It has been quite the busy week as of late no make that over five months. I am very happy to have a job and a Jeep to get me places whether it be for work or for fun and some money in my pocket to pay for various expenses though I am lucky to not have that many bills. I’ve been overly stressed lately with work, classes, fam stuff and personal things so to say it’s been wearing on me is putting it mildly. Probably why I had a bad cold in which I lost my voice and was short of breath for about a week. Thank goodness my voice came back though it was interesting and yet draining to try to speak to customers above a whisper for a while. Been a while since I’ve had a summer cold and one where I came close to losing my voice. Then shortly after I got over the cold there was a lot of pressure in my head and I had a bloody nose that wasn’t easy to stop. Thankfully it did.
My sister and I had quite the fight a few days ago. Lately she’s been gone a lot with her friend and going to see her boyfriend which is fine. She’s 18 now and I can understand wanting to go on road trips and what not. I wasn’t in the best of moods when she texted me but I had a feeling I knew what she was going to ask. Instead of beating around the bush, I outright told her that I wasn’t going to take her friend home who was spending a couple of days at the house and I wasn’t taking my sis to her boyfriend’s. I have no problem whatsoever with my sis’s boyfriend and actually I think he’s pretty cool. But he lives over an hour away and it is not cheap to drive my Jeep to where he lives, not to mention my Jeep has close to 300,000 miles. She blew up at me, told me to screw off (used something harsher but won’t say it here), said I spend more time with a cousin than I do her, that my cousin isn’t my sis, she is and well pretty much just blew up my phone with texts. When I tried to defend myself she called me a biotch and just basically said some things that not only hurt but made me angry. I will put up with a lot of things but when backed into a corner I will fight back. Sometimes I feel as though my sis and I are on completely different planets. She’s used to things being a certain way while I learned over the years to try to be flexible and fairly easy going. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister but her blowing up at me like that threw me.
After work on Friday I checked in the paper to see if there might be a place for rent that was affordable but didn’t have much luck. To say it’s been frustrating trying to find a place of my own is putting it mildly. I need my own space and personal time that I am not getting living with family. I appreciate that they took me in when I had nowhere else to go but I need a place to go where I don’t have to be around by people if I’m not in the mood to.
I seemed to be crying almost at the drop of a hat today but I’m not fully what brought it around. Reading some emails that were very personal to me probably didn’t help matters, especially the feelings they brought back. Knowing I shouldn’t read some things and reading them anyways are two very different things. I was blasting music into my ears partly to try to get some reading done for a class and partly to drown out the sounds of fighting. If you ask me what the fighting was about, I really don’t know. I did hear raised voices but that just had me turning up the volume even more. It probably went on for a couple of hours and it resulted in them going into separate rooms. Ok well stepdad going into the bedroom and mom going outside to sit in her car *sighs*. My stepdad was not only drinking but in a mood and had it in his head to try to let all the dogs loose in the house. Thank goodness he didn’t follow through but boy was he being uh… something else.
I really am very tired of the drama and of keeping it to myself. It has been so long since I’ve been able to say fully what is on my mind to well… anyone or anything for that matter. Most of the time I don’t have the time to sit down and write things plus I tend to feel silly even writing things down to complain. Sometimes I really want to email a friend of mine who I used to talk to just about everyday. Part of the reason I don't is when I go to write, my mind goes blank and the other factor is not having much time to do those things. When certain aspects of my life change, I am usually thrown for a loop and feel like I'm just drinking. Part of this I think has to do with not having a port in the storm to keep me steady so to speak. This isn’t the life that I had planned and I certainly don’t want to be doing the same thing for the rest of my life, let alone continuing to be alone. I just honestly don’t know if or when I will have someone again. My relationships have pretty much gone down the toilet in the last three years. I may not understand why they did but I just know I don’t want to have to wait decades for that right person to come along. Or maybe I already met him and I just didn’t see it. I want something… better…. For life to be much more adventurous and lively.

Here’s hoping life still has some great things in store for me and this is a stepping stone towards the right path. I would type more but my brain is getting fuzzy and my eyelids are getting heavy.

Slainte

~

Alas I don't have a significant other at this time. If I did, no I wouldn't change anything about them. Part of being with them is loving that person as they are, faults and all. I am far from perfect and I wouldn't expect my significant other to be perfect either. If someone wants to change, then let them but don't force it. After all, who really wants to be with someone who has no flaws?

Hello,

Wow has it been a while since I've written something here. Life has been so crazy as of late and in fact I should be heading to bed shortly due to working 8:30 to 5 and then heading back home to meet up with my cousin and sis, then off to hang out at the movie theater to wait in line for the midnight release of Part 2 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Hard to believe that it's coming to an end as I literally grew up with the books and was about 11 when the first one came out and now here is the last movie. Somehow I have to figure out how I am going to work in working on a few late assignments for my Technical Writing course which is due this Friday by 10:59pm. Haven't a clue how I am supposed to figure out the budget on what it might cost to have a local mansion that was built in the 1800's to be restored mostly because there isn't a lot of information to be found on it though did find a little bit of information through Facebook. Here's hoping I can maybe find out more information with the local library. Am not looking forward having to write an executive summary... Talk about a lot of pressure. That's not including needing to work in the Final Project which is due next Tuesday. Then there is getting a start on my Final project for Software Applications which will be quite the undertaking but isn't due until July 26th so have a bit of time. Add into that having to work most of the time and well doesn't leave a lot of me time. It was nice to sit and relax with my cousin while paging through the second half of the Deathly Hallows book and I've been having a HP movie marathon with my cousin. No matter how old I get, those movies never get tiring. Maybe it's because watching and reading has always brought me such pleasure especially the HP series.

A friend of mine that I hadn't seen in three years died last Tuesday though I didn't find out until Thursday. The wake, funeral, etc are being held this weekend and I don't know if I'm going to be able to make any of the events with work and my projects for school to work on but I am going to try my best. I never knew that he had a heart defect and came as a shock to me when I learned that he had died of a heart attack. It has been a difficult time this year for sure. My dog Cody died in November which I took really hard. A friend that I had known since I was a little kid died after a long battle of illnesses, my step grandpa died in January, work has been hectic as well as classes and well other things have certainly been challenging.

I really would love to have someone at my side but it would seem that it's just not in the cards at the moment. I thought I came close a few times but I was so wrong. A friend of mine was married recently but I did not know about it until it was too late to request off from work plus I wasn't invited and only found out through facebook. I am so very happy for him and his wife seems like a really sweet woman. It's wonderful to see him so happy and I was thrilled to learn about the wedding. I just would have liked to have known about it but I realize that we weren't in contact with each other as much as we used to be and I know that things happen. Another friend of mine is now in a relationship and I am happy for him. The thing is that not even two weeks earlier he had mentioned how he wasn't ready for a relationship but suddenly his status is changed from single to in a relationship. I was never told and found out through facebook about it. I didn't know how to react to it and was rather stunned. I don't like being in the dark about things and feeling as though I was left out of it. I just would like to know what's going on in my friends' and families' lives but sometimes it feels as though I'm not important enough to be informed.

On a bright note my cousin married her high school sweetheart July 1st and I was one of the bridesmaids. It was the hottest day on record and the A/C was failing in the church but we all made it through it. Mind you I nearly fell on my face when I tripped going up the steps in my dress and heels and the color of my gown was a shade darker due to not being able to get a gown at the same place as the other gals. But I walked down the aisle with someone a few inches taller than me who thankfully was great at helping me walk right in my heels as well as up the stairs to the grotto. The best man could have passed for a taller and American version of an ex of mine which took a bit to get used to. I think he wondered why I would glance his way but it was just me reassuring myself that it wasn't someone else. My feet were going to sleep mostly due to the shoes being atleast one size too small but it was a beautiful ceremony and I had fun. I took my heels off as soon as I went downstairs and switched to flip flops. The reception was interesting, particularly with grand march and managing to trap the bride and groom to kiss each other. As it came to a close the sky looked like a fourth of july show with just the white lights. It was a beautiful site for sure though a fierce wind picked up and we all went inside because it was not a good idea to stand out in it.

Word of advice: If you happen to go through a drive thru in the dark, make sure to roll up your windows and avoid eye contact. I was hanging with a friend of mine who went through the drive thru at McD's for a couple of small shakes. This guy approaches us and asks for a ride to Oshgosh. There was no freaking way I was going to make a trip all the way there with some guy I barely knew. Well my guy friend felt bad so said he would give him a ride closer to his destination. At first we thought maybe he was a guy just down on his luck trying to get back to his gf. Then he starts to mention how he was in jail for some sort of disorderly conduct and how they took his crack pipes but left the other stuff. He also mentioned about where he was staying for a while and trying to get my friend to go faster. It was such a relief to drop him off about a half hour later at the next town. Just our luck to pick up an apparently drunk crackhead but he didn't seem violent. I plan to never ever deal with that sort of thing but it was certainly a memorable adventure...

Well it's time that I headed to bed and hopefully things that are really stressful in my life will be worked out and I will stop feeling so isolated from those who are important to me whether we stay in contact regularly or not. I also really hope there is a Mr. Special Someone around the corner. Doesn't have to be Mr. Right though Mr. Right Now would work or heck just someone that I can really connect with and have total honesty with.

Slainte
~Meg

It's amazing how fast life can change in some aspects in a matter of a month and not much in others. I finally have a job as of March 17th and though there is a lot to take in at times as well as the odd hours, it feels great to be working again. As well as having my own vehicle and knowing that I will be having a paycheck come soon. My job as well as online courses and when I can fit in family stuff keeps me very busy. I don't mind busy, keeps my mind from wandering too much. With luck I just may have a place of my own by Summer... maybe. I hope it's a start in the right direction of something. It was a long day at work as I worked from 8 am til 5 pm and my back was so sore from standing it was hard to move at times. Other than that, it was a pretty good day well atleast until I checked my phone after work. Dad told me that a long time friend of his whom I had known for years passed away. He was in quite a bit of pain and had been hanging on for much longer than the doctors thought he would. The last time I saw him was when he happened to be in the same wing as my mom when she had her surgery. I gave him a hug and he seemed pretty coherent. We all knew it was coming just not sure when and was still a bit of a shock to me to learn of it. I am hopeful that he is at peace and I said a prayer earlier about it though it will be strange the fact that I won't be hearing his unique voice anymore.

It has certainly been an uphill battle in a number of things as of late and sometimes I wonder who I am going to juggle it all. I know that with the Lord's help I can accomplish many things and I bear that in mind but I want something more and I am not speaking about material things. The thought of going through life without a mate at my side is a daunting thought. Do I need a mate to make me happy? Of course I don't but it sure would be nice to have a chance again.I am very tired at the moment and am feeling a mixture of emotions. There are times where I wish my life was different in some ways particularly when I'm at a low moment and I'm not sure how the heck I'll get through something.
I feel much of the time as though I am standing in the middle of a crowd trying to speak to even one person and yet having it fall on deaf ears. To say that is annoying is putting it mildly and I can't begin to tell you just how much I miss being able to have a friend or two that I can tell any and everything too without feeling as though I need to apologize repeatedly for jabbering on or forcing myself to stop talking because the person doesn't appear to be intersted in what I have to say.
A couple of days ago I was driving to meet my dad and he called me to see how far away I was. I received some news that not only scared me but I became a bit teary eyed. I am not going to go into it because he said it to me in confidence but I sure hope that what was said isn't going to come true anytime soon. If it does well I am going to need more than just the Lord's help to get through it. Makes me teary eyed just typing that down *sighs*

I smile, laugh, try to be helpful...what not, especially at work but there are times when I am just not feeling it but push myself to keep up that persona. A lot of that is out of habit and well I am not sure what the other part of it is. I miss having connections as I feel so very disconnected as of late particularly with most of those who I was once very close to. It has been way too long since I spilled my guts fully to someone put a lot of that is because I won't allow myself to. I don't want people to keep a wide berth of me for fear that I'll get into too much information. And I don't want people to think that I am in the "poor me" mode because I neither need nor want pity, just some understanding.

Well as I sit here typing, I am dozing which I take to mean I should head to bed shortly. I will be working from 1 to 10.


HERE the frailest leaves of me, and yet my strongest-lasting:
Here I shade and hide my thoughts—I myself do not expose them,
And yet they expose me more than all my other poems.
By: Walt Whitman

R.I.P. my friend. May you be happily inside the gates of Heaven

Slainte
~Meg

    Shortly after coming down I became sick though I thought it was mostly just from eating too late as my friend and her boyfriend tend to eat late at night and I was trying to adapt to that which wasn’t working out very well. After not being able to eat for two days  and praying to the porcelain god three times of what little had been left in my stomach and dealing with quite a bit of pain, I finally decided to go into the ER. I procrastinated because I hate the thought of being stuck with needles, waiting hours to see a doc and then to come find out that they really aren’t sure what’s wrong. But I really wanted to know what was going on and I’d never been to Onslow Memorial for myself so maybe they could figure something out. My friend’s roomie Amelia drove me to the ER which I was very grateful for because I wasn’t so sure about driving there and back, especially after possible blood tests. I really wanted my friend to go with me but I could understand her not wanting to be around all the possibly sick people in the ER, not to mention she’s getting over something herself. So after waiting three hours Amelia and I were finally led to a room and for once I was very happy to do my business with a cup since I’d been waiting three hours and I felt ready to burst. The nurse asked a few questions, stepped out and in walked the doctor. She asked questions as well and she said the words I’d dreaded which had to deal with being poked with a needle and have blood drawn. But what made me more nervous was her mentioning how it was going to be done through an IV. I am not sure if I had an IV when I was a kid but as much as I could remember I couldn’t remember having an IV done and I was nervous of the pain but I could understand why an IV would be needed as I was likely dehydrated and would be best to try to give me medicine as directly as possible. I was so nervous and had to turn my head away while squeezing Amelia’s hands because I couldn’t watch the needle being inserted which was surprisingly not that painful and then when blood was drawn as I tend to get woozy seeing my own blood filling up a tube. So after filling up about four tubes the nurse secured the IV and then proceeded to add an anti nausea medicine call Zofran which I guess it often given to pregnant women. I was then given Pepcid AC as I’d been experiencing some heartburn. This had to be pushed through slowly and mixed with the saline as apparently it can be quite harsh given directly to the veins. I was warned that my arm might feel a bit cold and they were right. It was an odd sensation as it felt like something was blowing cool air on my arm though it wasn’t really an unpleasant feeling. After an hour of watching Roadhouse, trying not to get sick as the bed was being rocked a bit bc Amelia was moving her feet, and my lower back was starting to get sore, the doc came back in with the tests results. She said that it was a stomach virus that I’d been experiencing. She then proceeded to give me instructions such as a diet of bland foods and drinks to slowly build my system back up though I could have jello and popsicle sticks. I was also given a prescription for anti nausea and it was advised that if I had more heartburn to pick up a packet of Pepcid AC. I’d hoped that something would be given for the pain but ah well atleast it wasn’t as bad as the night before. A nurse then came in and carefully removed the adhesive and the needle which wasn’t that painful to be removed and by the time I looked, there was a bandage on it. I was so relieved to finally get up and be able to leave though I got up slowly so as not to fall over and hurt myself as I sometimes get a bit woozy after having blood drawn from me. It was cool and kind of rainy out though I didn’t mind as fresh air tends to help me feel a bit better anyways. So we made it back to my friend’s house where I curled up on the chaise and called my mom, letting her know what was going on. I didn’t talk long to her as I was tired and I took one of the pills just in case I happened to feel woozy the next morning.
    The next day I was feeling a bit better though I really didn’t feel like doing much. I mostly just layed around on a chair and tried not to move too much. I did manage to eat a few spoonfuls of rice and I was frustrated that it was plain and that I couldn’t seem to eat any more than that as I’m used to eating a lot more but I didn’t want to push myself either. I wanted some wonton soup so badly as well as jello and apple juice and well a number of things. We were out of toilet paper and I had planned to go to the store early but I felt really run down. Finally after it became dark I borrowed Amelia’s jeep and got up the oomph to get out and get some things. I went one of the nearest stores which is a Family Dollar. I picked up a pack of toilet paper and noodles then went to see what I could find for myself. I picked out jello, apple sauce, a box of chicken noodle soup, a can of broth,, and apple juice. I was so happy to be getting these things as I’d really been craving something other than really bland food. Well unfortunately my debit card wasn’t working which I thought was rather odd. I felt really embarrassed and asked where the nearest ATM was which I found out was a couple of blocks or so the opposite way. So I got in the jeep and drove to the gas station while talking to my dad on the phone as he‘d called which was quite a feat. I was sitting at the stop lights, explaining the night before and he commented that though he hadn‘t know that I hadn‘t eaten for two days that atleast it was a start on my diet… I didn‘t know how to respond to that.. Though I must say that it was hard to hear that and honestly it stung that he seemed more concerned about my losing weight at that moment than the fact that I‘d unhealthily not been eating for two days but I decided to just let it go as I needed to worry about driving anyways. And besides his usual comments to my not feeling well will say something about it having to do with my weight and my unhealthy eating habits. Mind you it usually has to deal with that but doesn’t make me feel any better to hear that though in his own way he is concerned.. So I managed to pull into the gas station and park while still talking to my dad.  I prayed that my card would work but again it wasn’t working.  My dad asked why I hadn’t called the bank to which I didn’t know how to respond. Telling him that I hadn’t was due to my not feeling well probably wouldn’t have been a good enough excuse. Though I don’t know why at 24 years old I still think I have to come up with semi logical excuses as to why I do certain things or why I don’t but for some reason my dad often brings out the kid in me but not always the easy going side. Anyways I decided to try it another way so grabbed a ginger ale. Dad had gotten on another topic which I was relieved about and then asked if I could call him back as it was rude not to have my full attention on him or any one that may call. So we said our farewells and I put my focus on the task before me. Come to find out the gas station couldn’t help me. I’d had the soda tucked under my arm and almost every time I go there I tend to get a soda so didn’t think much of it. I got to the jeep before I realized what I had and felt like smacking myself. So I turned around, walked back in and set the soda on the counter, apologizing profusely though apparently the attendee hadn’t noticed and I was directed to some Kangaroo gas station that’s down the street and around the corner. All the while driving there I prayed fervently that I wouldn’t run out of gas as I didn’t know how much was in the tank, nor did I have any cash on me to put more gas in should it run out.
    Thankfully I made it there without the jeep sounding like it wanted to run out of gas. I tried again at the ATM but no luck. I was so frustrated and asked someone at the front desk but they couldn’t help me either. I went back out to the jeep and called my friend. She suggested I try buying something and see if it would work that way. So I went back in, grabbed a Ginger ale and attempted to pay for it but with no luck. I felt like banging my head on the desk in frustration but instead but the soda back and went out to the Jeep. I called my friend though she couldn’t really help me elsewhere and said I might as well come back. I hung up the phone and leaned against the steering wheel for a while as my lower back was bothering me, I wasn’t feeling well and I just felt defeated. After a couple of minutes I pulled myself together, sent a silent prayer that I’d get back without running out of gas and made my way slowly  back to my friend’s place.
    I was so relieved when I pulled in and shut off the engine. I felt like an idiot though as I walked in though my friend didn’t say much. She was on my laptop as she’d texted me early for permission to which I’d said she could. I sat on the chaise with a pillow against my lower back and it was difficult to move. She was looking at possible houses. I managed to move to the couch to see better what she was looking at. There were some really nice houses for sale though most of them were really pricey. After a few minutes my friend handed over my laptop. I sat on the couch for a while on it was my back was still bothering me and I didn’t want to move too much. When the battery became less than half though I forced myself to move and plug in my laptop. I was tired though so I didn’t stay on long, shut it off and decided to just head to bed.
    The next day was just one frustration after another and I didn’t know quite what to do with myself. I was hungry so had a bowl of plain cereal and milk, thinking that it should go ok with my stomach. It didn’t go so well though and took a while for it to settle down. I kept on praying that I wouldn’t get sick as I was tired of getting sick and I wanted to keep food inside me. Finally after a few hours my stomach settled but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to eat anything else for a while. I was thirsty so watered down some orange juice though would seem even watering it down didn’t stop it from giving me heartburn. I was so frustrated about everything in general while feeling homesick at the same time. Things hadn’t been turning out at all like I’d expected and it felt like I couldn’t do much about the current state of things. I was frustrated about having to be on not only a bland diet but not being able to eat much. Frustrated that my friend wasn’t asking if I needed anything or coming in and sitting with me to keep my company. I was frustrated that my card wasn’t working and that there weren’t a lot of bland foods in the house to snack on and I wouldn’t be able to buy my own food until my new card comes in. Frustrated that the trip wasn’t turning out at all like I’d expected. I was feeling restless, irritated, sad, homesick, sick and just plain ugh. So finally I told mom all my frustrations which I think surprised her. I don’t even remember half of what I told her though it was a lot. She suggested that I take the first train home to which I said I couldn’t due to being sick and that taking the ride in my current state would only make me sicker. I was also frustrated due to not talking to a couple of friends, not quite sure what to make of my current situation and the song I was listening to wasn’t helping matters. I’d been listening to my personal list of songs and Dishwalla’s- Every Little Thing happened to pop on. I started crying as that song tends to get to me and it’s a personal sore spot for me due to the history of the song. Someone once dedicated the song to me and I found myself wondering why the song had to come back and haunt me right at that moment, not to mention the memories that I was associating with that song. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and just sob my heart’s content for a bit but I pulled myself together and figured if I wanted to cry I could try another time.  I was ok after a few hours and by then I was annoyed by the questions and what not that mom was asking me on IM. I love her but sometimes she asks just too much and sometimes I just don’t know how to respond. My friend came in, asking if I was alright and I said that I was still in some pain but I thought I was a bit better. She then said that I seemed a bit puffy and asked if maybe I was retaining water. Well that didn’t make me feel very good though instead I told her maybe. That’s not exactly the smartest thing to say to your sick friend especially since she knew I was feeling a bit sensitive but oh well. She turned on the National Treasure movie after a while. Mom went to bed around 10, saying that she was going to send out a package of stuff in the morning for me, including my new debit card. I curled up in the chair with a pillow while watching the movie. When it came near its end I was very tired so curled up and I think I fell asleep for a bit because when I looked up, it was quiet and it was sometime after 1 am. So I hauled myself off to bed, remembering to take an anti nausea pill.

    I woke up in the morning feeling groggy as I’d had some rather strange dreams and I felt odd. I thought to myself.. Oh no.. don’t tell me I’ve received a gift from mother nature but of course I had. I thought to myself.. Just great.. Another thing to add to my list of why I’m sick and miserable. But I forced myself to get up and go take a shower as I thought it might help me feel better. I didn’t by much though as my back was sore from standing, my legs were swollen and the water was hard on my stomach but I forced myself to stand there and knew that I’d thank myself later for doing that. I was so happy though to turn off the water and sit down. I haven’t a clue why I felt so sore though it could have been due to a number of things. I managed to make myself get dressed and forced myself to find something to eat. I found some apple sauce and ate I think a quarter cup full, maybe less. It went down smoothly though which I was grateful for. I decided to stick with ice water to drink. I parked myself on the chaise and loaded up my laptop. Mom came on shortly afterwards with her usual greeting of have you been on long? Or she’ll ask if I just got up. She told me that she’d sent out a package containing pudding, jello, a pack of ramen noodles, raspberry, peach and lemonade kool aide as well as my debit card. It’s supposed to arrived Monday or Tuesday and whatever I don’t finish to bring back with me. She then proceeded to talk my ear off as she normally does though I’ve learned that if I seem like I’m atleast semi paying attention she’s ok with that. I was feeling pretty rotten and not in the best of moods though was trying not to show it. My friend was sleeping most of the day as being this far along it tends to wear her out. Later in the afternoon she asked me to take out the dogs and then left with her boyfriend. I didn’t know where they were going and a bit of me was annoyed that she hadn’t asked if I’d wanted something or to possibly tag along though I didn’t say that. Lately I’ve been feeling excluded from a lot of things but I’ve tried to remember that I can’t be included in on everything and it’s not like I’m being deliberately left in the dark. I left the dogs out near dark time and stood on the porch to watch them as it was rainy and cold. That’s what the weather is mostly like around here this time of year apparently- rainy and cold. I wanted to go back inside but wanted to give the dogs enough time to go to the bathroom as well. Finally after about 15 min or so all the dogs had done their business and I could bring them inside. I was hungry so scrounged through the cupboards, trying to find something that might go down ok. The rice I’d made the day before seemed just too hard so decided to make a new small batch. This time I made it much smaller and thought to add a bit of lemon juice. Surprisingly it turned out quite well with some lemon, salt and pepper. It was a lot easier to eat and it settled ok with my stomach.
I relaxed back in the chaise with the laptop on my lap. I was full though not stuffed and was feeling a lil bit better. I sat there for a while trying to sort my inventory in SL while talking to mom which trying to do both at the same time isn’t not an easy feat and I was getting a bit frustrated. I know she worries about me but telling me things about what I shouldn’t or shouldn’t be doing while sick isn’t helping me feel any better nor pointing out about my lack of being informed about recent events. I just sighed and willed myself to have patience though I really didn’t need to have it pointed out about some recent obvious things.
    What would happen a few hours later though would change my perspective on things quite a bit.
    A school pal of mine that I’d lost contact with after high school suddenly left a message on my face book. She’d said the dreaded C word- cancer.. But what really got to me was when she said it was in stage five of bone cancer and that she’d just found out yesterday. I wanted to cry and found myself wondering how such a nice person as her could get such a cruel cancer.. She said she was in a lot of pain and when she said she didn’t even want to be born and why was this happening to her my heart went out to her… apparently she can’t be given much for the pain… so she has to mostly suffer through it. I felt like a jerk though for not making an effort sooner to contact her. No one deserves cancer and to go through bone cancer in particular is not only painful but scary. It really put into perspective that my trying to get over the stomach flu and other things really weren’t so big compared to what my friend was going through. The doctors didn’t not say how long she may have and I don’t know the states of bone cancer nor how strong it is though I do know that they are trying with chemo to see if that might help. It made her really sick though thankfully by the time she went home she was feeling better. I don’t know if it’s going to make her hair fall out or if she’s going to keep with the treatment or what’s going to happen. It’s so… strange to know that one of your friends who is close to your age is having to go through such a … rough cancer and that far as I know there’s no cure for. Not that any cancer is easy on the body but I’ve see what it can do for a person and it’s not a pretty thing. I hope though that the doctors are able to not only help find the least painful way to help slow down the cancer but to also help with the pain. She was offered the chance to stay in the hospital but she wanted to be at home near family which I can understand. She really is such a sweet person and the fact that she has some special mental needs doesn’t bother me. I’m not sure what to do to help her but I want to try to be there for her as much as I can. She’s going to need all the support she can get though I hope that she’s given quite a time to get the chance to say her farewells to family and friends and be able to do a few things that she’d really like to do. I think later I will break down crying but right now I’m kind of still in that shocked state. The last person who had to leave was Tiff though she didn’t die of cancer but still, most don’t expect the younger ones to go before the older ones. It’s times like these that I really would like to have some support from a significant other and maybe even some…insight. I’m not sure who to ask about all this stuff and though I wasn’t close to this girl… it’s not going to be easy to watch her go through all this pain and possible chemo and even harder to see her get weaker and weaker as the cancer spreads and she goes. Bone cancer though tends to be quick depending on the state of it but no one really knows just how much time she may have left and I know that she’s scared.. I’m going to miss her…and I know that her other friends and family will as well. I’m kicking myself for not making an effort to stay in contact with her more but what counts is the fact that I’m making more of an effort now and she even has my cell number now so that she can text me. My plan is to stay until early March as my pregnant friend is to have her baby sometime this month. I want to see them both healthy, take lots of pics and then leave in early March to get back to WI to try to see my other friend as much as I can and to get ready for a cousin’s wedding which will be on the 13 and I’ll be spending a few days with her and her fiance and their daughter. It will be… interesting to say the least. Then after that it will be back to my hometown for who knows how long.. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a job, maybe get my own place, possibly my own car, all the while trying to be there for my friend who has bone cancer and try to save up money to possibly go to Denmark in the summer. I have a passport now, just need to get the money for a plane ticket and enough money to last me a week oh and to get up the guts to tell my friends and family that they can‘t dissuade me from going there and it will only be for a week. So I have quite the plateful ahead of me and I really hope that my friend will have more than just this year to be able to do things. I don’t want her to suffer but I want her to be given as much time as possible to be able to do things that she’d been wanting to do. And I’m not quite sure how I’m going to keep my head above all of these things I have before me though I suppose one step at a time will just have to do for now. *sighs* It sure would be nice though to have a shoulder to lean on as it’s all a bit overwhelming  because I could really use that shoulder and arms around me right about now.. and I don’t want to waste any possible time..
    So if anyone has any possible input.. Feel free to comment.. I’d best head to bed, it’s after 4:30 am here and my eyes are so blurry.
    God Bless/Slainte and may you all stay in good health. Please send out a prayer or two for my friend and her family…they could really use a miracle or two…

~M<input ... ></input><input ... >

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is irishfairylass@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!

eaten that day but was glad I hadn't eaten before getting on the ride. I had my hand over my mouth while I was hanging onto one of the handlebars myself and what kept me from throwing up is that I didn't want to get sick on myself or the poor girl next to me or anyone else for that matter. I was so relieved when we finally stopped. All I wanted to do was flop down on the grass, find a safe place that was out of the way of the rides and just stay still until I could stop shaking and I could stop feeling so out of sorts but I didn't because well I just wanted to keep on going on instead of stopping to dwell over it. And so that's where I'm at... caught between wanting to stay still where it's familiar and figure things out and yet there's this restlessness where I want to get out and just try to find myself.. find.. whatever the elusive thing is I want to find.  I don't tell a lot of the people that I talk to about this. My thoughts are vivid and yet lucid.. often bouncing between the two and should someone ask me what i'm thinking.. oftentimes it's hard for me to explain. I feel.. vulnerable, prickly, sad, happy, angry,peaceful and well a variety of emotions. I go between being restless and unable to sleep, even.. hyper almost. And then suddenly I am so tired, drained and I just want to curl up somewhere's quiet, warm and peaceful. There's so many that appear to be relying on me.. sometimes it's sporadic and other times it's almost daily. I have responsibilities, expectations and just a lot on my plate that I'm not quite sure what to do about all of it. It's hard for me to say no especially when someone needs my help that i find myself being stretched quite thin. I don't know
if some of them are doing it on purpose or purely by accident. I want to feel like i'm more than just a.. tool to some people and I absolutely hate the thought of feeling like i'm an inconvienance.. I know that i'm not the easiest person to be around at times but it doesn't mean that I don't deserve to have a voice, to be listened to.. to be asked about my opinions and thoughts and where i dont have to constantly defend myself for why i do what I do. I'm a grown up for cripes' sake, not a freaking child to have to answer to people all the time just because I may not be doing things that are considered "normal adult" stuff.

Perhaps because of these thoughts.. consciously or unconsciously.. I find myself having fantasies. The interesting
thing about fantasies is that they can be just that or they can be the anticipation of hoping that it will come true which would put it more under the title of being a dream. Perhaps I should not allow them to enter my mind so often as they do and sometimes I do put a stop to them but that block doesn't usually last for long..

There's a part of me that really doesn't want to stop the fantasies for though they are not real, they are something to hang onto. They are something that no one can take away from me because they are inside of me. Isn’t that part of the lure of fantasies and dreams after all? There was a time where some of them appeared to be close to coming true but alas would seem they were not meant to be or maybe they are but not in that time frame. *sighs* I can’t even begin to describe how frustrating it can be. To want something that you know darn well you shouldn’t want… or rather not in the exact context. But atleast this time I realize that what’s fantasy and what’s real are two totally different things. And on the days when it’s particularly hard to push away certain thoughts… I find myself wanting to be extra careful to not make a fool of myself. There are times when I yearn so much to be able to tell my hopes, dreams, fears, thoughts, everything to. I miss being able to do that so much. I miss being able to feel like I’m part of a group.. that I’m an important piece to a puzzle that is needed in order to be whole. And so perhaps that is why I have these.. fantasies but honestly I really cannot say. My mind has always thought randomly with really not rhyme or reason. I don’t know how to stop myself sometimes from thinking things that are better left alone. If I listen to certain songs, they also tend to trigger certain things and most of the times they are good but not always. I guess that’s sort of the price you pay for certain decisions that you made and others that you chose to ignore or didn’t see until it was too late. And sometimes I feel as though these.. thoughts I have are what keep me sane. I’ve always had a healthy imagination and it’s seen me through some  tough times to be sure.  I have this picture that hangs up in my SL house and everytime I look at it, there’s a mixture of dreaminess and bittersweetness. The dreaminess because I wonder if there’s a chance that I may have that one day and bittersweetness because there were times I was so sure I was so close to having that. And I’ve been playing this one particular song most of the evening though I cannot really explain why and much of it doesn’t have to deal with the various thoughts running through my head. It’s like I feel the need to keep on repeating it and listen to it. It seems to almost… speak to me. It’s a very powerful song to be sure- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k&feature=related

Someone has recently shown back up in my life whom I did not expect to so to put it mildly, I was shocked. For over three weeks I thought that I’d been left without a word. Come to find out the message I had been sent had somehow been swallowed up online and only recently had learned of all that had happened. Due to what’s happened in my past and despite my not wanting to compare.. I really could not help myself coming to that conclusion but had hoped that eventually I would get an answer as to what had happened or worse case scenario.. somehow word would get to me that he was gone from this world… which is a thought that I tried my best not to entertain. After talking to some people and getting some advice, most just came to the conclusion either he had gotten caught up and hadn’t gotten word or he’d left for well whatever reason. Really it’s a situation I did not forsee myself being in. To have such a connection with someone in such a short amount of time and then to find out that what you’d thought was going on was only partly true. Well atleast he came forth and confessed what was going on. I’m trying to learn to adjust because well it seems to be what I do a lot to be honest. I find myself waiting up at all odd hours and getting up sometimes at odd hours, hoping to catch him on as I used to but it would seem things have changed in that dept too. I can understand the whole RL thing.. truly I do and I’m not complaining and am trying to bear with him… but a short note or something about what’s going on would be nice. I get the feeling it’s not on purpose that he forgets, his life is crazy as of late.. but I really do miss well.. a lot of things *sighs* I’d rather not go into it as it’s late here and I’m probably getting to melancholy for my own good at the moment anyways. And yet despite it all, I would not exchange it for anything. No matter the distance or how much time lapses, there's just that... thing there that ends up drawing us back to each other. I don't know what it would be called nor can I really explain it. It just... is... and so I try my best to cherish what we do have and to look forward to the times when we can spend together, no matter how long or short.

I went to the High School Bonfire yesterday with my cousin who doesn’t have her license so in order to be able to drive she needs someone to go with her to wherever and usually I’ll tag along like if it’s to the gas station along those lines. I wasn’t sure if we were going due to some set backs but they were put aside for the time being. It was a bit of a cool night so we brought blankets just in case though I was quite comfortable in my big hoody red sweatshirt. I bought a sweatshirt with the town emblem on it but am not wearing it until today as well that’s mostly what I bought it for. Anyways, we stopped for something warm to drink, I bought some teriyaki beef jerky, a bit of cheese and a cappachino which consisted of mostly english toffee, a bit of french vanilla with some flavored creamers tossed in and some half and half. We were then on our way, stopping by my cousins’ house so that my cousin could see her nephew.. I know a bit confusing but get this… one of my cousins is my third and first cousin… will maybe explain that later. Anyways, we hung around for a bit and then about 10 to 8 we got going. We weren’t that far from the school so there really wasn’t any rush. When we got there, people were all over and we weren’t quite sure where the bonfire was to be held. So we all went inside and I found myself tagging along after my cousin and her friends. It was rather nice, despite the fact that I felt like a bit of an oddball trailing after 16 and 17 year olds lol but hey I wasn’t really complaining and they didn’t seem to mind. We stopped by the school store where we all bought various things to eat or drink. Then most of us went to the bathroom which was my original destination to begin with. So that was done and my cousin and I and her friend headed back outside. It was a bit cool but not too bad and was rather… refreshing. There were so many kids and high schoolers and parents and coaches hanging around as well as some firemen in case the blaze were to get out of control and there was this huge pile of wood that smelled like it had been soaked in gasoline. Most everyone just stood around talking, listening to the band play and the cheerleaders cheering. After a few minutes or so, everyone quieted down and the ceremony of crowning the King and Queen of Homecoming commensed. I did not know either of the people that were crowned but I clapped anyways and everyone seemed pretty happy about it. Then the King and Queen along with a school janitor took up a piece of wood, lit it and started to light the pile in a circle. It did not take long at all for the wood to catch fire and then there really was no need for blankets. I took quite a bit of pics though some of them did not come out and people kept on getting in the way lol. Someone started playing music though most of the music sounded like it was popular back in the 60’s and 70’s. There was one song though I can’t remember the name of it that started a canga line. All sorts of people were grabbed, mostly the coaches and little kids joined it. It was quite the line and it was amusing to watch. I joined in for a bit and then stepped back to watch and smile. So overall it was a rather interesting night and I’m glad that I went. I wanted to stand near the bonfire until it went out though my cousin was ready to go shortly before 9. I wasn’t quite ready to go and so bided my time, just wanting to watch and observe, thinking how nice it would have been for our class to do that sort of thing. It used to be quite the tradition and then it stopped once the new school was built. Apparently though it is now going to be a regular tradition. Am looking forward to the next one next year where my cousin will be a Senior. Would have been nice to bring someone around my age or a bit older with me to well make it not seem as though I came just to hang out with the high schoolers lol… but ahh well I came there to have fun and just let loose and maybe reminisce a bit. Today is the Football Game which I am looking forward to going to. It will be interesting for sure and I have my camera charging just to be on the safe side so hopefully the batteries won’t go dead during whatever I decide to record or take pictures of.

I waited a while to finish this journal and thought perhaps I could make it all make sense and then I realized that it wouldn’t because a lot of my thoughts and things that have happened or lack of things happening.. all of it doesn’t make sense. So these are my thoughts.. some of them rather raw and others just a hodge podge of what comes to my head. This may very well be one of the journals that makes the least sense but that’s ok. It’s my thoughts and much is what I cannot explain to those that may wonder what is going on. I don’t know what to say half the time to people about what’s really going on with me because I don’t truly know.  I don’t need for it to make sense for people to get the jist of what I’ve been saying.

                I’d best get to bed as it’s after 4 am my time and I have a few things to do before the game. For those of you that read this, may it make sense and may it help you in some way.

 

Slainte

 

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So here it is, just after 3 am. I am tired and yet I'm not.. if that makes any sense lol. It wasn't too bad of a day, despite the craziness of babysitting yet again and attempting to be entertaining to people without appearing to be too desperate. It's a rather... strange situation I find myself in as of late. Kind of caught in a limbo of sorts that I'm not quite sure how to get myself out of. It's been thirteen, almost fourteen days since i've heard from a friend of mine. I suppose I can pretty much assume that he most likely won't be coming back and that even if he does, there's a pretty good chance i'll get the ol' line of how things have changed and it's just not going to work out *sighs* I guess if things are complicated to begin with, one can't expect things to turn out simple. I mean it's only SL we were meant to be together in but meh.. I'd like to think that I still deserve to atleast get a heads up of what's going on... no matter how important or unimportant I may be to someone. I get so sick of these ups and downs and no matter how hard i try to harden myself... someone always manages to slip through but not long enough to seemingly get to know me... I was told with most it had something to do with the chase and when they feel it's not the same, many want to take off and try to get that feeling back... but whatever all this may be... it would be nice to not have things fall apart as soon as there's a rough patch... my heart tells me what my words cannot. I'm just...sighs... so tired... my patience is wearing thin and i've hit so many dead ends.

I find myself having well affections of sorts for someone that I've been around for like... weeks but have only recently opened my eyes to. Not sure if it's because I saw his pic and found out that he's 29 years old, a brit and 6ft2. For a while it seemed like he really wanted to get to know me and then well rpwise.. looks like he may very well end up being my cousin. RP or not.. sometimes it can suck having such a huge family when every potential male tends to get snatched up and because a family member or inlaw lol. I guess there's a reason for everything... Well anyways.. while it's nice to know that my attentions can go elsewhere, it's downright frustrating dealing with these silly hormones I find myself in... going between jealousy to happiness as just a simple thing to frustration to well the list keeps on going on. I find myself asking why the heck I act like that and how I feel like such a nimrod for being like that. My friend says I need to have the mentality that I can have any guy I want and to be cocky about it. Well cockiness isn't my thing lol... I can pretend I am for a bit but usually doesn't last long. Well I got to hear the guy's voice and it was rather nice.. ok kind of meltworthy... but when he gets around his best mates... he tends to be a bit of an obnoxious jerk. And yet if you get him away from them.. he can be pretty nice... almost...considerate. It's strange... it's like... I see different sides to him that most don't seem to pick up on and yet here I am... making a fool out of myself, iming the guy.. .etc and for what? because I can't seem to have the patience and just let guys come to me? *sighs* Sometimes it would be nice to portray that cockiness, confidence and well pizaz no matter how the guy is making me feel..atleast until I can figure out what's going on and if he's just being a player or really wants to get to know me... If a guy wants to be a player fine... but I'd rather not have my heartstrings played with... I want honesty, loyalty... well i'd better not even get started on that list or i'll be here all morning.

I came across a poem of sorts that struck a chord with me and is what prompted this livejournal entry.

Ever met someone who's voice calms your soul,
    uplifts your heart and just makes you want to be     the best you can be.  
Ever met someone who causes your heart to swell
    simply because they are who they are.
Ever known someone who's heart and soul you
     would protect.  Who you would sacrifice your
     own for?

I'm not sure how to comment on that or what to feel just yet but felt the need to put it up if only to go back and be able to review it later or just plain be able to check it out. And the simple answer to that though.. would be yes. I won't elaborate because I don't feel the need to elborate just yet and besides sometimes it's the things that you don't say that are heard the most. I've been told countless times that I will find someone special..etc...etc... I can't seem to help lately but to say that it's not very likely because realistically it's not. Then again supposedly fate finds you when you least expect it but well Fate sure is taking a long time to come pay me a visit lol. I would like to talk some of these thoughts over with friends and certain family members but they have other things on their minds and it's rare i feel that i've properly spitted out what I meant to say and even then it never quite seems to be fully what i needed to say... I mean what do you say to certain people who may understand what's going on and yet you may have that certain...awkwardness with? I don't want to keep everything inside and yet I don't want to blurt out too much... I tend to feel vulnerable if i think I've done too much of one or the other. Gaah I think I'm typing myself to sleep lol.

Well before I nod off and before I forget, I do have some happier news. My three day migraine seems to have mostly run its course and so I hopefully won't feel so.. weepy or sensitive... though it does seem to be lurking around the edges of my mind at the moment... silly thing.. i've thought about going to go see the doc about it but it's not really too painful.. mostly it's a lot of dizziness and my needing to try to be where it's quiet... and soothing and what not.. my dad thinks I should go get checked again.. that i should also try to get medical and see if i can get back on the medicine that i was on with my headaches but not sure if it would work the same for migraines.

I've had a Dell Inspiron 15 since August and it was only about 516 after taxes. I'm so glad that I got up the guts to get one as well I find myself being quite a bit busy and it's nice to be mobile with a laptop unless i'm around places where i cant tap into the internet or there isn't internet...it's nice to be able to lay in bed such as i am now and be able to type away. Well i have often fallen asleep with the laptop on my lap or on a chair beside me but for the most part, I tend to be able to stay awake long enough to shut it down.

I also recently aquired an awesome camera. I am going to a friend's wedding this week and I really want to be able to take pics but am tired of the disposables and having to borrow camera's. A week or so back an old aquaintance of mine contacted me and said that if there was someone who was looking for a decent camera to let him know. I really wanted it but wasn't so sure about paying 250 for the camera though apparently it's valued at close to 800 despite it being a 2006.. i think... and there's only just a little bit of wear on it. It's recently been tuned or something like that... I forget the term. Well out of the blue my sis suggested I get it and so I decided to contact the person. To my relief, he still had it. So he sent it out on monday and I just got it yesterday. Talk about fast shipping. It comes with a case, two memory cards, a chord to hook the camera up to the laptop or computer, another chord to hook the camera up to a tv, a battery, a battery charger and somewhere's he has a booklet. He gave me the online link to the booklet which has been rather helpful. I love it and I think it's so far worth every penny. It takes awesome dark pictures, am anxious to take all sorts of pics like sunsets and the stars and people and just well... i'm excited... I do love to take pictures and I guess i could be called an amateur photographer... There are so many different options with it that it's crazy and yet good. I was playing around with the sound and it freaked out scooby. So the camera itself is Canon PowerShot G6. I was given a link- http://www.usa.canon.com/consumer/controller?act=ModelInfoAct&tabact=DownloadDetailTabAct&fcategoryid=321&modelid=10463#DownloadDetailAct ... It really is quite the camera and is a cross between a camera and a video recorder. I'd upload pictures on here but am not really sure how on this particular page so shall have to try that later. I'm too knackered to attempt that sort of thing.

So for now that is the extent of my ramblings though there may be more later. I'm just so tired right now.. in more ways than one and I just want to go to sleep and just chill for a while. The A/C is on so that may help some and due to the fact that I will be babysitting most of the afternoon/night.. I just may need that extra bit of sleep.*sighs* my sis made a comment that i spend more time over there than i do here and i forget what else as I was pretty out of it but basically... it's hard for me to say no despite other plans i sometimes have.. i don't know why i can't say it.. even if it does wear me out quite a bit having to be around the girls and deal with their fighting so much. They can't go an hour without fighting let alone a day.. ahh well most sister's fight and they are young... hopefully they will grow out of it.  I was planning on having my nails done but I guess that will have to wait. Hopefully I can squeeze it in Friday or something. The wedding starts too early for me to be able to run to town to get everything done in time. I'm glad it's going to be in the same town I'm living in and I'll very likely have a ride to it as i know someone that may be going and she loves any chance she can get to drive.


Here's a list of songs I've been listening to depending on my mood. Sometimes it's nice to listen to all of them in one sitting.

Hana Pestle- Need http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Op5BRZpXvHs
Sting- Desert Rose http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2AjsFzUQ1c&feat
Pop Evil- 100 in a 55 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bD5Cc-CQHV0
Assemblage 23- Lullaby http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvNdCcUuhn8&feature=related
Hypnogaja - Here Comes The Rain Again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-juDiDTYfw
Kelly Clarkson - Did You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSYf8ppOnJg&feature=related
Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snuIaORHh_0&feature=related
Seether- Careless Whisper- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFOgzIYlZik

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And so now that I've been able to get some things off my chest. I'm going to go listen to some of those songs and doze off to sleep First on my list is lullaby. It's just so... soothing.

Slainte

~M

Ever have a dream that's left you thinking about it the whole day, trying to work it out..etc? Well such is the case as this one...

This morning I had the strangest dream...  in the dream i was getting married but the groom didnt know about it lol... atleast i'm assuming he didnt as he didnt show up... it was supposed to take place at my grandma's who is my stepdad's mom. I was in my white dress, my relatives were bickering for some reason lol.. i dont know why... and i was waiting for my dad to show up as well, my SL friend Lion showed up and i was really happy to see him and i hugged him lol, he's the one who performed mine and jax's ceremony
I wanted to take a picture of some apple blossoms i spotted outside so i borrowed someone's camera. There used to be this garage next to my grandma's trailer and in the dream it was there. There were two completely different sides to it. One side was dark, and the woods looked dead... while the other side, there was the cherry blossoms, and it was just so beautiful...
well it suddenly started raining as I started to take a pic of the beautiful side and a wind picked up so it was hard for me. I was trying to snap pics but the button was hard to push despite it being a digital camera. So by the time i got a pic, most of the cherry blossoms had been blown off the branches. I did manage to grab a pic of one and i remember thinking how sad it was that i hadn't beeen quick enough to take a picture
There was another part to it where the garage suddenly openened up and there was a mother cat nursing her babies, i went past her, up the ramp and was heading out to the observation deck that was there but woke up before i could get there it's interesting and yet um...strange lol....  i LOVE cherry blossoms and used to talk to Balth about them all the time about how i'd love one in a backyard someday. He was in the dream too, strangely enough lmao though not sure was part he was supposed to be playing the blossoms were a light pink at first and then they were changed to white after the storm had hit. It was a fairly peaceful dream despite my not being able to find my missing groom lol and well it's been on my mind all day. I recorded it earlier so that I wouldn't forget when it came time to wanting to put it here in my journal.


Today was supposed to be my day to chill, take a day away from the computer and just enjoy reading a good book or two, watching Sabrina and Charmed (yes, reruns) and going outside to enjoy the beautiful weather when it suited me. Well I was enjoying all of that until early evening and then my calmness sort of became messed up..sighs... I suppose glancing outside, looking at the sky and watching a cloud cover the sky should have been an indication laughs... talk about ironic, but I try hard not to think too much about signs everywhere I turn or I'd probably drive myself crazy...crazier than I usually am that is... lol... j/k.

My cousin Jenny whose Tiffy's older sister called me earlier today and asked me what I was doing I told her I didnt know but that I have a few things planned. When she asked what, I told her that there were a few thinks in the works and that I'd have to see how they go which is true but telling her that most of it's computer based wouldn't have gotten me very far. So she kept on talking to me and well now she wants me to go out with her on thursday, she's going to be picking me up tomorrow and i really dont want either to happen... but i'm going along with it It's very rare for her to call and when she does, it's always because she wants something no matter how hard i tried to wiggle out of it nicely, it wasnt working and i wasnt going to be rude to her
lately those that arent considering my feelings and thoughts on the matter seem to be coming out of the woodwork on me and it's frustrating... i was planning on spending the day with a friend of mine or rather chatting and now i have to go cater to my cousin and my friend wont know about this until he gets on and he prob wont be on until early my morning
 i hate how much of my family treats me like a walking doormat and if i complain about it, i'm seen as the bitch which is just a bit of why i moved so far from fam is so that i wouldnt find myself in these sort of predicaments. i didnt have to worry about my dad trying to make me feel bad and do his bidding or have other family say stuff to make me feel bad enough to go along with it and put up a front like it's something that i actually want to do seems like just when the sun is coming out from the clouds, a cloud comes along to block it out
i'm sorry, i shouldnt be so pessimistic lmao... just annoyed... my tues was going so well lol
Well she just called me a bit ago, I shouldn't have picked up the darn phone lmao...  apparently i'm going to be footing most of the bill if not all of it lmao with us going out and apparently helping for gas so that we can go help get her hubby an outfit... she wants me to think of it as being her bday present even though her bday was last weekend...sighs not sure if she's meaning my footing the bill all the way to lacrosse plus in dells or not lol... why cant i just say no? I already feel like i'm being conived into spending way more money that I should have to. Ok that probably sounds petty but damnit all... it was her idea to do this and why should i have to pay for EVERYTHING? I know that i am nice ok sometimes too nice but I am trying hard to take this all in stride and work through it. I guess if worse came to worse and somehow I was stranded in the Dells, I could always get someone to come pick me up... i hope lol... ok i know that someone would.. just not sure who or how far out of the way it would be for them. I would rather wait until I have my own vehicle so I dont have to worry about that and if i get annoyed enough..  I can just get in my car and take off.. but now I'm going to be relying on them for transportation and just ughhh.... I just dont think it right for them to expect me to comply with footing the bill and if i say no then I'll seem like i'm being a party pooper or something.... I love my family, i really do... but just because i may not get out as much as i supposedly should be doing... doesnt mean that my thoughts and feelings on the matter of things shouldn't be considered. I'm 23 fricken years old. If i want to sit around the house because i dont have a car and just chill..then i should damn well be able to...

Well on a lighter note.. I've been reading these stories that Balth sent to me..talk about a riot... and well frankly they are all quite weird but a good weird..sort of lol... makes you wonder exactly how the heck all this stuff came up to be in stories. it's great for a laugh though... and you find yourself just enjoying reading the story and laughing even more as you try to imagine all that's told in the story. Am still reading it and hope that there will be more stories where they came from.

It's raining outside at the moment, a light rain that sound almost like sleet but didnt feel like it when i stuck my hand outside. I love it when it rains at night and i love waking up to it..well..when i'm in my own room and it's the only sound that i can hear... it's a great way to wake up and well... waking up with someone beside you of course and um..well... just going to leave that thought where it is because that's prob for the best lol. Am contemplating whether I want to get another Cola or stick to water... but since i'm not quite ready for bed yet, will prob go for the Cola. BTW Butter Pecan ice cream is soo good. I had some earlier... ate it quite fast actually and my tongue felt a bit um...frozen afterwards. I couldn't seem to stop eating it. Actually wanted Ben and Jerry's but well decided to resist buying it as it's more expensive and stuck to the Butter Pecan for the time being.

Ok now i'm off to get some caffeine and something for this headache, May update later...

Slainte

~M
P.S.- In the mood for some random quotes so here goes

Nick Mercer: Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close... your... eyes. You're safe. You can relax. I'm not going to kiss you. He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he'll realize what he lost.
Kat Ellis: Holy crap. You're worth every penny.
Nick Mercer: Well thank you for including me in this timeless feminine ritual. Here's to the husbands who've won you, the losers who've lost you, and the lucky bastards who've yet to meet you.
(the Wedding Date)- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0372532/quotes

---

William Parrish: Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived
Susan Parrish: Love, passion, obsession, all those things you told me to wait for, well, they've arrived. What are you afraid of, Dad? That I'll fall head over heels for Joe? Well, I have.

---

Seth: I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
Maggie: Something happened in my OR. And, I got this-this jolt - I got this feeling that there's something... bigger is out there. There's something bigger than me and bigger than you, and it- Does that sound crazy?
Maggie: Why do you wear the same clothes all the time? Why won't you give me your phone number? Are you married?
Seth: No.
Maggie: Are you homeless?
Seth: No.
Maggie: Are you a drummer?
Maggie Rice: I don't understand a God who would let us meet, if there's no way we could ever be together
(City of Angels)- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120632/quotes

---

Leopold: Well, let us proceed. Please raise your glasses so we may toast to my bride-to-be, the woman whose welfare and happiness shall be my solemn duty to maintain. The future Duchess of Albany...
[Kate catches his eye]
Leopold: Kate McKay. Of the McKays of...?
Kate: Massapequa.
Leopold: Massapequa.
Kate: I love you.
Leopold: I love you
Kate: People might think I'm brave, but I'm not.
Leopold: The brave are simply those with the clearest vision of what is before them - glory and danger alike and notwithstanding, go out to meet it.
Kate: And... it's a great thing to get what you want. It's a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted... because what you really wanted you couldn't imagine or you didn't think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew... like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn't have to take a poll and they loved you... but you hesitated and I... uh... I have to go... I'm sorry but... I have to go!
Kate: Why are you standing?
Leopold: I am accustomed to stand when a lady leaves the table.
[So, Charlie gets up]
Leopold: That thing is a damned hazard!
Kate: It's just a toaster!
Leopold: Well, insertion of bread into that so-called toaster produces no toast at all, merely warm bread! Inserting the bread twice produces charcoal. So, clearly, to make proper toast it requires one and a half insertions, which is something for which the apparatus doesn't begin to allow! One assumes that when the General of Electric built it, he might have tried using it. One assumes the General might take pride in his creations instead of just foisting them on an unsuspecting public.
Kate: You know something? Nobody gives a rat's ass that you have to push the toast down twice. You know why? Because everybody pushes their toast down twice!
Leopold: Not where I come from.
Kate: Oh, right. Where you come from, toast is the result of reflection and study!
Leopold: Ah yes, you mock me. But perhaps one day when you've awoken from a pleasant slumber to the scent of a warm brioche smothered in marmalade and fresh creamery butter, you'll understand that life is not solely composed of tasks, but tastes.
Kate: [mesmerized] Say that again.
Charlie: Don't you think it's time you told me who you are. I mean, don't get me wrong, doing the Duke thing with you 24/7 is a blast, but really. Who are you?
Leopold: [after a pause, simply] I'm the man that loves your sister.
Charlie: We have a saying in the McKay house: "You shake and shake the ketchup bottle, none will come, and then a lot'll."
(Kate and Leopold)- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0035423/quotes

---

 See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.
~Gretchen Kemp~
*There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.  ~Gandhi
"Though the ramblings and comical siren song may convey an air of carefree abandon, my intellect and ideas are deeper than the darkest abyss"
'Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.'

---

*There comes a time in every life we find the heart we're looking for.   ~Leanna Rimes
*Someday, someone will walk into your life, and then you'll realize why it never worked out with anyone else.  ~Unknown
*The best kind of love is that kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more; that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That's what you've given me and that's what I hope to give you forever.  ~The Notebook

*Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.    ~Unknown

 

*There are reasons we met, reasons for the good and bad times, and more importantly a reason to an end. We have more to learn, more to experience, and more loving left in this lifetime.    ~Unknown

 

*Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about. ~Unknown

 

*Before you give up, think of the reason you had been holding on for so long in the first place.   ~Unknown

 

*The only problem with searching for the truth is that sometimes you actually find it.    ~Unknown

 

*I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.  ~Notting Hill

 

*Forget all the reasons why something might not work, all you need is one reason why it will.   ~Unknown

---

I close my eyes and try to bring you here
The feel of my chair against my back
Becomes replaced with the feel of your body
And I lean back in to your chest
I wrap my arms around myself
And pretend that they are your arms
Holding me close, holding me tight
And I imagine your voice in my ear
Telling me you'll never let me go
I tip my head to the side
Imagining you brushing my hair away
To give you better access
To my overly sensitive neck
And I shiver at the feel of fingers
I bite my lip at the kiss
My neck has never even felt
I close my eyes and try to catch you
I feel your warmth surround me
As I pull my arms tighter around
And I curse this over active imagination
That can bring me so close to you
And leave me aching for your touch.

Author Unknown

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  Yesterday... was a very intense day... It didn't help that i was woken up early to the sound of the dogs barking and the door slamming to which I got up and went out to see what was going on. apparently there were a couple of people here to get the geese so i stood out there in case my help was needed. One of the geese stuck their head through the fencing and i jumped back in surprise, narrowly missing landing in the goose pool I thought about going back to bed but that wasnt going to happen. So i layed about, trying to relax with a book. I managed to read quite a bit of it but was annoyed by the phone ringing so much and my brother wanting my attention. I eventually gave up on it around 1:30 or so... I was restless and in a mood.. which should have warned me to stay away from SL until I had calmed down.. but i didnt and well... I havent been quite that upset in some time.. I had a fight with a friend which caused me to have three people upset with me due to some choice words I said and I felt like I was literally shoving my foot in my mouth and wondering who else I would accidently upset. It's frustrating that my heart can't seem to allow me to be just friends with certain people... and want to be with someone who can be with me back... I am going to give my friend a week.. maybe two to cool off and to give myself a chance to step back.. I dont want to lose the connection I have with him and I am trying hard to realize that we're meant to be friends... because it's easier on both of us in the long run and expecting there to be more on my side only causes more heartache. I dont understand why I can't be content with the person I'm with now.. who is sweet, considerate.. treats me great... is very understanding of the situation..etc... and i felt so bad when he commented about being sorry that he wasnt the one i wanted and sorry that i had to settle for him.. it just made me cry more and i didnt know how to respond to that... and i said to please not put it like that.

I was so upset over things yesterday to the point that I thought I was going to make myself sick.. I had that feeling like i was going to throw up but managed to tamp it down... I eventually went to lay down, listening to some music to try to calm myself... I found myself listening to assemblage 23's- lullaby . It is quite the soothing song if you listen to it. I had the window open as it was warm out and the breeze was blowing across my skin almost like a caress. The sun was shining upon my back and i felt the warmth of it. I was turned on my side, snuggled up with a couple of blankets and a couple of pillows. One pillow I have not been able to sleep without in the last year or so... it's a small pillow with camoflage on it that my dad gave me before my last trip down to north carolina so every night I seem to have to have it to sleep. I was distantly listening to the tv, my bro had on foster's imaginary something or other and next thing I knew, I was waking up with drool on my face and the dogs were barking like mad... I dont know how long I slept, apparently it wasnt that long as I logged back on and a friend made a comment about how I didnt sleep for long. I had the lullaby song stuck into my head so I found a link for it... and strangely.. it seemed to work for me... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvNdCcUuhn8&feature=related

Much of last night was a blur though I do know that I managed to calm down and even talked to my guy on skype until he was ready to head to bed. He's six hrs ahead so.. the time zones can be tricky.

Every once in a while I dream about Tiff, it's not very often and usually it's when i've been particularly upset and really wished that she was here. This sort of dream though is a first and it's left me unsettled. In the three years since she's died, she's never been upset with me...

I dreamed a series of dreams that managed to mesh all into one..well..sort of... so the dreams started out in a bar of some sort... I was hanging out with my dad and we were talking though not really sure what we were saying... and I dont recall having been in that particular bar and yet it seemed familiar in my dreams..anyways.. Dad left and I remember that it was dark outside, my car was sitting outside as well. I brought Mel into the bar, sitting her down at a table with a nonalcoholic drink of some sort as she's underage. I left her there with a few people, telling her that I was running back and forth trying to help set up for a wedding. I came back after I was done though I dont remember helping out with a wedding and told her that we were going to get going. We packed up and headed out to the car, it was raining and still dark out... actually it was more like... a mixture of rain and hail, i remember feeling the sting of the hail upon my skin. Next thing I know, I am parked outside in my car at someone's house during daylight and there's a party going on. Mel is sitting next to me in the seat, I glanced down to see a laptop on my lap and then glanced over in the back on the ride side to see Tiff sitting there. I was annoyed with someone and as a young guy walked past, I made a comment about him being a young punk. Tiff because angry at me for saying that, telling me that he wasnt a punk. She got out of the car and started to walk off. I got out of the car, calling after her to come back, saying I didnt really mean it and she kept on going. I tried to follow her but for some reason I couldn't. So I headed into the party to look for someone to help me out. I never did find someone to help me look for her and eventually I forgot that I was looking for her...

So I woke up with a massive headache, feeling like I wanted to cry but not a good happy cry at seeing her.. a sad cry that I'd made her angry enough to walk off. It's the first time in three years that i've dreamed she was pissed off at me... I woke up with a song in my head as well, which is still playing through my head- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uj62Fm2CZyQ

Maybe all this restlessness and heartache is a sign.. a sign that I need to get out, get my own place, find my own peace my own well... life... not that i dont have a life here but it's not the same. I'm 23 years old... I dont have a job, a car, my own place... and it's just crazy. I'm in constant chaos here and it's really starting to get to me. It would be nice though if my dad could accept me as me. He wastes so much energy on telling me that things that I should be doing that he forgets to really see me. I feel like i've been a constant disappointment, embarrassment and heartache in the last three years. I seem to dig myself deeper and deeper into holes... I find myself constantly questioning well..me and that's not good... It's like my dad who I love very much... sees me as someone I could be... but is forgetting to see me in the now... the good sides that is... i'm not my mom, i'm not him, i'm not my cousins, i'm not nana, i'm not any of the people that were before me nor am i any of the people around me now... I'm me... Megan... the little girl that was born on a balmy Labor day afternoon on Monday September 2, 1985 at 3:43 in the afternoon. I'm not like anyone else because I am not anyone else... I am a fully grown woman... and just because I dont appear to be actively searching for a job, friends..etc..doesnt mean that I dont want those things and I dont appreciate being made fun of that if I keep on going down this supposed path that I'm going to end up the 40 yr old virgin. I'm trying hard to have faith in myself... but it's hard when certain people dont have faith in me...

And so that concludes my thoughts for the time being... because i'm all written out for the moment and annoyed by the fact that I accidently erased my first thoughts by clicking on something on the side of the screen... i should have saved it..silly me.
Slainte

~Meg

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