop on my lap and then glanced over in the back on the ride side to see Tiff sitting there. I was annoyed with someone and as a young guy walked past, I made a comment about him being a young punk. Tiff because angry at me for saying that, telling me that he wasnt a punk. She got out of the car and started to walk off. I got out of the car, calling after her to come back, saying I didnt really mean it and she kept on going. I tried to follow her but for some reason I couldn't. So I headed into the party to look for someone to help me out. I never did find someone to help me look for her and eventually I forgot that I was looking for her...

So I woke up with a massive headache, feeling like I wanted to cry but not a good happy cry at seeing her.. a sad cry that I'd made her angry enough to walk off. It's the first time in three years that i've dreamed she was pissed off at me... I woke up with a song in my head as well, which is still playing through my head- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uj62Fm2CZyQ

Maybe all this restlessness and heartache is a sign.. a sign that I need to get out, get my own place, find my own peace my own well... life... not that i dont have a life here but it's not the same. I'm 23 years old... I dont have a job, a car, my own place... and it's just crazy. I'm in constant chaos here and it's really starting to get to me. It would be nice though if my dad could accept me as me. He wastes so much energy on telling me that things that I should be doing that he forgets to really see me. I feel like i've been a constant disappointment, embarrassment and heartache in the last three years. I seem to dig myself deeper and deeper into holes... I find myself constantly questioning well..me and that's not good... It's like my dad who I love very much... sees me as someone I could be... but is forgetting to see me in the now... the good sides that is... i'm not my mom, i'm not him, i'm not my cousins, i'm not nana, i'm not any of the people that were before me nor am i any of the people around me now... I'm me... Megan... the little girl that was born on a balmy Labor day afternoon on Monday September 2, 1985 at 3:43 in the afternoon. I'm not like anyone else because I am not anyone else... I am a fully grown woman... and just because I dont appear to be actively searching for a job, friends..etc..doesnt mean that I dont want those things and I dont appreciate being made fun of that if I keep on going down this supposed path that I'm going to end up the 40 yr old virgin. I'm trying hard to have faith in myself... but it's hard when certain people dont have faith in me...

And so that concludes my thoughts for the time being... because i'm all written out for the moment and annoyed by the fact that I accidently erased my first thoughts by clicking on something on the side of the screen... i should have saved it..silly me.
Slainte

~Meg

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I've been meaning to write in here for some time, especially since my last fiasco with a guy I thought wanted more from me than just a relationship that was rp only. I'm not sure why I haven't written. I suppose the thing is, I start to think if I just log in and start to type that maybe the words will come as I've always been much better at typing something out to no one in particular than to an actual person but somehow just when I start to work out in my brain what I'm going to say when I get to typing it's like... I psych myself out or something happens in rp and I end up getting distracted by it or I tell someone a bit of what i'm feeling although lately it doesnt feel like i'm fully trying to get out what i'm meaning as i get worried about what the other person will think if i really tell them what i'm wanting to say. It's like... it gets trapped on the end of my tongue and I can't spit it out. I really am a piece of work sometimes... laughs..
So now that I've started this... I'm hoping to be able to finish this well.. not sure what it is but to maybe get out some things. It's funny..when you're with someone especially if it's new...it's easier to fool yourself atleast for a time that your ex's don't matter because you have this new person buffering it well..to an extent but at the same time in the back of your mind, you're so scared that this person is going to leave you and then you're going to be alone again and you don't want that. You sacrifice yourself so much to this person, are willing to put up with just about anything if only they would stay with you and you trick yourself into believing that you love them. But if you really love someone, shouldnt it be where you don't have to be so scared that it's all going to blow up in your face that you don't have to bend over backwards to try to please this person that they will love you for you, the good and bad and will try to reassure you that it's going to be ok and that you can relax? *sighs* well atleast that's what one can hope for... it's like... i keep on punishing myself without meaning to because somehow i think that what i've done in the past is catching up with me and that it's my punishment but at the same time it's like i've fought against it so much. And then one day, you just...give up on trying to find that person that completes you...after you've bawled until your eyes are puffy and blurry, until it feels like your soul is crying out to you saying...stop this...you can't continue to do this to yourself. And suddenly you feel as though you're crumbling and you ache so much in mind,body and soul... but to tell someone this, they'd just tell you that you're young, you'll get over it and to move on... those arent exactly the words someone wants to hear at that particular time lol. Mind you those are wise words but when you're upset, who wants to hear something like that?
But anyways, what started this prompting of this particular journal I must admit came from listening to some songs off someone's stream. I don't remember the songs strangely enough but it got me to thinking about things and I was questioning myself wondering why I couldn't bring myself to go to this club and I know very well why. When  I was with someone and I had that...buffer..seeing couples together, especially a particular pair was well... made me a bit nervous but I was able to wave it off and know that if it was upsetting that i could go talk to the guy I was with and even if i couldnt really say what was bothering me, hearing his voice and being with him made it easier. Well now that I'm not with anyone, the thought of going there.. it's just... I guess really I'm just not ready to see it.. I know i'm such a hypocrit but it just...hurts... not as much as it used to but to be faced with seeing many couples there are days when it's hard to sit there, smile and pretend that I dont mind seeing couples. Ok I dont mind seeing couples... i'm a romantic sap it's just... I can't explain it...just something in me... it's like it's brought to the light from time to time especially if i happen to hear some songs and i'm the one that ends up alone on the dance floor and I end up feeling well..awkward. Not even sure if any of that makes sense lol but it's sort of how my brain seems to work. I lately feel like a third wheel when around couples and i try hard not to intrude. Mind you if i'm told to sit down and relax for a bit, hard for me to refuse but there's a part of me that would like to...belong again.. i feel like an outsider many times and though my ex who is now a good friend of mine once told me that i was always welcome to the family i feel as though.. i'm not wanted there... i'm not invited to any of the gatherings but i suppose for most of them they realize how awkward it may be for me to be there and see my ex with his girlfriend and they dont want to upset me. I mean i think his girlfriend is awesome and I'm happy for them... they both deserve to be happy but at the same time... i just...arg... i cant explain it.. So basically sometimes it's easier if i stay away when it comes to certain parties and what not so as to not cause a scene if i happen to get upset and decide to get out of there fast... mind you this is all in sl so what's nice is most can't see your..facial reactions but at the same time depending upon the situation, it would be easier if they could. And my latest ex well *laughs* it irks the shit out of me that he gets to be seemingly so happy, that i'm so easily..forgotten after everything that happened. Or maybe just maybe the man really is that clueless... as considering what's happened i wouldnt really put it past him.
There were jokes happening in this chat i happened to be a part of yesterday and well i didnt know what rainbow or fletching or things like that was when it comes to sexual terms and well i was teased about it. About how I wasn't really vanilla persay more like.. i was water... and that struck a chord with me. It was like i was being teased all over again for not having experience in that dept and i blurted out that while i'm sure it's amusing to tease that that particular comment wasnt necessary. I talked to the person in a private chat and managed to explain why it affected me or rather i said that it was a sore spot due to some history but the fact of the matter is... i sometimes wonder if i ever will have experience...
But the point of the matter is, I've realized that i still have so much healing of myself to do than I thought, I dont know how or when i will come to that point but one day perhaps i will not feel so..troubled and weighed down.
And so that is the ramblings of my mind for the moment though i may be back to write more later and who knows, maybe all this writing will help me to heal..so to speak.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkqrZ4zoNes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KFopjaV8QM&feature=channel_page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp6ABjQNRj4&feature=channel_page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4A6Dvdb6KUU

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 Today is my dad's birthday. He's 45. He had to work which kind of sucks but he isnt that big on celebrating his birthday anyways.

Hmm what to say here. Well not a whole lot has changed since last i updated. Still living with my parents and havent been able to find a job but i'm tryin to be patient and hopefully the new grocery store they are building will actually be built and maybe just maybe, i can get a job there.

I've been experimenting just a bit with my art mostly through SL mind you as I've been at a few SL weddings lately. The FC Ceremony in Gor was really interesting as I have not been to one before. Since then, I have found myself trying my hand at roleplaying as a freewoman in Gor. My mom in Gor is the Head Slaver and my dad in Gor was the First Sword but now I'm not really sure what he is lol. It's partly boring, partly fun. I've  been captured twice and I suck at rping being captured btw lol. I panic and well then i end up goin to an im or something. But it's worked out and the second time, i was actually traded back for supplies because another gal was brought in and boy was she mean.

My stepaunt Mary got married last saturday to her long time boyfriend Gaylin, so i spent the night at Chels's house so that it would be easier to get up in the morning and go to another one of my step aunt(Beth)'s to get ready. I wore my sis's strapless purple gown, had make up done, nails and even had my hair straightened which took quite a bit. The ceremony took place about an hr from Chels's house. It was beautiful and i found myself getting a bit teary eyed though i did laugh at some of the things the minister said.

Afterwards was the reception. I helped set up the food and get things ready as there really wasnt anything set out. The dance was to start at 8 because that was when the dj was expected to be in though the bride and groom didnt show up until 7pm lol. but most everyone managed to eat during the hour and get their toasts in and what not. Though the lil bells set up around the table drove most everyone a bit batty. The kids thought it funny to ring them as much as possible. That is one accessory that if it's going to be used, should just be at the head table lol. 

Had a blast dancing around and even the bride and groom joined in. I danced for almost 4 hours straight lol. I even literally hopped around to a song. There was the chicken dance, the chacha, macarena, choo choo train song and a few others. I wasnt as shy getting out there to dance as i normally am. I even semi karaoked with chels's sis- brit. The dollar dance was quite fun. I payed $1 to dance with the groom, he was spining me around and just being so goofy that i couldnt help but laugh. There were a couple of slow dances where i stepped outside because well i didnt have someone to dance with and i needed a break anyways. Gaylin was so funny. He pretended to talk like the male gigolo from that movie Deuce Bigalo. I couldnt help but laugh. There were a couple of girls across the street with a dog watching him. He turned to them and was saying something about a pooch. We were all laughin pretty hard. I should have had a video camera to record it because it was just priceless. Overall i think it went quite well and i was glad that i was invited. I was all hyped up and couldnt sleep on the way  back to chels's. Brit was nice enough to rub my poor aching feet. I was sore all over for a few days. I actually waddled lol which was kind of entertaining. I always do love hanging around chelsea and her parents, especially when steph is around. we just chill and have girl time, kind of rat on the boys and just have some good old fun. sometimes that's what i need, to just get away for a little bit even if it doesnt help me solve anything, just being able to get away to spend time around chels.

Started talking to a friend(C) again that well i wasnt on the best of terms with. Well he was my boyfriend though i did some things that nearly destroyed everything we had worked so hard towards. Not sure where it may lead but i am relieved that we didnt give up so easily on our friendship though mind you i have not been the best friend to this person and for that i'm sorry and hopefully i can show in the future that i've learned my lesson and that i truly want us to have our friendship back to similar what it used to be only better.

I've update a few deviant art pictures. Some of them I am debating on whether to delete or not. There's a picture that i do need to add back after my friend found it for me again. I nearly cried lol. I'm working on a few things here and there, still in need of a wrecked ship for one picture but havent found the one i am looking for. I lost a cd to some of the things i was workin on so hopefully it is about somewhere's. Lots of ideas in my head but not really sure where to focus them.

Been sick with some sort of.. something since Thursday. Not really sure what it is. Been waking up in the middle of the night with horrible stomach cramps and when i would come back from the bathroom, i would curl up and start shivering badly. Wasnt able to eat at all yesterday but i did drink some Strawberry propel water.Woke up this morning and i was still feeing a bit off, got up for a few hours then was feeling woozy and tired so layed down for a three hour nap. That seemed to help a bit. Was able to eat a couple of italian sausages as my stepdad said it would be best to try to eat something. i felt a bit odd after the second one but so far so good. Also had a pina colada popsicle. actually choked on a piece because i went to swallow and forgot i had some in my mouth. Dont ask how that came about because i dont really know. My mum looked it up and she thinks that it's mild food poisoning. so i've mainly just been drinking the strawberry water to flush my system and so that i dont get dehydrated.

Been having an increase in migraines as well. Sometimes i end up having to take some tylenol pm so that i can lay down and just rest. i dont like taking a lot of medicine but seeing as i have a pretty low tolerance for pain, i do try to hold out as much as i can.

Other than that, not much has really been happening. Though currently i am working on trying to traslate a sentence from irish gaelic to english, it is harder than it looks, so far i have but a few words but i guess i'll see where it goes. There really isnt much for translating online with kind of sucks lol.

So that is what has been happening in my life lately. Not sure when next i may update but thought it a good idea to update as it has been a while.

Slainte

~M

Last night i had a bit of a reprieve from things. I was in rp with a friend and it was nice to remember what it was like to feel like that all the time.  i wonder if i will have that again someday...
It has been another one of those rough days.
I woke up feelin sad from a dream that had to deal with rings and it had me thinking of C. I layed there for about 15 min before i could rouse myself to get out of bed. No matter what i do, the memories of what i had with C haunt me... i loved him so very much..more than i told him. The pictures, the things we said, his voice, the looks he would give me... they run through my brain and i cannot seem to get them to stop. i see parents on cartoons and i'm reminded of him. i see certain faces or certain places and i'm reminded of him and i. my mind and body are exhausted from the memories that refuse to go away.
I should have showered and changed my clothes and did those basic little things but these days, it is hard to even do that. I dont eat a lot because i tend to feel like i'm goin to throw up when i try to eat something. Sometimes i manage to keep the nausea at bay long enough to eat something. I have yet to get sick but i try to be careful not to get to the point where i end up gettin sick.
Amazing how when ur hurting inside, doing even the most basic things can be so hard because you just want all the pain to go away but it doesnt...it's there in almost every breath you take.
I am usually able to push the pain back to the point where i can be almost numb and that is a blessing. I even welcomed the pain that came from pulling my hair back a bit too tightly for it is hard to concentrate on anything else when you have a migraine roaring its ugly head. 
I try to get myself to the point where i dont think that far ahead in the future. Because if i do think that far ahead, it will drive myself crazy with those thoughts. One does not know how truly lonely one can be until you are with someone and then something happens where you are not able to bei with that person. Those that havent experienced that are blessed in a sense of not knowing just how lonely it can be. 
I had convinced myself that i had managed to push that pain back atleast for today. I was so confident that i would not have to deal with the pain until tomorrow. How very wrong i was. Today i was to go job hunting though i am not anxious to get a job. I hate having to start all over only this time, i am truly starting all over. I do not know where i am goin to live, what job i will get, when i will be happy again, when i can wake up and not be sad. I do not know any of these things. I try to be neither hopeful nor discouraging... i am just trying my best to exist right now. 
I came back from Tomah, completely spent and exhausted. The migraine was ripping through me and i was exhausted from keepin the pain of it and other things at bay. i did not really want to sleep but my body had other plans. So i layed down and hope for a peaceful slumber. I do not know what i dreamed of but when i woke up, my chest and mind hurt even more than when i had woken up this morning. it quite literally stole my breath away and all i could do was lay there and hope for the strength to eventually pull myself out of bed. i think i layed there about an hr before i could muster the strength to get up.
I sat at the computer, and welcomed the headache that was consuming me. i decided to forgo goin on to second life atleast until i was able to push some of the pain in my heart at bay. i read some fanfictions for they usually bring me comfort and they did this time though at times, it is painful to read some of them.. 
i think that if i cried, it might relieve some of the pain but i cannot bring myself to cry for whatever reason. i have taken to scrubbing my face with my hands and just remembering to breathe. it is not the end of the world what i am goin through.. it is just more than my body and mind can fully deal with right now. i can still smile, nod and laugh but rarely do i actually feel the laughter. 
I am not sure if i am aptly describing how i have been feeling but i think to atleast talk this much about it is a start in a direction. My mind, body and soul are tired, aching and wanting a rest that doesnt seem to want to come. i sleep a dreamless sleep either when i take somethin to get me to sleep or when i have been sleeping restlessly enough that my mind just shuts off and gives my body a chance to just relax. I do so miss those pleasant dreams i used to have and waking up happy, to know that my love is just a mouse click away and all i have to do is just log on and leave a sweet message and to receive a sweet message in return. that feeling of...belongin and knowin that though the rest of the world may go to hell, that i would have atleast one person to count on no matter what. to have the guy completely in love with me and for me to be into him just as much, seein only him as the rest of the world disappears. well i gave that up and i guess this is my due. 
P00760:how are u ?2 day ?
Meg:
i'm ok, i woke up from a nap with my chest or rather my heart really hurtin me but now i seem to be back to bein blessedly numb lol
P00760:ohhhhh megy please  u have 2 take care about ur helth
Meg:i know but it is hard when my heart hurts me so....
P00760:u have 2 take a big rest and sleep well ohhhh my cute girl how are u now ?
Meg:i do rest but i wake up sad
P00760:just take care beath well    Hbebty
breath *
Meg:i am tryin to but it is hard... i am very..vulnerable when i first wake up
P00760:ohhh   sweety
Meg:i'm so tired wakin up sad... but i cant seem to help it...
P00760:i really feel that i need 2 hug u wormly
what do u think why ur heart hurts u ?
Meg: because of my dreams... they remind me of the person i love... and what i once had with him and probably wont have again and it hurts to know that i cant go back and undo the mistakes i made with him
that my takin a chance with another guy... would leave me so alone and unsure of where to proceed next in my life
P00760:please my sweet baby
u have 2 stop this feeling
really u have 2 think about it seruosly
it was his mistake
not yours
u have 2 understand that
Meg: i know that.... i know that the guy leavin me was his mistake... and my friends believe he left me so fast because she slept with a woman and got her pregnant and it hurts to be...discarded so...easily and coldly
but the person i love didnt leave me.... i just got lost and i did not see the hand he was holdin 
out to help find me... and when i did see it...it was too late
P00760: so ..... now ur sufring
and u don't know who u did that mistakes
with him
and evry thing
right
ok
now he's with another woman
ok
he's doing sex with her going out have fun evrything
and if he think about Megy
yes... he gets the life he always wanted and i am left in the dust...
wishin that i had never taken him over the man who truly had my best interests at heart
megy please
u did right thing with him before
and he did a big mistake with u
now ur feeling that u
made him 2 leve u
all that are ok
but
for when ?
when will you stop this
Meg:i dont know.... 
P00760:and leave the past
u have 2 know
Meg:when it doesnt hurt so much to wake up in the morning....
P00760:coz ur thinking with wrong way
if u think with right way
u will make ur self
understand
Meg:i cannot stop what i dream about lol
P00760:that ur in right side and u have 2 start now life
Meg:what i did, i thought was for the best, i realize that
it frustrates me though that the person i risked so much for gave me up so easily....
ok can u tell me what do u want 2 do for all of that ?
Meg:i dont know... i cant do anything... just wonder if he realizes just how much he hurt me and feels bad about it.. i wont ever know
i dont hate him
P00760:ok do u have his e-mail ?
?
Meg:no, i deleted him off my email
i only have his myspace
P00760:ok
send a message 4 him
not 2 ask him mersy
just tell him what u want 2 tell
any thing make u have good feel
Meg:i wont do any good lol
it* and besides, all he has to do is read my journals to know just the kind of shit i've been through
P00760:no tell him that he was in wrong side
and any thing
he knows he was wrong
tell him i still love u coz iam better than u
ok
we want 2 leave all that in past
right
he was wrong
he was not deserve ur love
u was in right side
he left u
so ...
Meg:i know...everything i felt was real.... and it's his loss, i know that
P00760:the God protect u from him 2 safe ur life
u have 2 be happy with that
u know him in his real face
emagen if he does not left u
and he still with u
some day u will do sex 2gether
may be he will tell u
i ll marry u and evrything
and have sex with u
just he's taking what he want
emagen sudenly
he will tell u ok megy i can't be with u any more
bye
emgen if that happend
what will u do ?
what will u feel
Meg:i dont know he told me that he couldnt be with me unless he won the lottery or died
P00760:the God protect u from him in perfect time
so
what's his name ?
???? u 4 got it ?
lol no hard to forget his name
lol
what's j=his name ?
D
so D bye ur from from my past
i have my new life
megy u have evrything that any girl wish 2 have
u will finde another love
trust me
Meg:i would not go back to him if he asked me to lol
P00760:lol
i know
but i want u 2 for got him and put him out of ur mind
think about Brad Bit, Tom Crous, shone conry think about them u will dream nice one
lol
Meg:lmao they are a bit..old for me
P00760:ok think about me u will got a ...................... dream
u ll be shake when u wake up
lol
i was in love megy
same ur love
she was in Iraq
and iam here in Qatar
i know her from the net
then mobile phone
for 3 years
we were in love
but at last
she got another one
it was really really hard
but now
iam asking the God 2 make she happy
what can we do
we cannot do much
and may be some time i ll find a girl who can save my love
Meg:just forgive those that have hurt us and believe that God has someone better for us out there..
P00760:yes
oh Megy it's hurt
right ?
Meg:yes it hurts a lot...

Perhaps i will continue this journal later or start a new one, i'm not sure right now. i just know i have run out of ways to describe how i'm feeling right now. i just hope this numbness lasts me quite a while.
 

 I woke up this morning but i didnt even want to get out of bed. I dont have anyone anxious to see me pop online and i dont have any hosting to do. But i couldnt seem to get myself to go back to sleep and having pokemon come on didnt help because there was a certain name in there that is C's girlfriend. It's a good thing that Pokemon isn't a favorite of mine lmao.

So i lay there this morning, willing myself to go back to sleep and willing the pain to go away. So many thoughts ran through my head of what was and what could have been had i only well.... been more patient. I know, i'm torturing myself and i shouldnt but someone should tell my heart that.

Since i've been betrayed, i've become a lot quieter and sadder. More prone to being down in the dumps then being happy. I dont know where to go from here nor how i am ever going to get past this. I range from being so sad to being numb.

I heard from D/S earlier this month. I meant to post a journal about it but i havent felt like doing much of anything. I guess I should continue to keep his nam anonymous but it doesnt matter anymore. I dont mean anything to him and i doubt he will read this. Even if he does... i guess it wont matter because he said all he was goin to say.

[7:26]  Caryna Ballinger: it's catri lol
[7:29]  Caryna Ballinger: i've got that darn flu that's been goin around
[7:31]  S: I remember. awww, stay away from chickens then.
[7:31]  Caryna Ballinger: lol we have geese here, not chickens
[7:33]  Caryna Ballinger: balth has a girlfriend now...
[7:37]  S: mmm, think you told me that about a month ago.   Well that was bound to happen soon enough.
[7:37]  Caryna Ballinger: yes that's true... not sure what to think about that
[7:40]  Caryna Ballinger: this flu is kickin my ass but i cant seem to sleep for long...
[7:40]  Caryna Ballinger: my stomach is in such knots right now
[7:46]  Caryna Ballinger: what's happened to us?
[7:56]  S: My priorities changed, I have a son to take care of and Allys pregnantwith her ex's baby, I'm barely making enough money to keep us afloat and getting fired on Monday  really hasn't helped.  I just can't deal with anything else right now...
[7:56]  Caryna Ballinger: so i'm just left hangin in the balance?
[7:57]  Caryna Ballinger: u made so many promises to me david... and now i have nothing
[7:58]  S: Life changes, we change with it.  I'm accepting my responsibilities whatever the cost.
[7:59]  Caryna Ballinger: her second child is not ur responsibility
[8:00]  S: He will be, I will be put down as the father which I have agreed upon with her and her mom.
[8:00]  Caryna Ballinger: u made me believe so much and it doesnt mean crap to u
[8:01]  S: Well I accept that but its easy for you to say that being over there.
[8:02]  Caryna Ballinger: do u think ANY of this is easy for me?
[8:02]  Caryna Ballinger: well it's NOT
[8:03]  S: ok well there's nothing I can say or do.
[8:03]  Caryna Ballinger: there is but u wont do it because i'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR U
[8:03]  S: like what?
[8:04]  Caryna Ballinger: oh gee let's see? realize that u cant take on everyone else's problems?
[8:04]  Caryna Ballinger: yes u deserve to see ur child
[8:04]  Caryna Ballinger: i should have known the moment u moved in with her...that what we had wasnt good enough
[8:04]  S: I've only taken on my familys and Allys.  Everyone else is on the sidelines...
[8:05]  Caryna Ballinger: u were supposed to be my partner david...
[8:05]  Caryna Ballinger: u PRMOMISED me
[8:05]  Caryna Ballinger: and u broke it
[8:05]  S: things change
[8:05]  Caryna Ballinger: lmao yea u can say that
[8:05]  Caryna Ballinger: ur all the way over there
[8:06]  S: exactly but not going to get into an argument over it.
[8:09]  Caryna Ballinger: i hope she knows how lucky she is
[8:10]  S: She ain't my partner, just the mother of my child and an old friend.
[8:10]  Caryna Ballinger: yes but ur still takin care of her
[8:10]  Caryna Ballinger: and one day u may be with her
[8:10]  Caryna Ballinger: and i wil..fade into the distance as i always have
[8:14]  S: I'm taking care of my responsibilities, if she wanted too, she could run me through the courts and get support that way. But the chances of her and I being together rofl, mmm no.
[8:14]  Caryna Ballinger: then what about us?
[8:15]  S: Us ain't gonna happen.  Unless I win the lottery or die.  Whichever comes first
[8:16]  Caryna Ballinger: if u died we still woulndt happen because u would be gone for good
[8:17]  Caryna Ballinger: http://irishfairylass.livejournal.com/
[8:18]  Caryna Ballinger: good bye david.. i will always care for u and i wish u the best...

  I guess i could have said more to him but it wouldnt have really matter. His cold disregard for me left me without words. I told C about the whole incident and this is what i wrote to him:
I wish david wouldnt have come back into my life back in Dec. I guess it doesnt matter anymore... it cant change the past.. i got upset over a man who threw me over the side of a boat into waters infested with sharks without even a thought of how i would survive. and here i sit..crying, sick from the flu and hurtin so much. he helped ruin my life... and now i dont know what to do. i wrote in my journal a couple of days ago. i suppose i should write in it now..but i just cant fathom the energy. i guess i'm not good enough for anyone.. i have my answer- he doesnt want me... i guess i should have known that the moment he got so weird back in january. i guess this is my punishment for hurtin u and whoever else i might have accidently hurt. i cant even show him half the pain he has caused me. all those promises...words..didnt mean jack shit. my heart is broken even more and he cant even say sorry... i dissolved the partnership between caryna and sariel. so i guess he is free to do as he pleases. he has his family that he always wanted. i guess i dont appear to have good enough genes to have his kids lmao. he said i was his soulmate at one point..why the FUCK did he say that if he was just gonna let go so easily just because his "friend" needed a daddy for her kid?

I dont hate D/S. I probably could if i tried but eh too much energy and i am not one to hate easily.
[9:53]  M: may I make a point, from one friend to another who has been through this?
[9:53]  M: (meaning long distance relationship ingame where I was in love IRL)
[9:53]  Catriona Fitzgerald: sure
[9:54]  M: honee, he is not telling you the whole truth, but he also knows that you aren't going to end up on his doorstep and find out the truth
[9:54]  Catriona Fitzgerald: lol d/s or c?
[9:55]  Mi: 1) I think the baby is his, but he can't admit to you that he had sex with her...  even if the baby's sibling is his birth kid, he would not just move in with his ex, give the new child a name, and plan on being with her for a long time, if there was not some comensation involved
[9:55]  M: talking about D/S/
[9:56]  M: errr -/
[9:56]  Catriona Fitzgerald: oooh ok
[9:56]  M: I think his reaction to you, and how he put it to you, shows that he is completely over you, and he doesn't really care
[9:57]  M: I would give completely up on him, because he is affecting you...  truly, even a number of us who are not completely in the loop have noticed
[9:57]  M: we all love you, sweetheart, we want our Catri back
[9:58]  M: I know that alot of D/S and C have affected you, but sweetie, you are still in there...  and in order to find that person again, you need to start surrounding yourself with positive... with love....  with support... with true friendship
[10:02]  Catriona Fitzgerald: i guess i havent really allowed myself deal with d/s betrayin me and while part of me knows deep down that c is my friend... i'm not sure how to get back to that... i dont know how to find me again... and i miss the old me as well...all this bad stuff has been happenin and i feel so alone a lot of the time...
[10:06]  M: here is what I would suggest...  stop talking to D/S...  he has moved on, he has his family, and the American girl with the broken heart means nothing to him.  (I love you, I am not trying to be mean, just saying it from his angle).  Spend time with some friends on here, when you have the time to.  Do some shifts, have family snuggle you.
[10:08]  Catriona Fitzgerald: ok :) i took him off my profile after the convo, i guess what i need to do now is take him out of everything- rl and sl
[10:08]  Catriona Fitzgerald: i've done it before
[10:09]  Catriona Fitzgerald: i should have stuck to it lmao
[10:09]  Morgana Shi: it is the best thing for you, sweetheart
[10:09]  M: honee, you are not in a good place right now... you need to start working at getting yourself out of there, before you get sucked in deeper
[10:10]  Catriona Fitzgerald: i know... i'm just not sure how...
[10:10]  M: one moment at a time...  one step at a time
[10:10]  M: one friend at a time
[10:10]  M: reach out, ask to spend time with friends

I've been away from the computer for about a week. It was a combo of helping my dad out, being sick with the flu and being heartsick. I didnt eat much this week and my sleeping was sporadic. I just couldnt bring myself to eat much.  I dont have much of an appetite these days and usually when i do eat something, i feel like i want to throw it up.  What i am able to keep inside well that doesnt last for very long. i think it's a combo of the flu and being heartsick. 

All week i was reminded of C. No matter how i would try to stop the thoughts, they would come back at me. I heard a song being played on the t.v. though i dont remember it, i ended up crying myself to sleep because it made me feel so sad. Dad and i watched his friends' two boys twice this week and both were very hard. The one little boy reminded me so much of C with his love for math and his mischieviousness. I had to fight back the tears that tried to come. When i wasnt helping my dad out, i spent time laying on the couch, tryin to nap so as to get some temporary relief. it was hard sleeping at night. I would wake up suddenly with dreams of C stuck in my head. I wanted to sit there and cry but the tears wouldnt come. I prefer the numbness to the pain because then i can atleast not feel so.... i dunno what.
I had no idea just how much he meant to me. how his strength, support, silliness and other things kept me grounded. i felt it was ok to cry, to be happy, to be...whomever i chose to be. And now i dont know who or what i am. i miss him so much even though i talk to him just about everyday online. i miss the closeness we once had, the...feeling of being comfortable. i miss his voice, i miss..... him so very much. I wrote something about him in my sl profile last night. it came to me suddenly and i just had to write it down.

Every little girl wishes for a prince charming to come along and sweep her off her feet. It's the stuff made of fairytales and most do not get that chance.
Well i was given that chance. He's brave, funny, lovable, sweet, so many great things and yet so human. He brought me out of a darkness i did not know i was in.
Then someone came along and i became confused, believing that this person could be the right one.  Little did i know that he was just a frog hiding in a prince's body who would leave at the first hint of things getting tough.
And yet prince charming still stayed. Despite the pain i caused him.. he offered me a chance to find that light again with him. I took that offered hand too late.
I have loved him from the moment i saw him but lost him with one stupid mistake. I will always love him and no one can take that from me nor the memories, hopes and dreams we shared. I dont love him, I'm in love with him.
I've been 4given but need to 4give myself. If i could, i'd undo that mistake.

So yes, he's forgiven me for the pain i caused him but it doesnt disguise the fact that i hurt him, that i am sooooo sorry for it. that i've gotten down on my hands and knees and prayed for forgiveness from him, from God, from myself.

I'm not sure what to say now...it all just hurts so much. I want him back though i know i dont deserve to have him and i dont know if i'll get the chance to have him back.
I'm so scared of the future.. i dont know what i'm goin to do, where i'm goin to get a job... if i'm goin to find love again.. i really dont know anything. maybe i was meant to be alone... i dont know.

 Well my dad is back in town. I didnt even know he was coming until he showed up last night. I had an incident with C. He accidently sent me an IM meant for his girlfriend. I still have feelings for this person and when he sent me that, i started to cry. it hurt so much to realize that he once said i love u to me and now it is for her. I told a friend about it and his comment struck home because though it hurt, it is true "mmm another incident with C, that sucks. It is very hard to stay friends with an ex, sorry. And i thought you already knew that you are not what he wanted for a gf. If you were he would be with you, right? So out of self preservation you really need to accept it is over. " It hurts to realize that i am not wanted in that way because at one time.. i was. At one time i was wanted by two men that mean so very much to me. And now, neither of them seems to want me and it hurts.. it hurts a lot.  I dont want to lose either of them.  I dont know how to separate my feelings. To be happy for them even though i am miserable. I dont want to say goodbye to either of them though i have been advised to. People just dont understand what i'm dealin with. 
 
So my dad asked if i wanted to go out for a bite to eat and he said he thought it might cheer me up. I was all for it and was ready shortly. We stopped by a friend's house who now owns a group home business. This woman i love to death and she is an absolute sweetheart. She may only be 4ft10 but she knows how to run a tight ship when need be and knows how to have fun. She raised 4 girls practically by herself and they are all pretty cool, down to earth young women. Well anyways, i was so happy to see her as i always am and i felt right at home. She offered me a glass of wine which i accepted. Drinking it brought back the summer of 06, fall and winter when i would hang out at her house, sipping wine with her, relaxing and grieving together over the loss of tiff. they were sweet memories and i basked in them for a time, remembering how different things and i was back then. i went up the stairs to say hello to her husband and her daughter. it was nice to see them as well. their dog buster followed me around and demanded attention lol. we didnt stay long as we were to meet up with a friend of dad's at the bar. i was a bit sad to go but i will return someday since she lives not far from me. 
 
well we met his friend at the bar and he was nice. i guess he is an artist and musician and he looks similar to my uncle that he could be related. so i thought of him as a quiet if somewhat absent minded honorary uncle. i drank two seagrams' cherry fizzy's and one glass of a cherrydrpepsi (pepsi with cherry flavored Dr. McGillicudy's liquor- not sure if cherrydrpepsi is the actual name of the drink, i didnt pay much attention, i just figured that since it had cherry and pepsi in it, i would give it a shot). They were all quite tasty and i was tempted to have another fizzy but the boneless buffalo wings i had sampled were kind of messin with me. I had their famous house burger and a batch of breaded olives. It was all quite tasty and i was feeling quite sleepy. I was still feeling down about the earlier incident and everytime someone mentioned Scotch, i wanted to cry but i was doing ok otherwise. i talked to the bartender about various stuff because she had actually been a few years ahead of me in school. we talked about her kids and other things. she suggested the cherrydrpepsi. She seemed to be flirting with my dad's friend which was kind of amusing and my dad's friend was tryin to flirt back. He did say something that had me laughing though i dont remember what. i sat there most of the time, lost in my own thoughts. i felt like a bit of a tagalong which was out i felt when i used to go out with dad and his friends. i didnt have much to contribute to the convo since they were talkin about cars and various other stuff that i dont have much knowledge on. it was a weird deja vu being in that situation because i've been in it before. i didnt mind too much though because i wasnt really in a mood to talk much anyways.

we got goin around 10:15 so i was back at the house by 10:30 or so. dad sat there and talked to me about the C incident. He told me that i really shouldnt be crying over it. That i hadnt met him, nor had i touched skin so how could i know if my feelings were real. He said to wait until i actually touched someone before i got upset over someone on the other side of a computer screen. He had a good point though i didnt entirely agree with him. I chose not to say much though and just nodded my head. that happens a lot with him... i cant seem to stand my ground when it counts or when i do, i'm told how childish or disrespectful i am being. But i guess that is a parent for u. While some things have changed with my dad being away on his trip, some other stuff hasnt changed a bit. I love him and i missed him dearly but i hope that he may change his ways over time or that i will eventually get a backbone and stand up to not only him but others. i'm glad i went out with him though and it was nice to have a few drinks and being around that which is familiar.

G/D (i dont remember what name i used for him in my last journal lol) logged on early this morning. I was buzzing from going out for drinks with my dad and i was exhausted due to not gettin that much sleep yesterday. My plan was to go to sleep when i got back from visitin with my dad but i logged on to SL to pay the host and dj after winning an event earlier because my dad had shown up suddenly and i didnt have time to pay them. Well i ended up stayin through the rest of the events. The event was a lot of fun. I was pretty random and at times a bit coarse due to the fact that i was  buzzin and in the mood to be cheeky. Well the people didnt seem to mind so i guess it was ok. In fact i think some had more fun readin what next would come out of my mouth. Well i was tired and was goin to go to bed but then my grams(on sl she is related to me lol)  im'd me to mention about the fact that i had said i would cover for slingo. I tried to get someone to cover both hours but no one seemed to want to. So i arrived late and spent most of my time, fightin off sleep. Hour 2 into the game, someone showed up who was willin to relieve me. Which i was soooo grateful for. Just as i went to log off G/D logged on... I sat there, shaking so badly i thought i  wasnt goin to stop. I tried to stop it but my body wouldnt cooperate. I havent talked to him in 3 weeks and i believed that i wouldnt talk to him again anytime soon. Well i should have just logged off but dummy me believed that he would want to talk with me. He kept on logging on an off and well..here is the convo - (the clock is 2 hrs behind central time)
[2008/03/09 23:54] Me: hello
[2008/03/09 23:56]  Me: ok i dont talk to u for 3 wks and u cant even say hello when u pop on lol.
[2008/03/09 23:58]  Me sighs - we REALLY need to talk..we cant just...leave things like this... so drop me an email sometime or something. i'm exhausted, i have to get to bed, my rl dad is back so goin to spend time with him tomorrow so i guess i will talk to u..whenever
[2008/03/10 0:02]  Me: u came back on lol
[2008/03/10 0:03]  Me: DAMNIT G/D... dont just... run away and leave things as they are. TALK to me or doesnt what we had mean anything to u? i gotta go, i'm exhausted and i cant stop shakin
[2008/03/10 7:19]  : (Saved Mon Mar 10 02:10:01 2008) G/D: Possibly because I'm having urrrr having logon problems?
[2008/03/10 7:21]  Me: 3 weeks without a word and that's all u have to say? *sighs* well i guess i will talk to u when u next log on

*bangs head on desk in frustration* if that isnt pathetic.. i dont know what is. I gave soooo much of myself to that man and he didnt even have the decency to say sorry? I know i am not filet mignon when it comes to being the prime meat but i still deserve more than that. I am a Goddess in my own right and i deserve to be treated as such. No i shouldnt come above everything but i dont deserve to be last on the list. the proof is right there in front of my face, it's probably been there all along. While i have a glimpse of it.. i dont have an actual clear picture. I i can see his and my relationship has pretty much crumbled and yet there is a hope inside of me that somewhere's, there is a reason why he has gone mental on me (brit speak that means a bit crazy). ironic how i didnt get to say goodbye to tiffy and it would seem that i cant bring myself to say goodby to my relationship with G/D. Eventually i will move on and perhaps i will even find a man who treats me decently and brings out that spark in me that i need in order to want to be with a guy. I am picky when it comes to such things which is probably why i am alone right now but i guess there is a reason for that too that i cant see. i know in my heart that i shouldnt settle for anything less than i deserve and yet i find myself pining over a man that dropped me like a sack of potatoes shortly after he moved in with an old flame. i was so fucking stupid to think that i would mean as much to him as he said i did. if he honestly cared about me... he wouldnt have strung me along and let me think that his being distant meant he was just workin a lot. i know i can be naive but i'm not stupid. and i dont appreciate being treated as the easily discarded girlfriend that will be picked up if things dont work out between whatever gal he may be with now. And yet... i cant forget the look in his eyes and his change of voice when i said i loved him. it was something that i prayed would never fade. i scared me to care that much for a guy and yet i couldnt seem to help myself. i fell deeper than i realized at the time and i am not sure how to find that latter and climb my way out.

A plus side to today is some books that i am goin to read. I have been obsessed with reading excerpts about books on Sherrilyn Kenyon's website. She goes by Kinley MacGregor when she writes certain novels. I have been intrigued by her since happening upon a book by her when i was at the library on base back in NC shortly before i left to come back to WI. The book was called The Dream-Hunter. The moment i saw the guy on the book, he pierced me with those captivating eerily blue eyes, god- like face and that hair as black as onyx. I really wanted to take the book back with me to read but i was not sure when i might be able to get it back. There is no late fee due to the fact that many soldiers borrow books and take them with me when they are shipped out. You just return it when u come back or are able to ship it back. But i thought it best to just leave it and write down the name. Well as usual, i lost the bit of paper and couldnt remember the name. I am subscribed to an Eharlequin newsletter (yes i used to get books in the mail from Harlequin and am an avid reader of them when i can afford to buy them) so i was lookin on there because i was bored and i came across Sherri's name. I clicked on it because it seemed vaguely familiar. Lo and behold, it was the very same person that i had been lookin for. So since then, i have been hooked to the site. She has written a lot of books and she is workin on even more as i type this. I hope to read them all though with a couple of library cards that arent that good anymore and no job to support my reading habit, i have to be patient and hope that i will figure something out. Well my sis was walkin by as i was lookin at an excerpt. To my surprise, she told me that she actually had a couple of books that she had picked up at the Goodwill. They are the last 2 parts of a 3 part series but hey, atleast i have a couple of books that i can read of hers. I am excited to get started on them and will probably read them today and possibly tomorrow. 
I am goin to be away for the night and probably most of tomorrow to meet a few of my dad's friends and to help him out with something. 

There are a lot of things that i need to change in my life. I dont know how i'm goin to change them but i will figure it out i guess. i dont know where my path is goin to take me or who i may meet along the way. I am looking forward to the people i may meet and the places i may see. I dont know when i am goin to get the money to follow my dreams but somehow, someway i will do it. I pray that i will find a job soon and though i am at the way station so to speak, soon i will be back on the highway, heading to my next destination in life. 

if i'm meant to stay in contact with those i hold dear to me right now, it will be figured out. but i will need help and i hope that those people wont expect me to keep up my end of things and they dont. it's a two way street and it wont work if i dont have help. u know who u are and to those that arent willin to try to reach me as i reach out to u, i am sorry to hear that and i wish that ur path will be a smoothe one. just because i may lose contact, does not mean u mean any less to me. it just means that circumstances are out of my hand. i dont have my own laptop or computer or even my own phone to keep in contact, so until i can get on my feet, there will be points where i wont be available. bear with me and eventually, the path will be a little less rocky for me. 

I wish u safe paths and the best life has to offer 
Slainte and Blessed Be

~M
 

 I have been up since a little after 7 am and my brain refuses to shut off. I would like to go back to bed but it's really pointless because i'll probably have more dreams that will make my brain want to work even faster. It's been about 3 months since i broke it off with C and it's  been about a month since i realized that D didnt really want me anymore. No matter how hard i try, i cant seem to think of them as just friends. I spend half my day being down on myself because of all the memories and regrets that run through my head. They just wont lay at peace. I've been keeping so much inside of me because i'm so afraid of what people will think when they read this. That's part of my problem.. i hold things in too much and i end up hurting not only myself but others.  I dont know what to do... or how to think or how to even feel. Just when i think i am one step forward, something comes along to knock me two steps back. I seem to beat myself up daily for that which i cannot change and it frustrates the hell out of me. C is tryin to be understanding and i appreciate that but it hurts so much to see him with someone else >>_<< . I feel like such a hypocrite because when i was with someone else, i'm sure it hurt him. I was so busy assuring myself that i was on the right path being with D that i forgot to get my head out of my ass and tell C that i was sorry. I was so cocky, so sure that i was doing what was best when i wasnt. I was setting myself up to get my ass kicked by my own foolishness and allowing myself to be led along like an obediant pup. I love them both very much and it hurts that i'm not wanted by either in that way. Well for C, i can pretty much understand why after what i put him through.. but D... i dont have a fskin clue where the hell i went so wrong. Was I not supportive enough, sweet enough, funny enough, tempting enough? Was i so bad that he had to move in with an old flame just so he could shake me off and leave me wonderin what the hell was going on? He said he loved me... he promised me that he would not hurt me so deeply again. He promised me so much and I belived it all because i believed he deserved a second chance. I have wanted to be with him almost from the moment i first knew him and i thought that finally i was gettin a shot at it. I should have known something was up when he didnt talk to me for almost a week in early January. I think deep down i did but i didnt want to believe it. Part of me still doesnt want to believe it. There is so much left unsaid between us. I gave him so much of myself and i thought that he was starting to give himself to me. So many unanswered questions, so much pain, bitterness, regret is in me. I'm so tired from all of this and i am fighting like hell not to give into total despair. I have wonderful people around me. People who love me and want to see me do well. I have guys that want to get to know me better and they are great guys. I should be givin them a chance, i should be lettin go of the past but something keeps me from moving forward. Something inside of me that i cannot reach in to yank out. It's not a simple matter of feeling sorry for myself. Yes i KNOW that things could be worse but it doesnt make things any easier. 
Yesterday C accidently hit the call button when not meaning to. When i asked him if he wanted to talk, he said that he was in a call with someone else. I was guessin that that someone else was his girlfriend though i did not ask. For some reason, just him saying those few words really bothered me. He used to want to talk to me on voice everyday lmao. I would smile when he would be calling me because i enjoyed hearin his voice so much. I dont mean the same to him anymore and it hurts... it hurts a lot. And it's my own fault. I caused the rift between us because i thought that i was meant to be with D and did not think it fair to string C along. I didnt follow my gut... i jumped into something head first without taking a step back to really think things through. When i said he's my rock, i meant it and now that i dont have that rock... i'm on very shaky ground. No i'm not thinkin about suicide to those of u who jumped to that thought. There are days i can talk to C just fine and there are other days that he says things and they get to me. He does not mean to hurt me and i try to keep that in mind. I realize now that he wouldnt have left me or atleast not in the same what that D would have. He would have sat me down to actually talk things out and not leaving loose ends. C was sure he wanted me... i was just too insecure to actually see it and to talk to C when my insecurities would get the best of me. I thought his being distant was a sign because i attributed it to the other guys who became distant before they decided they really didnt want a relationship with me, some of them not even friendship. He is like no other and yet i compared him to those that arent even worth comparing and it was my downfall. I'm so sorry C, i dont mean to hurt u. I am just in a lot of pain right now and i am not sure where to direct it.

D has left me a very confused and hurt woman. I finally got up the courage one day to ask him point blank if he wanted me and if he still wanted to be with me. He took a long time to answer and then he said he didnt know, that part of him wanted to push me away . I wanted him to elaborate but he didnt. Instead he left things like that, told me to take care and said he had to get going. He went from being dead sure that he wanted to be with me and reduced our relationship to...that. I dont understand what changed his mind so suddenly and i cannot even ask him because he is not around to ask. He promised me that this would be our year, that i would have that christmas i've been wanting for almost 4 years and that he wouldnt settle for any less. He wanted me to be his wife and the mother of his kids. He wanted to see the world with me. He said he wanted to be the person that i could trust and that he would never try to hurt me. And he broke his promises. He discarded everything so carelessly all because of.. i really dont know what. So it was hard for him, well IT'S NOT EASY FOR ME EITHER. Spending every night in my bed alone, wakin up alone, dealin with daily drama alone. My life is not any easier than his and in many ways, i am in a more difficult situation than him. Did he think that i would not try to support him, that i would not judge him, that i would not love him enough? Well if he thought that then he was DEAD wrong.I need him to come back and for us to atleast try and figure this stuff out. but there is no indication that he may ever come back. I'm the gurl that is all the way over in the states with no way to get to where he is and no way to talk to him. I guess he figures that i'll survive somehow like i always have and that i dunno what.. I just dont know what he is thinkin or feeling. I dont have a clue and i may never have a clue. I did not realize that i meant so little to him... and that i am so easily discarded...
Someday it will not hurt to see my friends finding that special someone. Someday it wont hurt to be invited to weddings. Someday many things will happen to help me feel better. but right now, i'm not finding very many things.
I am starting to dread the weekends. It's when my mom and stepdad fight. It usually results in my mom leaving for the night and my stepdad pouting like a little kid who had his favorite toy taken from him. No matter how much i try to interfere, nothing works. The next day, my mom will sit there and complain to me about the whole thing and when i try to give her advice, she says i dont understand. Of course i understand, i've been dealin with this bullshit since i was a kid. I KNOW how things are. I see BOTH sides and those two are so freakin stubborn it's ridiculous. He says all sorts of mean things to her and sometimes she will retaliate but mostly she just sits there. She doesnt go out and try to look for a better life for herself. When i had my apartment, there was ample opportunity for her to take the kids and LEAVE. but she didnt. instead she would come hide at my place for the night and then go back the next day. She made me feel guilty for givin up the place because she said she wouldnt have a place to go when my stepdad became too much. Well that apartment could have been her own someday but she did nothing about it. Someday i will be away from all of this but i do not know when. Someday i will not regret the weekends. 
I'm so very tired and so very sore. if i had sleeping pills i would take them in the hopes of sleeping a dreamless sleep. i do sleep but i tend to wake up sad from it because a lot of it stems around the thoughts that run through my head during the day.

I am grateful for the love and support of others even if i do not say it. I am grateful for C's support though it hurts to be near him. I am grateful for my other friends' support though i do not say it. someday i will express my gratitude but right now, i cannot even make myself happy. I am really at a loss of what to do about all of this and all i can do is endure. I pray for a relief soon.

Ever have one of those days where you are easily irritated about just about everything? Well I had one of those days. I am sick to DEATH of the looks that a roommate of mine gives me every freaking time i eat something. What is it a crime to eat and to get up and get seconds but it's ok for him to eat as much as he wants? BULLSHIT. If ur skinny and u ask for seconds people are like well that person needs to put meat on their bones but when a gurl like me goes for seconds i'm looked at as though i shouldnt be allowed to have seconds.
I am sick of dealing with people that act nice to ur face and then when you turn ur back, they talk shit about you and say they are ur friend. Ok, so just about everyone talks about each other for whatever reason but everyday, someone tries to cut me down about something. I get poked fun of for the things i eat, the way i talk, my relationship with my man, the way i dress and a few numerous other things. But can i say anything? No because if i do, then supposedly i cant take a freaking joke. I have spent over 8 years being the butt of jokes, including from relatives that i trusted and whom used me as though i was only good when it was convienient for them.
Here i sit not mentioning any names because it would just cause more problems that i dont need added on to the things i'm tryin to cope with. People think that i take things laying down, that i dont have enough sense in my brain to know right from wrong, that i'm slow, that i'm selfish, that i could be doing more. Well u know what? Maybe i do take some things laying down. I DO have enough sense in my brain to know right from wrong, i'm NOT slow (other than with math), i DO have my selfish moments as we all do and i know that i COULD be doing more but that could be said for anyone.
I DO have plans for my life, and i DONT have to explain myself to anyone and have their approval to do what i want with my life. i am 22 years old, i'm not an 11 year old child that people can use as a punchin bag when their life turns shitty.
i am so sick of having to be on a time schedule in order to get on the computer. I'm told that i dont get out and do stuff but when i WANT to do stuff, there is always an excuse. I cant even convince someone to drive me to the beach, despite it being 10 min away. I have been back in nc for close to 4 months and i have been to the beach maybe a handful of times.
there is so much anger, frustration and hurt inside me right now. ahh to be able to scream, rage, throw things..what a nice luxury that could be. But all i can do is try to leash this damn temper of mine and try to cool down the fire in my eyes because it's not "adult like" to have a rage. So my rage is being pored out onto this journal because there is no place else for it to go.
I was tryin to talk to my friend earlier about something and he didnt say a damn word..here i was tryin to say what was bugging me and he didnt even acknowledge it, he overlooked it and talked about other stuff. I hate being ignored... it drives me batty. But do i say it? no, because i am a "nice" person who people apparently seem to think it's ok for them to tell me their stuff but when i need to get something off my chest, it's like- screw u or "things will get better".
so apparently my pain and my frustration isnt enough to merit understandin and to be heard? i dont think that is right at all. how am i supposed to keep everything inside and to put on a happy face and bite my tongue from saying a word when i want to be able to honestly say what i'm feeling and to not be told how selfish i am from seeing things only from my perspective.
Here i am, tryin to take a step to figuring things out on my own and i get griefed about it. No i havent made the wisest choices in the past but i am human and DANGIT, i deserve to be given a chance to make my own choices.
i love my man WITH ALL OF MY HEART and i dont appreciate being made to feel as though my relationship is a sideshow act that people can come and laugh at. What i feel, think, and know deserve to be heard, no matter how silly it may seem and i deserve to not have judgment passed on me.
it cuts me deeply and is bringing tears to my eyes as i speak. i am not perfect but i'm not a monster either. i dont deserve to be treated like one. i dont deserve to have my beliefs and my voice pushed so easily to the curb. i dont like scary movies. i dont watch them in theaters and i definently dont watch them at night. But was that taken into consideration when someone wanted to watch a scary movie in the dark? HELL NO. i tried to explain why and i was looked at as though i was some kid that needed to grow up, despite telling these said people that due to my past, it is a part of why i dont watch scary movies. And yet my friend wanted me to go with her to watch Saw IV in the movies. Didnt she just hear what i said?! Apparently not. I refuse to watch it just as i've refused to watch any of the other saw movies. I cant stand seein an animal in pain..let alone seein it on some screen, despite it being fake.
I am goin home on the 28th and i am gettin a lot of crap about that as well. people tell me that i'm goin to fail, that i'm goin to go back to doing nothing just like when i left. That i am goin to turn out just like a relative of mine. Ok people, i am NOT anyone but myself. While i may have characteristics of some, i am my own person, not someone's puppet to be toyed with at will.
Ok so may be some people will never truly see me for me. That is understandable. And well that's their loss. I am a living breathing, woman who will not be walked all over for the rest of her life. I will NOT fail because you can't fail unless u give up trying. I WILL NOT be compared because i am NOT like anyone else. I am tired of being told that if i dont do something that i will end up like someone else. The only way you end up like someone else is if you dont be you. No one can tell u how to be yourself but you.

i just want to snuggle with my man, and have him hold me close *sighs*

Ahh here I am, back to journaling. I remember I used to write here everyday, if not twice a day. It became part of my daily ritual and it was a way to try to figure things out or just vent when I needed to put my thoughts and ideas down on paper. Coming back here is like coming back to an old friend, you may have temporarily lost contact for whatever reason, but the familiarity and the sense of belonging is still there.
There were times that I came here to pour out my heart and I felt so much better for it afterwards because it allowed people to see the side of me that i keep hidden so much and yet not feel pressured to have to read something and have a comeback. Now mind you if I really wanted to keep everything private, this would be set to private or I would be writing this out on paper, tucking it away for no one to see but my eyes. I havent come here to pour out my heart, rather to just let my thoughts wander at will and see where this journal may end up.
So much has changed while other things have stayed the same. I separated from my boyfriend of almost 6 months back in Dec because I needed a break to try to figure things out. Rather than deciding to end things as boyfriend and girlfriend that night, I waited and ended up hurting him, resulting in us deciding to just be friends a couple of weeks later. It was for the best and we are still very good friends.
The man that I talked about back in April is now my boyfriend and will one day be my husband. Funny how it took only three days for us to realize just how much we mean to each other. We bring out sides in us that we nearly forgot about and we balance each other out. What he means to me...there aren't enough words to describe it. I am so very psyched for May when we finally get to meet in person.
Two weeks from today, I am heading back to WI. I am not sure for how long or what exactly I am going to do but it is where I want to be right now. I have a feeling that my dad is going to give me grief when he finds out lol but he only wants what's best for me and he doesn't think that my hometown has it. So many say that I am going to go back to my old habits and that I will not go anywhere's. Well I may not become rich lol but I refuse to give up and I will make it somehow. Just because you go back to your hometown, does not make you a failer. It just means that your plans didn't turn out as you thought they would and you hope that you can find a different direction to take.
I lost belief in myself somewhere's along the way and I am slowly starting to find that belief again, along with the help of David. It amazes me how much he has faith in me and is always in my corner, no matter what it may be.
I don't know what the future holds but I am hopeful and I believe that things will be ok. Giving up is not an option and I don't ever plan on giving up. I have the love of my life at my side and the support of my family and friends, what more could a gurl ask for?

Slan
~M

Hello,
I know that it's been quite some time since I last wrote in here. Mostly I've just been busy with other stuff and wasn't sure how to sort out my thoughts to try to put them down here.
 I was browsing through subjects yesterday and I thought about trying to get that artist spark back though i'm not that artistic compared to most lol.
I played about a bit with Photoshop, Photo Suite and Paint shop. What came about was quite an interesting mix. I put together a couple of pix for a friend of mine and her boyfriend. The pix were taken off this website called SecondLife. com. They both loved the pix

I realized that there aren't a lot of Celtic things about. Or rather not as much as I'd like there to be. So i'm toyin with the idea of creating celtic-themed projects. Not sure how but If i DO use someone else' work, I'll be sure to credit them . I'm workin on something at the moment as a matter of fact but i'm not sure where it's goin to lead to. At the moment I'm just filling in a Celtic banner at the moment with some colors . I was up until 3 am tryin to color some of it and to work on a few other things. Who knows, maybe I'll even kick the habit of my writer's block lmao.

I am a newbie at most of this stuff, including what categories to put some of my work. I'm blessed to have people about that are willin to help me . I'm not sure where my artist mood will take me lol but I'm willin to seek things out.

Chris has really been a big help lately and I love him soooooo much. He's so sweet and romantic and just plain lovable lol. Not to mention he's a Scots who own a kilt . It will be two months on Aug 11th that we've been together .

Anyways, I dont' know when i'll be on here but I'll try to keep you all posted . Thank you for reading this . If you have any suggestions for Celtic-themed creations, feel free to let me know. The more ideas, the better

You can find my works here -> http://celticmeg.deviantart.com/
Also, I found saw this neat interview about Kilts. Seems to be quite the fashion statement lol. I know that I'm more partial towards them because Chris wears one..well not ALL the time lol but he DOES have one. -> http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?rn=49750&cl=3439814&ch=68276&src=news

Well I'm off now. I hope everyone has a great day :D

 Well it has been some time since I've updated my journal. I kept on sayin that I would update it last week but one thing led to another and I kept on holding it off. Which is a good thing because last week was a week that was not on my list of favorite weeks lol.
I'm told that I'm strong, brave, fearless. And in a lot of ways I am. If I didn't have those qualities, I wouldn't have made it down here. Some would call what I did cowardice lol but there are always goin to be critics on things that you do. My friend and I have been distant with each other for quite some time. Ever since he told me that he loved me or rather that he was baffled how he could have fallen for me. I was willing to give him space because I knew that he was dealin with a lot and what the heck would he need to hear my troubles piled onto what he's already dealin with. I was also scared because if I told him how I felt with everything, would he delete me off his friend's list and wipe his hands clean of me? It was this fear that kept me from saying anything and while I played off as though I wasn't really bothered by things, it was eating me alive inside. And so, I finally told him what was goin on. And u know, it was better and at the same time, worst than I expected. He didn't take me off his friend's list and we didn't have like a major out and out brawl. But the pain of everything hittin me was worse than I'd thought. I haven't cried that long or hard in a long time. It felt great afterwards but at the time, it was..not a pretty sight to say the least lol. But I kept my cool with him and I didn't lash out at him though I'm sure I shocked him quite a bit with the things I had stored up inside me. It just..came out I suppose, as that will happen when u allow things to bottle up inside of you, they have to be released some how. But in this case, I hurt him and myself. He apologized for which I knew he was really sorry. But I just couldn't go on pretending that everything was peachy keen. I don't know when we will talk again or how things will be. I just know that there is hope for our friendship. Is there a possiblity for more, yes. There's always a possiblity. But to hope for that in the near future is setting myself up for failure. It's funny how when u want to tell someone what's in ur heart, it's like u can never seem to explain things enough. Then again, I am far from being good at explaining what I mean to others lol. Though explaining to others about advice, I'm pretty darn good at it. He means a great deal to me and whenever i hear The Gift by Seether, I shall think of him. Because his friendship has been a gift to me, to my soul and that is not something that I will soon forget. Listening to it makes me cry like a baby just about everytime but I can't help to be but drawn to it. We may move on and never talk to each other, but those times we talked, I won't forget. The heart remembers what the mind does not. Don't know who came up with that but it's a very true statement.
Saturday afternoon was not really eventful but was fun at the same time. Terrie and I drove to TopSail Island where she showed me Surf City and gave me strange looks when I would spot a hot guy and make some sort of noise about them lol. Let me tell u, some of them were... mmmm yummy. Well we stopped at this sort of nature place by a pier and it was quite interesting. I saw a lot of clams and mussels. It was hard to tell if they were alive or dead...apart from the ones on shore lol. We saw baby crabs..like 6 of them and the claws were bigger than their bodies. Terrie made some sort of comment about it and all of a sudden, we cracked up laughin. We hid our faces in our hands so as not to spook the babies. Terrie's face was turning a cherry red and both of us were snortin softly from laughin so hard. Well then I got to see some of the beautiful houses along the shore. Beautiful but I don't think worth the price u pay to stay in them.  I saw  a group of about 5 very hot guys on  what we call crotch rockets. If one of them would have pulled up next to us and asked me if i cared for a ride, I would have gladly jumped at the chance. Now that's not smart, I know but sometimes you just have to live in the moment and hope that things will turn out ok in the end.
Well we made it to the beach and it was great to put my feet in the sand. It felt so..soothing. It was sunny and a gorgeous day out. I waded in the ocean up to my ankles, slowly making my way out until I was up to my calves in the water. I figured I was pretty safe from having a wave try to come knock me down or crash over me. It was a neat sensation to feel the waves crash against you and retreat. Every other time the waves came towards me, it would pull a lot of the sand from under my feet. It was a weird and cool feelin at the same time. Once in a while, things would shoot past my feet but I didn't look down to see what it might have been. Was probably just pebbles anyways. Well Terrie took some pix of me at the beach, most of them rather funny. Well I had my back turned against the ocean, watchin a little red headed girl with her parents. She was quite adorable and seemed to like Terrie a lot. Next thing I know, a wave hits me. So from the lower half of my butt and down, I was soaked. It wasn't cold mind u, in fact I could have just about swum in the water with it that temp, apart from not having a towel so i would have had to ride on the rack on the truck..or something lol. So it was a rather funny sight to see me with my wet pants. We walked along the beach for a bit and we found coral. It was sort of rubbery and I almost took it back with me but then I decided against it. It was very soothing and calming spending time at the beach. With the waves crashing, the smell of the ocean, the gulls overhead, dogs in the distance and well..just everything. I was able to center myself by allowing myself to hear all of those sounds and it got me to focus and relax. I was pretty tired after our little adventure and my energy level was scarily low. So I picked up an energy drink. It took a couple of hours to take effect, but finally worked in my favor.
Saturday night, I just couldn't bring myself to get online. I just wasn't in the mood for it nor in the right mind set. It would have been to painful to log on and to see his name there and to be dealing with my other dark thoughts at the time. It's ironic how since October, on the last day of the month, I am super moody. The memories of her and I and of her death will hit me and it will just knock me flat on my ass. I was very restless and prone to gettin quite emotional on Saturday night. I would go from having to keep my temper under wraps to keep myself from crying. It was a constant roller coaster.  I had loads of fun checkin out all the hot guys lol. But my good mood would come and go. At one point I wanted to go to a dance club just to get lost in the music and to just..feel it. But instead we went home and I didn't feel like going out again. So I called mom to see how things were and then I just sat around on the couch, watching t.v. I watched the Devil Wears Prada which was quite good and I watched Pimp My Ride on MTV. Butch was laying next to me on the couch while Sparky was sprawled across my lap. It was quite..soothing to have them there. They calmed me down with their presence more than I had expected. It was also nice to just talk to Larry. I miss doin that but I have a tendency not to speak up when I should.
Yesterday the energy drink wore off around noon so I decided to lay down and I was out like a light. I dreamed about a guy friend of mine. In the dream, it was shown to me that he really likes me but just stands in the background and tries to be there for me when crap hits the fan and I am disappointed yet again by another guy. It was a soothing dream and it got me to think about him most of the day. And I believe there was a reason for that. Later that evening, I was just talking to him and he was being sweet like he always is. He's really been helping me to cope with being estranged from my friend and he's been like a savior to me. Well i finally got up the courage to tell him how I felt and to my shock, he knew it all along lol. He found my jealousy towards his gal pal to be quite amusing. He told me that he doesn't want to rush into any relationship but that if he were to decide now, he'd choose me. I was really happy to receive this news and shocked at the same time. He was so sweet to me and we enjoyed just chattin and roleplayin. So it looks like I just may have myself an SL boyfriend lol. To be honest, he has intrigued me from the first but I refused to let myself see that. Until recently that is. I'm glad I had a talk with him.
At the moment I am in SL dancin at a german night club with my good german friend Feanor. He is a total sweetheart and I'm happy that I decided to ask him for a dance a couple of weeks ago. He is very cute and he is tall be we are just very, very good friends. He is not looking to date anyone, just to have fun and so he is a great guy to have as a friend. He has that whole tall, dark, mysterious thing going on lol. It is funny when we talk. He helps me to slow down my words so that he can understand what I'm talkin about. We have a lot of laughs and it is overall a great time.
So to make a long story short, last week pretty much sucked but this week is really looking up.
I am goin to go now and talk to Feanor. I will type more later, though I am not exactly sure when.

Slainte

~M

  Well it has been some time since I've written in my journal. The headache from hell is gone and while I'm still at a loss as to how to handle certain things going on right now, I've been able to take a mental step back and realize I will get no where by dwellin on it. Rather, from experiences in the past, the only way things will come to me is if i set my mind on other things. Though I have gotten quite the odd stares when things will make sense to me and I'll suddenly yell out "I figured it out!". Yea...no wonder some people think I'm crazy lol. Ok, so maybe I'm not exactly ur average, normal 21 year old but then again, what is really defined as normal. Others could argue that point and try to tell me what IS normal but...I'd rather not go into that concept, maybe next time, emphasis on maybe lol.
 Well it is a bit after 8 in the morning and I should be sleeping since I've been up a good oh...17 hours but I seem to be on a temporary sugar rush though the closest thing i've had to sugar in the last few hours was apple juice..though that frappachino i had with 5 lil packets of sugar could still be running through my system..or maybe it's just my good mood lol.

  Anyways, yesterday I woke up with my chest feelin really tight and sore. Not to mention it was muggy out and I was having troubles breathing. Ah the lovely pollen in spring time. Messes with me every year and I should seriously see about gettin an inhaler though I'd only need it durin the spring time. My chest hurt worse than it has before and it was even harder to breathe at first but I think that has a lot to do with being in a climate that is muggier than I'm used to as this point in the season....summer in NC is goin to be a killer lmao. Anyways, by the evening, the pain had seemed to go away a bit and I was starting to feel as though I could breathe somewhat normally. I actually helped with dinner, which I should do more of so I can stop feeling so guilty about not helping as I should lol and I did the dishes. I really don't mind doin them, mostly because it's just something that i've done for so long that most of the time i just..do it. Unless I'm having bouts of laziness..which happens a lot.
  Anyways, I tried to help T on her homework where we had to find 2 articles each about the negative, positive, and neutral feel about the articles. The negative and positive were fairly easy to find but the neutral..ugh. Like it was easy to find...just..hard to explain. My brain felt like it had gone on a meltdown...I just couldn't wrap my head around the concepts of the article. Funny how my brain works when I'm not even tryin but when it comes to this stuff BLEH, it's gone into hiding lol. Well anyways, we were able to sort of figure out the articles and I was able to get on SL, as I'm on there just about every night. Sad, I know lol but lots of fun too.
  I called up Mum because I was worried about her and she wasn't on messenger like she is every night. Come to find out the poor dear was laying down because she'd caught a cold. I sure hope she feels better. We chatted for a bit and then I told her to try to get sum sleep to feel better. She doesn't sleep as she should and I really do worry about her at times. Actually just about all the time, as well as the other people I care about but sometimes at more one point than another.
Well I went onto SL and I talked to a few people, doing my usual thing on there. Havin a wardrobe malfunction, as usual. But it was soon sorted out and I started having sum fun. Well I was at this one place, where my friend was showin me a design of hers that she's been working on. I was so excited when I saw it, it looked great and i thought i'd explore a bit around the place she'd tp'd me to. Next thing I know, some amateur griefer had boxed my butt in though I had never had that happen so didn't know what the heck was goin on but i couldn't fly out because there was wire over the top. So I logged out, reset my location and, I was back in the same box. That's when i started wondering....maybe this wasn't an accident. Well luckily, I was able to teleport and the person wasn't able to find me.
I was in the mood to be around a bunch of SL people so I went to the Odds&Ends Club since I hadn't been there in a while. This guy IM'd me and told me that he'd been boxed in 2. Come to find out, it was an amateur griefer that didn't know what he was doing and so had only boxed me in but not kept me from tping, thank goodness. Well my friend was there, hostin and she showed me the work that she had done on it to fix a few things she didn't like about her design. Wow..what a change and it looked great. I was just..stunned lol and the colors went together so well and in my opinion it looked well..professional. Like she'd been creating this stuff for ages instead of just recently in the last year or so. She asked me to be a model for her clothes and I was so excited, of course I said yes. I am really happy to be able to do this for her and I am willin to wear anything that she may put out because I know it will be just classy and eccentric/interesting at the same time :).
This guy that found me on myspace IM'd me on yahoo and as usual he was sad and a bit defensive because I still didn't want to go out with him. The guy is sweet, don't get me wrong but...he is just...creepy. The things he says at times border on stalkerville. Do I mind having a guy admire me, heck no. But this goes shoots past admiration into straight on obsession. He once told me how he goes onto myspace and has to stare at my pic everyday to get his "fix" of me *shudders*. At first, I thought it was rather cute and I thought that eventually he would tire of me and move on. But then I started to see where things could possibly lead and next thing I know, I'm ranting to him as calmly as possible why i don't want to date him. I felt bad, i actually felt like dirt for having to tell him this but it's just how I felt and I tried my best to give it to him as gently as I could. My friend thought I should give him a chance at first but I told her how...I just get this vibe that him and I don't connect and it's best that I don't take him up on his offer to go out. I told him that we can be just friends. He kept on insisting to be friends with benefits to which I adamantly said no because I am not that type of gal. My friend read this and realized what a creep he really was. Then he got really pissed and said it doesn't matter since all he wanted was sex. That was when I didn't feel guilty for turning him down. I may not know how everything works here but i know my own mind and I know that I refuse to be used as just someone for sex. I deserve better than that and I would be puttin shame on myself for settling for that because that's not how I was raised and I refuse to give it up to some horny male only to later find out he only wanted me for just that. Sorry, wait, no I'm not, I don't do the one night stand. Anyways, my chest was starting to get to me at this point so I thought I'd step outside to see if that would help, which it didn't. My friend got on the computer and boy did she give him an earful lol. It was quite funny and had me laughing pretty hard. Which got my chest hurting but i didn't care. She let me borrow her inhaler so I could breathe atleast semi-normal.
  I was a bit sore and aggitated and something told me to talk to a friend that i hadn't talked to in a while. So I IM'd him and he was his usual self lol. He asked me how I was and I told him I was sore and quite annoyed and he asked what had happened. Then I went into the whole story of the weirdo guy. He even agreed the guy was just plain creepy. I SO don't need another stalker after me, been there, done that lol. Well I had a heart to heart with my friend and it was great. No being emotionally sensitive and all that crap. He told me that he finally feels he's talkin to the real Meg and that he's proud of me for taking that step to controlling my life. I was quite stunned at these words and at the same time, I could accept them without thinking beyond what sort of hidden meanin was behind it. At some point, I came to realize that I didn't need his praise or his attention to feel good about myself. Hell I don't need the attention of anyone to feel good about myself. But, I was finally able to take a step back and see the whole picture. See that I'd been tryin so hard to make him see me, to make him be fascinated by me, that I stopped being myself and started bein someone I thought he'd want me to be. That's never a good thing, because I did that as a kid and it's taken me up to now, to really see that and try to be my own person.  Amazing how in a matter of 5 months, a person can grow so much despite a lot of pain and to still be optimistic. Anyways, it was nice havin that talk with him and I was able to tell him my reasonin behind what I did with a clear, calm, relaxed head though I'm pretty sure he knew what I was doing anyways.
Well I had a friend IM me askin me to come to Phat Cat's and so I tp'd out and I decided to try out one of the new skirts i'd bought and a black top that the designers considered to be a sort of vest. The combination turned out well and 3 people thought it was a set lol. I felt proud of myself for coordinating that so well. Anyways, i get there, idly chat with my friend, us jokin around and whatnot and chattin it up with a couple. Next thing I know my boss IM's me and asks me if I'm working. To which I said no since the schedule said that i'd had the night off from Phat Cat's(this is all in SL now, mind you) but come to find out the schedule had been messed up. So I said that I was willin to work because I wasn't tired and I was in a really good mood to be chatty with people and not let all the annoying IM's become annoying. The two hours just flew by and I had a blast. So according to SL time, i worked from midnight to 2 am which is 3 to 5 am my time. I wasn't a bit tired which was rather strange because i usually am by the end of the week. Well I danced with this really nice guy and I had a lot of fun. He kept on teasin about me waitin until he told his 19 yr old son how he'd danced with such a charming American gurl. It was quite amuzing. It found it intriguin about him living in the Scottish Highlands for a couple of years. He said he'd fallen in love with Scotland, includin the isles and even one of his sons was named in honor of the Scottish names.
T told me something that shocked me. There's this 8 yr old girl that comes over to the house once in a while since she lives right next to our house with her family. She comes over just about everyday to rent another movie lol. I love her to death. She reminds me so much of myself..only with a heck of a lot more energy, she has a bf and she's much more blunt than I was at that age. The things that come out of that gurl's mouth. She's so blunt and honest that you can't help but laugh at times at what she says. The wonders of being a child..no reason to guard what you want to say. Anyways, the gurl borrowed my earrings, T did her hair and a bit of makeup and T told me that the little gurl told her she wanted to look just like me. I was quite dumbfounded and so touched at the same time that I almost cried. I grabbed the gurl and hugged her tight, i was so touched. The girl has known me maybe a couple of months and looks up to me..wow. She could almost pass for my daughter with her looks and she reminds me a lot of myself. I just want to take her under my wing and teach her all sorts of things. How to deal with bullies, how to deal with feeling like she's the odd one in the crowd, all that stuff. Heck, introduce her to the wonders of reading but at the same time, have her let loose on her creativity and to show the world that no one can keep her down and that she's a gal worth getting to know. Wow...a lot of thought into that one lol but, I honestly just feel a..connection with her. Hopefully I can help her in some small way.
I often wonder to myself why various people will just..out of the blue look at me and say, I admire you or, I want to be just like you. I guess it's just one of those things that I shouldn't question. I must give off this positive, calm, easy-goin vibe that people want to know more about and try to get for themselves. I love helping people. It always gives me a good vibe to know I've helped someone. I don't ever expect payment, because it's my gift to them to help them and to see them happy is the gift they can give to me. It's amazing how a little kindness on my part can go a long way to people. It could be something as easy as just givin them an out to vent on. Not physically, but someone to talk to and help them sort out what's troubling them or what's making them so crazy. It's amazing how one person can help so many and not think much of it, but when u try to help urself, ur often at a loss of where to start. I've come to realize that even those I help, I am often as a loss of how to help them but I try my best to help them and hope that my insight has given them a bit of a clearer path to follow.
I think I may look into the Martial Arts again. It would help me to focus in the past and not to mention I could learn some cool moves to get my butt in shape and to protect myself if need be. I should try meditating more. I tried it a couple of days ago. I didn't cross my legs or put my fingers in that funny shape often used for meditation. Rather I sat outside, where it was sprinkling a bit, closed my eyes, and just let the wonders of nature and modern man made things invade my senses. I didn't try to block out my troubled thoughts but rather they seemed to dimish until I was only listening to each individual noise outside and of the music on the computer inside. It's amazing what one can hear when just letting all the senses loose. Bein in the rain seems to help clear my head better and since then, I've just felt calmer. I am not going to worry bout my singledom or my relationship with my friend, because that's all we are for now, friends. He knows my heart and where I stand and he'll have to take that step. He can go through a hundred gurls and I will still not expect him to choose me because I will not try to sway him. What's meant to be, will be. I won't make a move unless a feeling tells me to.
Well I think I have written quite enough and frankly, I need to go get sum rest.

I will write more later though I'm not sure how later or how many days it may be

Take care my friends and family.

Slan

~M

I have a headache from hell right now. It feels as though my skull is on fire and my eyes are burning pretty badly. Probably doesn't help that i only slept for 3 hrs yesterday lol. I'm goin to make myself sick if i keep this up, this i know. I guess it's just habit with me when things  bother me to not really pay attention to what my body craves so i end up running myself down.

I miss my friend. I miss us being able to just talk and talk and talk. Amazing how only a few words can change ur relationship with someone so drastically ha ha ha. Right now I just want to be cuddled and held close until i fall sleep and this damn headache goes away.

I'm just goin to try to sleep this off and see how i feel in the morning. Too many pressures i guess have been hittin me all at once. My family misses me and I miss them but they don't need to point that out to me everytime i talk to them. Mainly a few erm...select people. It's nice to be missed but for goodness sake, stop makin me feel so damn guilty for following my heart.

I'm worried about a couple of my friends because something just doesn't seem right. It's just these..vibes i have been gettin and I can't explain them. I just wish the people that i'm most concerned about would speak up and TELL me what's wrong. Patience is a virtue for sure and one that I'm great at, usually but not lately lol.
I'm just gettin freakin tired of fate puttin things and people in my path that make me WANT more than i have than to just have them taken from me. Because when it's gone, it hurts even worse...When you find that guy u just..click with, i mean on every possible level that you have ever wanted to click with someone, isn't that supposed to mean something? I can't explain it but this guy and I just..connect. I keep on feeling as though someone up in heaven is wantin this to happen for me but it's just not goin accordin to plan lmao. I guess the thing is that if it's meant to be, then it will be. But it sure as heck would be nice to have a guy who would be willin to choose me and stand at my side. I will care for this person, no matter what happens because in the end, all this bs doesn't really matter but a part of me wishes that i could have what i want so badly lol.  It just doesn't make sense. Yes, there is a reason for everythin, I get that. But one of these times, maybe fate will stop telling karma to come bite me in the ass hard when i've been tryin so hard to be a good person. I miss her a lot but i also wish that someday, i'll have a soft spot to land when my world comes crashin down. I can handle it, of course but it's the thought that counts. I guess what it all comes down to, is that i've now realized that i no longer have to explain myself. Because those that truly love me will love me as I am and will grow with me as I learn new things.
I don't need approval anymore. I have family and friends that will back me up. But i want more than that. And I don't know what the future holds for me but i hope it brings me that guy i've always wanted..


Well I'm off....to be continued later.

Luv u guys

*hugs*

~M

I found this on SecondLife in some gal's profile.The credit goes to Ceres Prototype just in case she happens to find this blog :P. Thanx for making me laugh. It was so cute I just had to post it. I believe the Woman's poem is very true but the guy's..well depends on the guy lmao. But I still had an urge to post it. Enjoy
~M~
**WOMAN'S POEM**:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,  
One who's smart and sweet and strong.
One who'll admit when he is wrong,
One who doesn't throw constant fits,
And misses me on business trips.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I change my mind, he won't be annoyed.
Loves spur-of-the-moment-and-out-the-door,
Fixes my computer and runs to the store.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "do I have a weird behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And always be my very best friend.
***A MAN'S POEM** :
I pray for a hot deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs,
who owns a liquor store and a loves electronics as much as I do.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

 

p.s. I know it's been a while since I've posted anything. But I'll soon be keepin u guys updated, I hope lol. Stay tooned my friends :)

Slan

~M

I'm in an odd mood today .It's a mixture of restlessness, sadness, anger and a combination of things. I am to leave to go back to NC tomorrow and I am anxious to go back.
I feel so hemmed in and my family is getting on my nerves. My temper is short at the moment and I am gettin really irritated. Don't they realize that I can do things on my own and to stop crowding me in. I'm not a child and I wish they'd cut it with the guilt trip bullshit. I came here to take care of things and go back. Not to come here to get grief about something that I believe is right. 

I'm a bit sad because I found a guy that I REALLY connect with and He is to be married. I'm happy for him and I hope it works out but it makes me feel so singled out. I am always the observer, from the outside looking in. It's such a lonely position to be in and it's painful at times to watch as I am the one left without someone to hold close at night and have all of those romantic moments that I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. I am the one who gives advice, who always helps. I will go out of my way to make people happy even if it wears me down. I don't expect a thank you, but I feel as though that is just my purpose. To help others but to never experience all of that good stuff.

I haven't slept since yesterday morning and I probably should but I'm too restless. I'm anxious to return to NC where it's warm and I can walk the beach shoreline to think and all that good stuff. 

There was this guy on SL that I deleted because it hurt to see his profile and know that he'd chosen someone else over me. That he couldn't wait for me to make up my mind before finding someone else. My friends tell me it won't laste, after all, it is just SL lol. I just wish he would have been honest with me from the start instead of beating around the bush.

I've been having a lot of deep convos with my friend and some of them have rocked me off my feet. You try so hard to hide things and they end up being discovered anyways and though i am a bit embarrassed, i'm relieved in a sense. Because now he knows why i go into these odd, sort of sad moods. Because I want what  I can't have and so i am setting myself a part a bit. We are still great friends but I cannot let my deep feelings consume me and become my life's work. Ironic how things work out. You tell urself that it's not going to work anyways so why bother but a part of u can't help but to try.Atleast I've stopped trying to get his attention like i used to lol. Man, I was so obvious but tryin to hard to act nonchalant. I almost tipped over in my chair when when he started talking to me. I like talking to him more than I talk to my regular friends. But he is still there for me, despite how strong his feelings may be, he's still my Guardian in a sense, ready to rescue me if he can

I attended a Keltish concert last night in SL Scotland. It was loads of fun to be dancing around and the music was great. I brought a newly found friend with me whom I got to dance a few jigs while my other friend stood off to the side, just watchin everything and enjoying.

I was hopin to go to a Ceidhl this weekend but it's on Sunday and not Saturday. I will be on the road, close to NC by Sunday... I hope. If the weather pans out, that is. There is SOOOO many things that I need to do before I leave but I don't really have the energy with my being so tired and having some sort of flu bug.

I miss the closeness I used to have with people. Now I am connected but I feel so separated from them mostly due to my way of thinking. I do not exactly follow the norm for standard thinking with usually makes me receive odd looks.

I can't get my thoughts exactly clear so I am goin to go for now. Perhaps i'll feel better later.

~Slaine~

~M

1. Your Name:

2. Age:

3. Fave Color:

4. Eye/Hair color:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Are we friends?

2. Do you have a crush on me?

3. Would you kiss me?

4. ...with tongue?

5. Would you enjoy it?

6. Would you ever ask me out?

7. Would you make a move on me in a movie theater?

9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?

11.Would you walk on the beach with me? and then take advantage of me?

12. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me?

13. Do you/have you talked junk about me?

14. Do you think I'm a good person?

15. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)?

16. Would you let anything happen in that bed?

17.Do you think I'm hott?

18. If you could change anything about me -would you?

19.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

20. what do you rate me outta 1-10?
____________________________________________________

If we met under the mistletoe...


Would You kiss ME?
[ _ ] YES
[ _ ] NO

If YES..
[ _ ] CHEEK
[ _ ] LIPS

Do you even need a mistletoe to kiss me?
[ _ ] YES
[ _ ] NO
[ _] HEkk NO!
____________________________________________________
would you...

[_]go out with me?
[_]give me your number? (_ _ _) _ _ _ - _ _ _ _
[_] kiss me?
[_] let me kiss you?
[_] watch a movie with me?
[_] let me take you out to dinner?
[_] let me drive you somewhere
[_] cut some rug with me?
[_] take a shower with me?
[_] be my bf/gf?
[_] have a fling with me?
[_] let me buy you a drink?
[_] take me home for the night?
[_] Would you let me sleep in your bed?
[_] Sing car karaoke w/ me?
[_] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[_] give me a piggyback ride?
[_] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere
[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_] lick my cheek?
[_] dance with me?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me to death?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] play strip poker with me?
[_] say yes if i asked you out?

[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?

D0 Y0U...
[_] think im cute?
[_] think im hot?
[_] want to kiss me?
[_] want to cuddle with me?
[_] want to hook up with me?
[_] want to have sex with me?

ARE WE...
[_] aquintences?
[_] friends?
[_] in a relationship?
[_] gonna have kids?

AM i...
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] loveable?
[_] adorable?
[_] compassionate?
[_] annoying?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
[_] odd?

HAVE Y0U EVER...
[_] thought about me?
[_] thought there might be an "us"?
[_] thought about hookin up with me?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] wished i were there?
[_] grabbed me?
[_] had a crush on me?
[_] idolized me?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
[_] been distracted by me?
[_] wanted to have sex with me?

ARE Y0U...
[_] done with this survey?
[_] happy you know me?
[_] mad at me?
[_] thinkin bout me?
[_] going to repost this so that i will return the favor